Quotes and Jokes (5 Viewers)

Saw this one tonight and laughed my azz off...

The REAL reason the US Airways plane crashed into the Hudson: terrorism.

A Song To My Son
Do not call me, father dear. Do not seek me.
Do not call me, do not wish me back.
We're on a route uncharted,
fire and blood erase our track.
On we fly, on wings of thunder,
nevermore to sheath our swords.
All of us in battles fallen,
not to be brought back by words.
Will there be a rendezvous?
I know not.
I only know we still must fight.
We are sand grains in infinity,
never to meet, nevermore see light.

Farewell then my son, farewell then my conscience,
my youth and my solace, my one and my only.
And let this farewell be the end of the story,
a solitude vast in which none is more lonely.
In which you remain barred, forever and ever,
from light and from air with your death pangs untold.
Untold and unproved, not to be resurrected --
forever and ever, an eighteen year old.
Farewell then. No trains ever come from those regions,
unscheduled or scheduled. No airplanes fly there.
Farewell then my son, for no miracles happen,
as in this world, dreams do not come true.
Farewell.
I will dream of you still as a baby,
treading the earth with little strong toes.
The earth where so many already lie buried.
This song to my son, then, has come to its close.

-- Anonymous Englishman, 1944

You know you're Australian if:

1. You know the meaning of the word 'girt'.

2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.

4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.

5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.

7. When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom.

8. You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

9. You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.

10. You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'.

11. You believe the 'l' in the word ' Australia ' is optional.

12. You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'

13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, lobsters and sheep.

14. You call your best friend 'a total bastar*' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastar*'.

15. You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

18. You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.

19. You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread.

20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.

22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song / Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again /.

23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

24. You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'.

25. You wear ugg boots outside the house.

26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

29. You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite.

30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

31. You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'.

32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.

35. You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.

36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.

37. You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.

39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'.

43. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.



Happy Australia Day!

The Bush funnies

friggin' great...

Brill!!

Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

WalMart Employee: 'Hello 'dis is WalMarts bakery, how can I help you?'

Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'

WalMart Employee: 'Whatcha want on dat cake?'

Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne ' and underneath that

'We will miss you'.

WalMart Employee: 'How you spell Suzanne?'

thats funny

!!!

friggin unbelievable....

Haha

Riiiiight......

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.




He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'




The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc and kicking it's ass, jabbing it in the eye with his thumbs, throwing punches doing all kinds of stuff, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a goldfish. Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.




Finally the host says "Well Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars . " "Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it," said Colin. The rich man said 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" 'No thanks, I don't want it' answered Colin. The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options' Again Colin said no.




Confused, the rich man asked 'Well Colin, then what do you want?'




Colin said ...................


'I want the bastard who pushed me in the pool'