Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

[Crimea_River]

Me neither.

 

[Greg Boeser]

When my oldest son started high school he had to take the city bus across town. He would come home every day with crazy stories about people he encountered on the bus.
When he started his sophomore year the stories dwindled. I asked if he was still encountering weirdos on the bus.
"No. I pretend I'm asleep and drool a bit. People leave me alone now."

First rule of bus riding - don't make eye contact.

 

[Glider]

A modern social habit....

I work for a Police force and a member of the public made a complaint against one of the officers. The mother was sitting in a MacDonald's and her daughter was texting on her phone walking towards the restaurant which involved crossing entrance, just as one of our officers was turning into the carpark. He saw the girl and realised that she wasn't looking where she was going so stopped. She stepped right in front of the car without any idea that it was there, still texting and when she got right in front of the car, he turned on the lights and siren.

She jumped a mile, dropped the phone damaging it and the mother made a complaint, wanting to claim for the damaged phone, trauma and the rest of it. Glad to say case was dismissed but a note did go out to everyone advising that a little more tact should be used.

She needed a guiding hand

 

[Greg Boeser]

In our neighborhood everybody has seeing eye dogs to do the work. This is great as it eliminates the need for any social interaction with humans at all.

 

[Sid327]

I work for a Police force and a member of the public made a complaint against one of the officers. The mother was sitting in a MacDonald's and her daughter was texting on her phone walking towards the restaurant which involved crossing entrance, just as one of our officers was turning into the carpark. He saw the girl and realised that she wasn't looking where she was going so stopped. She stepped right in front of the car without any idea that it was there, still texting and when she got right in front of the car, he turned on the lights and siren.

She jumped a mile, dropped the phone damaging it and the mother made a complaint, wanting to claim for the damaged phone, trauma and the rest of it. Glad to say case was dismissed but a note did go out to everyone advising that a little more tact should be used.

She needed a guiding hand

This is the kind of tragedy we are seeing now:

 

[Sid327]

In our neighborhood everybody has seeing eye dogs to do the work. This is great as it eliminates the need for any social interaction with humans at all.

You're not wrong. Part of the ''millenial'' problem is they have lost the art of simple conversation.

 

[Sid327]

And now for something completely different.

 

[michaelmaltby]

The old Marine Sergeant Major

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Lucky13]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Wurger]

 

[vikingBerserker]

Brilliant!!!

 

[Capt. Vick]

View attachment 556623

I was just going to post this!

 

[Capt. Vick]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[fubar57]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Sid327]

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