Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)
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A4K
Brigadier General
A man and his wife are driving, and get into a huge row. She gets SO angry with him, she grabs a knife, cuts off his penis, and throws it out the window.
It hits the windscreen of the car behind them, in which a man is driving with his young daughter.
They both stare in amazement for a moment, then the girl asks 'Daddy, what's that thing on the window?'
Being a good man, and wanting to protect his daughter's innocence, he says 'oh, that's just a strange fly, darling'
She looks again, and says 'Geez, it's got a big d!ck!'
It hits the windscreen of the car behind them, in which a man is driving with his young daughter.
They both stare in amazement for a moment, then the girl asks 'Daddy, what's that thing on the window?'
Being a good man, and wanting to protect his daughter's innocence, he says 'oh, that's just a strange fly, darling'
She looks again, and says 'Geez, it's got a big d!ck!'
michael rauls
Tech Sergeant
- 1,679
- Jul 15, 2016
Obviously from the same company that printed the assembly instructions for my new barbecue.
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
michael rauls
Tech Sergeant
- 1,679
- Jul 15, 2016
Kinda reminds me of a quote I have seen atributed to Winston Churchill. I believe it was a female member of parliament that said" if I were your wife I would poison your tea". Churchill replied" if I were your husband I would drink it"
Crimea_River
Marshal
HOLLYWOOD SQUARES
These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
michael rauls
Tech Sergeant
- 1,679
- Jul 15, 2016
Ok I got one.
Two cows are out standing in a field and the first cow says" wow all this mad cow disease thats going around sure is scary".
The second cow answers back" ya I know what you mean.......... Sure glad I'm a chicken".
Two cows are out standing in a field and the first cow says" wow all this mad cow disease thats going around sure is scary".
The second cow answers back" ya I know what you mean.......... Sure glad I'm a chicken".
Sadly for the Germans, the factory manufacturing these was overrun shortly after successful deployment.
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
Last edited:
Crimea_River
Marshal
It had been snowing all night. So ....
> 8:00 I made a snowman.
> 8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
> 8:15 So, I made a snow woman
> 8:17 My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere
> 8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead
> 8:22 The transgender person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts
> 8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
> 8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white..
> 8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa
> 8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended
> 8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role
> 8:43 The council equalities officer arrived and threatened me with eviction
> 8:45 TV news crew from the CBC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women?
> I reply, "Snowballs" and am called a sexist.
> 9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic sensibility offender bent on stirring up trouble during difficult
> weather.
> 9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices... My children are taken by social services
>
> Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live today and it's going to get worse.
> 8:00 I made a snowman.
> 8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
> 8:15 So, I made a snow woman
> 8:17 My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere
> 8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead
> 8:22 The transgender person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts
> 8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
> 8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white..
> 8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa
> 8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended
> 8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role
> 8:43 The council equalities officer arrived and threatened me with eviction
> 8:45 TV news crew from the CBC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women?
> I reply, "Snowballs" and am called a sexist.
> 9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic sensibility offender bent on stirring up trouble during difficult
> weather.
> 9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices... My children are taken by social services
>
> Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live today and it's going to get worse.
Greg Boeser
2nd Lieutenant
Wait 'til the snow melts and they declare your yard a wetland, and insist that your house is in violation of the Wild Waters Act, and must be torn down.
