Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)

[Crimea_River]

Golf Joke #4:

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[SANCER]

A motorcyclist circulated about 150km / h on the highway. Suddenly a bird appears out of nowhere and puuuuukkkkk !!!!!!!, HIT HIM in front with the helmet.

In the rearview mirror he sees that the little bird was spinning until it was lying on the pavement. And he said: - 'bad luck -... and still on the bike his way ..... but .... could not forget that heartbreaking image of the bird.

He could not contain the ecological remorse and returns to pick it up.
The little bird was totally unconscious, as if dead, but the motorcyclist took it anyway, bought him a small cage and left it at home, making sure to put a little bread and water for the little animal.

The next day the little bird wakes up all sore and dizzy, and noticing that he was in a cage he says:


-Fuck !!! ... ... kill the motorcycle guy !!!!!!! -

 

[Gnomey]

 

[pbehn]

The England Wales Rugby game today promised to be a hard close game, I was worried when Wales named Moriarty in their line up but my mind was set at rest when I realised we had Mr Watson on the England team. I believe the England Rugby team are looking for a Sherlock or Holmes before the world cup comes around.

Team details
England: Brown; Watson, Joseph, Farrell, May; Ford, Care; Vunipola, Hartley, Cole, Launchbury, Itoje, Lawes, Robshaw, Simmonds.
Wales: Anscombe; Adams, S Williams, Parkes, S Evans; Patchell, G Davies; R Evans, Owens, Lee, Hill, AW Jones, Shingler, Navidi, Moriarty.

 

[SANCER]

Adam and Eve strolled through paradise.
And Eva asks:
-Adam, do you love me? -
And Adam grumbling, says:
Do I have another alternative?
...

ok, ... I'm going to pick up my coat.

 

[Crimea_River]

Golf Joke #5:

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?

 

[SANCER]

...a great "eagle" shot!

 

[Wurger]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Hansie Bloeckmann]

Golf Joke #5:

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?

Here's another Golf Joke: A couple, Herb and Marie, live in a condo near a private golf course, and golf is their passion. Their jobs allow them to get in an early 9 holes each day before work- The club had just developed a back nine, after purchasing 160 acres a year ago, and when they showed up at 0600 for their "dew-cutter", the club pro walked up and said: "Good morning folks, how would you like to play the new nine?"

"What do you think, Marie should we give it a go?. "I'd like to."she replied-

So they head for the first tee- they played 5 holes and when they get to the 6th hole- a 515 yard dogleg par 5 hole, he turns to her and said: "Honey, I think I can beat the dogleg if I fade my drive over that big stand of trees, and get on the green in 2, what do you think?"

"Why not?, use that Big Bertha driver for fade and distance, try it." she replied.

So he tees it up, and as the ball heads for the inside bend, it drops and bounces back from a tree limb, and strikes his wife on her forehead, putting her into a coma, and sadly, ending her golf career.

A year goes by, and he's playing in his usual Thursday afternoon 4-some, and they are on the back nine-- Best Ball, partners--, and on the 6th hole, his partner has the honors, and when he sets his tee into the grass, he turns and says: "Say Herb, what do you think about me fading my drive over that stand of trees?"

"Well, Walt, I never tell my partner how to play any shot, but I can tell you this- I tried the same approach a year ago, and I double-bogeyed the damn hole!"

 

[Crimea_River]

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[SANCER]

Friends, I need your help.
A moment ago I was arguing with my wife and suddenly she told me:

"You are right"
.
.
.
... ...
What should be done in those cases?

 

[at6]

Friends, I need your help.
A moment ago I was arguing with my wife and suddenly she told me:

"You are right"
.
.
.
... ...
What should be done in those cases?

Run and hide now!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's up to something.

 

[pbehn]

Friends, I need your help.
A moment ago I was arguing with my wife and suddenly she told me:

"You are right"
.
.
.
... ...
What should be done in those cases?

Check the car for damage and the wardrobe for new shoes, outfits and handbags.

 

[Hansie Bloeckmann]

Friends, I need your help.
A moment ago I was arguing with my wife and suddenly she told me:

"You are right"
.
.
.
... ...
What should be done in those cases?

Check to see if she is really your wife- or her twin sister instead-the unmarried one. Want a definition of the weather forecaster's term "Relative Humidity"??Your wife is out shopping, but her twin sister stays back with you- You are both involved in a "doggy-styled" operation upstairs, in the master bedroom, when she comes home unexpectedly early, and shouts from downstairs- 'Honey, I'm home early'.
Relative humidity, in this case, is the sudden sweat that rolls down your cheeks and chin as you hurry to "uncouple" and get her sister stashed in the closet, and your clothes back on, and the big smile off your face-before she can make it up the stairs with her packages from Rodeo Drive. That's relative humidity, Amigo Mio!!

 

[SANCER]

Check to see if she is really your wife- or her twin sister instead-the unmarried one....

Hahaha, I had not thought about "the twin sister who never mentioned me"
I think you and I could have good talks

 

[Hansie Bloeckmann]

Hahaha, I had not thought about "the twin sister who never mentioned me"
I think you and I could have good talks

Si, amigo. Yo acquerdo. Quieres una cervesa Alemania? O, quizas, Dos Equis?

 

[pbehn]

Friends, I need your help.
A moment ago I was arguing with my wife and suddenly she told me:

"You are right"
.
.
.
... ...
What should be done in those cases?

If you are disturbed by the change in the equilibrium in your relationship, get a dog (if you don't have one) and encourage your wife to meet other female dog walkers. Female dog walkers will convince your wife that no man is ever right.

My divorced sister in law has a dog that she walks, with other divorced women who have dogs. There are only two topics of discussion when these get together, that is dogs (of course) and men (what is wrong with them). I only met her with her dog walking circle twice, any male friends they ever had who heard what I heard would run a mile and then keep running. The funny thing is they were all looking for a man but somehow it never worked out with any of them.