Quotes and Jokes (8 Viewers)
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buffnut453
Captain
Ok...that's a good one. Still funny after 75 years!
Crimea_River
Marshal
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
It took me an extra minute to figure out the "Line" in the sand us Southern Boys are just a tad slow
SANCER
Senior Master Sergeant
I just found with this thread and I hope to make some contributions to our pleasant community.
Let me start with something that has to do with a good state of health:
During a medical review.-
Doctor: Do you practice any dangerous activity?
Patient: Sometimes I contradict my wife ...
Another one and I hope to start winning the floor right.
I remember my mom telling me:
1.- Go to bed early.
2.- Do not go out all day, stay at home.
3.- Do not go to a party
My punishments in childhood have become my adult goals.
... 
Saludos
Luis Carlos
Let me start with something that has to do with a good state of health:
During a medical review.-
Doctor: Do you practice any dangerous activity?
Patient: Sometimes I contradict my wife ...
Another one and I hope to start winning the floor right.
I remember my mom telling me:
1.- Go to bed early.
2.- Do not go out all day, stay at home.
3.- Do not go to a party
My punishments in childhood have become my adult goals.
... Saludos
Luis Carlos
Hansie Bloeckmann
Senior Airman
Just wondering- did you. by chance, happen to see the movie- "Sling Blade"?? If so, do you recall the joke told about the two Southern Good Ol' Boys leaning over a bridge (Tallhatchie maybe)?-- and "dickie-dunkin'"?? If so, you'll know where I am comin' from. I'm a Yankee Midwestern Flatlander by birth- but my 2 favorite songs are: Georgia On My Mind- and Phil Harris' "That's what I like about the South"-- and when I have a glass of Bourbon and Branch water, it's George Dickel. Best--HansieIt took me an extra minute to figure out the "Line" in the sand us Southern Boys are just a tad slow
Crimea_River
Marshal
Golf joke 2:
A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
SANCER
Senior Master Sergeant
... that's right, it's no secret. You start at hole 1, follow hole 2 and so on ... hahaha, the reporter must keep looking for work ...
Hansie Bloeckmann
Senior Airman
Here's a golf joke I heard at a recent poker game-before the Super Bowl started: A single guy lives for golf, but he plays to a 8 handicap. His work allows him to get in an early nine holes (dew-cutter) on his favorite course 4-5 days a week- solo-- One morning, he slices his tee shot into the woods, and sees smoke arising- nobody else out that early, so he strolls over to the smoke and sees a witch stirring a pot, suspended over a wood fire. "Hey, what's going on here?" he asks the hag. "I'm making golf pills" was her answer. "Golf pills?" he asks- what's the deal?"- "Well, handsome, the idea is-you take one a day, and by a month or so, you are a scratch handicap golfer, ready for the pro circuit if you wish". "Hummm-have they been tested yet?" "Not quite, but if you'd like to try a sample for free, I'll be glad to give you some" said the witch. "Oh boy, I would- but- don't give them to anyone else until I have gone a month-trial basis" he said. "OK, here you are- one every morning at breakfast-but, I should tell you about a possible side-effect- your sex drive might diminish somewhat"-- "Never mind that, Lady, give me the pills!"--
A month goes by, he has taken a golf pill religiously every morning, and his handicap is now at 1, instead of 8. But a big tournament at his club is on the horizon, and he needs more golf pills- so he goes back out to the course at sun-up, looking for the witch. He finds her in the trees, where he sliced his drive a month ago- walks up and says-" Good morning, I need more golf pills please." "Well, that will be $100 for a 30 day supply, Mister- no more freebies!" "Fair enough, "-and he opens his wallet and take out a Benjamin-hands it to her and takes the bottle of golf pills, a big smile on his face.
"Say, dearie" said the witch- they must be working for you!" "They are" was the reply-very well indeed. "Glad to hear that-but tell me, how about your sex drive-how is that?" "Well, you were right-I used to be "in the saddle" about 4-5 times a week- now it is down to 2 times a week- but what the Hell- that ain't all bad for a Catholic Priest with a small parish, right?"--
Father O'Bannion told us that joke- but he is better poker player than a golfer--
Hansie Bloeckmann
Senior Airman
I'll wager that the CAG on that carrier went "ballistic" after that event..
Crimea_River
Marshal
Golf Joke #3:
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- put me down for a five."
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- put me down for a five."
michaelmaltby
Colonel
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
In my day those were called Polish revolvers.
