wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
I was waitin for somebody to post that one i heard it awhile back but couldnt remember it nice job Matt 
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Good one Matt, Oldie but a goodie!..
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- #1,143
Installing a Husband
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
.................................................. ....................
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download theSnoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
.................................................. ....................
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download theSnoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
and its correlary:
INSTALLING WIFE 1.0
Subject: Wife 1.0
To: Technical Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing that
took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of
this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In
addition, Wife1.0 installs itself into all other programs and
launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other
system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5
and Monday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system
whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the
background while attempting to run some of my other favorite
applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0,
but the un-install for Wife 1.0 does not work.
Can you help me, please!!!
Thanks,
Lord Joe Nevanen
Mission, TX
Tech Support Writes Back
Dear Lord Joseph:
This is a very common problem male employees complain
about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many
people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that
Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES ENTERTAINMENT
program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and
designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you
would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to
Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would
cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files
from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend
7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried
to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more
problems than the original system.
Look in your help files under "Warnings-Alimony/Child
Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with
the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also
suggest you read the entire section regarding General
Partnership Faults(GPFs). You must assume all
responsibility for faults and problems that might
occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be
to enter the DOS-command
C:\APOLOGIZE or click the I'M SORRY! Icon for Macintosh
systems. In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE/SORRY
command before the operating system will return to normal. The
system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all
the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high
maintenance.
Consider buying additional software to improve the performance
of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.
DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short
Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is
likely to cause irreversible damage to YOUR hardware.
Best of luck.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Notes about Free Upgrade
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications.
He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, PubNight 7.0, and Excuses 5.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.
A "Don't remind me again" button
Minimize button
An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
*** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ***************
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.
Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.
*** UPGRADE VERSION *****************
Although advertised as being Plug'n'Play, installing the Upgrade version of Wife 1.0 results in several of the better features of Girlfriend 1.0 refusing to continue working. The supposed compatibility with Fast-Car 3.6 Ski Holiday 6.2 is also flawed, and launching these applications results in strange noises and error messages.
Wife 1.0 also appears to be totally incompatible with all previous versions of BEST MATE, and some users have reported that continued use of BEST MATE can lead to unwanted sharing of resources and I/O ports unless the System Agent is installed as a background task.
*** SUMMARY *******************************
It appears that Girlfriend 1.0 is still one of the best products on the market, especially just after installation. Though not as much fun as CASUALSHAG 63.8 for the power user, it remains relatively reliable and easy on system resources. The timeout feature of Girlfriend is the major problem, and in severe cases can force the user to upgrade to Wife 1.0 with dire consequences on system health.
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications.
He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, PubNight 7.0, and Excuses 5.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.
A "Don't remind me again" button
Minimize button
An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
*** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ***************
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.
Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.
*** UPGRADE VERSION *****************
Although advertised as being Plug'n'Play, installing the Upgrade version of Wife 1.0 results in several of the better features of Girlfriend 1.0 refusing to continue working. The supposed compatibility with Fast-Car 3.6 Ski Holiday 6.2 is also flawed, and launching these applications results in strange noises and error messages.
Wife 1.0 also appears to be totally incompatible with all previous versions of BEST MATE, and some users have reported that continued use of BEST MATE can lead to unwanted sharing of resources and I/O ports unless the System Agent is installed as a background task.
*** SUMMARY *******************************
It appears that Girlfriend 1.0 is still one of the best products on the market, especially just after installation. Though not as much fun as CASUALSHAG 63.8 for the power user, it remains relatively reliable and easy on system resources. The timeout feature of Girlfriend is the major problem, and in severe cases can force the user to upgrade to Wife 1.0 with dire consequences on system health.
Wife 1.0 has another bug....Where does Bitch 10.0 hide within the system?
Catch22
Major
I'm single and loving it!
Well, not really...
Well, not really...
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- #1,149
Matt308
Glock Perfection
A Redneck from North Carolina walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He
told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, and
that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The Bank Officer told him that the bank would need some security for the loan so the Redneck handed
over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the streetin front of the bank. The Redneck produced the
title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge
12% interest.
Later the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south
using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for $5000 loan. An employee of the bank drove the Ferrari into
the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned,repaid the $5,000 loan and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said 'Sir, we are very happy to have your business, and the transaction has worked out
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away,we checked you out and found that
you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you borrow $5,000?'
The North Carolina Redneck replied,'Where else in New York City, could I park my car for two weeks for
only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'
HEY ALL REDNECK'S AIN'T STUPID!!
told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, and
that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The Bank Officer told him that the bank would need some security for the loan so the Redneck handed
over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the streetin front of the bank. The Redneck produced the
title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge
12% interest.
Later the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south
using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for $5000 loan. An employee of the bank drove the Ferrari into
the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned,repaid the $5,000 loan and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said 'Sir, we are very happy to have your business, and the transaction has worked out
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away,we checked you out and found that
you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you borrow $5,000?'
The North Carolina Redneck replied,'Where else in New York City, could I park my car for two weeks for
only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'
HEY ALL REDNECK'S AIN'T STUPID!!
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
Great one Matt
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Photographic evidence of where the term "dickhead" came from.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
The Divorced Barbie Doll
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the
sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie
for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It 's what?! Why is the
Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the
sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie
for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
The amazed father asks: 'It 's what?! Why is the
Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls
Matt308
Glock Perfection
B-17engineer
Colonel
lol hahahah
