Guinness has always had the best beer adverts imho...
Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)
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Guinness has always had the best beer adverts imho...
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Was that actually broadcast on TV in Europe? South America? Asia? Or just another great "internets" commercial never to see the light of day.
I can assure you that if that was broadcast on TV here, there would be $million fines, outrage, front page news, and the extreme right gnashing their teeth. I can tell you that if that came on my TV in front of my kids, I would have went ballistic. Funnier than $hit though!!!!
I can assure you that if that was broadcast on TV here, there would be $million fines, outrage, front page news, and the extreme right gnashing their teeth. I can tell you that if that came on my TV in front of my kids, I would have went ballistic. Funnier than $hit though!!!!
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
Thats freakin funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cota1992
Senior Airman
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab.
"
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab.
"
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
I was walking in a cemetery earlier today and I spotted a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
I said "Morning"
He replied, "No, just talking a sh*t"
At the age of six I was left an orphan.
What kind of idiot gives an orphan to a six-year-old?
I was asked to run a marathon and I said, "No Chance". Then I was told it was for blind kids and I thought, "Hold on, I could win that".
I said "Morning"
He replied, "No, just talking a sh*t"
At the age of six I was left an orphan.
What kind of idiot gives an orphan to a six-year-old?
I was asked to run a marathon and I said, "No Chance". Then I was told it was for blind kids and I thought, "Hold on, I could win that".
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
to both of y'all!
You Guys!!!!
syscom3
Pacific Historian
World's oldest joke traced back to 1900 BC - Yahoo! News
LONDON (Reuters) - The world's oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 BC and suggests toilet humor was as popular with the ancients as it is today.
It is a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now southern Iraq and goes: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."
It heads the world's oldest top 10 joke list published by the University of Wolverhampton Thursday.
A 1600 BC gag about a pharaoh, said to be King Snofru, comes second -- "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."
The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons -- "What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? Answer: A key."
"Jokes have varied over the years, with some taking the question and answer format while others are witty proverbs or riddles," said the report's writer Dr Paul McDonald, senior lecturer at the university.
"What they all share however, is a willingness to deal with taboos and a degree of rebellion. Modern puns, Essex girl jokes and toilet humor can all be traced back to the very earliest jokes identified in this research."
The study was commissioned by television channel Dave. The top 10 oldest jokes can be viewed at www.dave-tv.co.uk.
(Reporting by John Joseph; Editing by Steve Addison)
LONDON (Reuters) - The world's oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 BC and suggests toilet humor was as popular with the ancients as it is today.
It is a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now southern Iraq and goes: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."
It heads the world's oldest top 10 joke list published by the University of Wolverhampton Thursday.
A 1600 BC gag about a pharaoh, said to be King Snofru, comes second -- "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."
The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons -- "What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? Answer: A key."
"Jokes have varied over the years, with some taking the question and answer format while others are witty proverbs or riddles," said the report's writer Dr Paul McDonald, senior lecturer at the university.
"What they all share however, is a willingness to deal with taboos and a degree of rebellion. Modern puns, Essex girl jokes and toilet humor can all be traced back to the very earliest jokes identified in this research."
The study was commissioned by television channel Dave. The top 10 oldest jokes can be viewed at www.dave-tv.co.uk.
(Reporting by John Joseph; Editing by Steve Addison)
Cota1992
Senior Airman
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.
After they got settled in their seats
a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,
'Are all of those kids yours?'
He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'
After they got settled in their seats
a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,
'Are all of those kids yours?'
He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador
Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the agent said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search.'
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. 'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.' I like it!' said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again.. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to **** all over the place. The first man was really grossed out by this behaviour and couldn't
figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent, 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.'
when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador
Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the agent said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search.'
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. 'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.' I like it!' said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again.. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to **** all over the place. The first man was really grossed out by this behaviour and couldn't
figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent, 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.'
From a dog trainer's diary....
The first day of training : A dog p***ed a carpet.I took its mouth into its p*** and threw the dog by a window.
The second day of training : The dog p***ed the carpet.I took its mouth into its p*** and threw the dog by the window.
The third day of training : The dog p***ed the carpet.I took its mouth into its p*** and threw the dog by the window.
The fourth day of training : The dog p***ed the carpet.Then it took its mouth into its p*** and jumped out through the window.
ToughOmbre
Senior Master Sergeant
Q. Why will Jane Fonda vote for Barack Obama?
A. Because Ho Chi Minh is dead.
If it's not that funny, at least it's true.
TO
A. Because Ho Chi Minh is dead.
If it's not that funny, at least it's true.
TO
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Q: What do hurricanes in Florida, tornadoes in Oklahoma, and divorces in Arkansas all have in common?
A: No matter how bad the aftermath, somebody's losing a trailerhouse.
A: No matter how bad the aftermath, somebody's losing a trailerhouse.
