Cota1992
Senior Airman
LOL! I sent that to my best friend last year in OK and found out a few hours later she read it while under a tornado warning....
Quotes and Jokes (7 Viewers)
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LOL! I sent that to my best friend last year in OK and found out a few hours later she read it while under a tornado warning....
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Timing is everything!!!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn, that's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?"
"Yes, Senor Rod..."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade SuperQuad 460 golf club."
SILENCE... LONG SILENCE...
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep #*@!@*#$%!!!!!!!!"
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn, that's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?"
"Yes, Senor Rod..."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade SuperQuad 460 golf club."
SILENCE... LONG SILENCE...
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep #*@!@*#$%!!!!!!!!"
erikhartmann ftw
Banned
- 6
- Aug 22, 2008
Q. Whats the fastest thing in the world?
A. An Ethiopian with a Macdonald's voucher.
Q. Whats the second fastest thing in the world?
A. His little brother chasing after him.
A. An Ethiopian with a Macdonald's voucher.
Q. Whats the second fastest thing in the world?
A. His little brother chasing after him.
Trainee On his first day on the job, the trainee dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a F***ING cup of coffee, quickly !"
The voice from the other side responded:
"You fool, you've dialled the wrong extension ! Do you know who you're talking to ?" "No," replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot !"
The trainee shouted back : "And do you know who YOU are F***ING talking to, you F***ING idiot ?"
"No !" replied the Managing Director indignantly
"Thank F**K for that !" replied the trainee and slammed down the phone
The voice from the other side responded:
"You fool, you've dialled the wrong extension ! Do you know who you're talking to ?" "No," replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot !"
The trainee shouted back : "And do you know who YOU are F***ING talking to, you F***ING idiot ?"
"No !" replied the Managing Director indignantly
"Thank F**K for that !" replied the trainee and slammed down the phone
wilbur1
Tech Sergeant
Good ones
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
What's the fastest animal in the world?
Ethopian chicken.
Ethopian chicken.
- Thread starter
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A redneck family from the hills of Arkansas was visiting the city, and they were in the mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart, and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life. I ain't got no idea'r what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, Boy........go gitcha momma.'
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart, and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life. I ain't got no idea'r what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, Boy........go gitcha momma.'
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Nice!
Matt308
Glock Perfection
JUST WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Bucksnort101
2nd Lieutenant
Don't forget Jack Schitt's sister Tayka.
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Or her angry Afghani brother, Hoogifsa.
