Go Colin!!
Quotes and Jokes (7 Viewers)
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RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
Catch22
Major
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
MY LIVING WILL
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A while ago, my friend and I were sitting in my room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my bottle of Scotch.
She's such a b!tch...
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A while ago, my friend and I were sitting in my room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my bottle of Scotch.
She's such a b!tch...
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Good one Chris....
Airframes
Benevolens Magister
I like it!
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Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, I'll leave the key under the mat.
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque.'
'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!'
'I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!'
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'
To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque.'
'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!'
'I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!'
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'
To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'
Great!
Njaco
The Pop-Tart Whisperer
Haha!
Airframes
Benevolens Magister
Brilliant!
Pisis
2nd Lieutenant
Grandson to his grandpa:
-"Gramps, did you see my pills anywhere? I put them here on the table. There were little letters on it: 'LSD'"
-"Screw the pills and come to kitchen to watch those two dragons fighting!"
-"Gramps, did you see my pills anywhere? I put them here on the table. There were little letters on it: 'LSD'"
-"Screw the pills and come to kitchen to watch those two dragons fighting!"
3 housewives are sitting at a table in a bar. they were talking about their sexlives. 2 of them said that their sexlives arent what they used to be, the 3rd housewive suggested the other 2 that they should buy some latex clothes and change into it before their husbands come home from work. the 2 wives agreed and they made an agreement to come back to the bar in a few days.
after a few days they were sitting at the table in the bar again. the 3rd wive asked the 2 others how it went.
the 1st wive said: well it couldnt have gone better, i changed clothes and waited on my husband, he came into the house and was immediatly sold. the door was barely closed or we were upstairs in the bedroom. we did it whole night long.
the 2 wives were excited and happy for eachother, the they both asked the 3rd wive how it went at her place.
well said the 3rd wive not as good as i hoped.
how come the 2 others asked.
3rd wive said: i was making diner in the kitchen and i saw at the clock that it was only an hour left till my husband came home, so i went to change clothes and waited for him in the kitchen. he came home, hanged his coat away, came into the kitchen, opened the fridge, grabbed a beer and took place in the couch and asked: Well Batman whats for dinner?
after a few days they were sitting at the table in the bar again. the 3rd wive asked the 2 others how it went.
the 1st wive said: well it couldnt have gone better, i changed clothes and waited on my husband, he came into the house and was immediatly sold. the door was barely closed or we were upstairs in the bedroom. we did it whole night long.
the 2 wives were excited and happy for eachother, the they both asked the 3rd wive how it went at her place.
well said the 3rd wive not as good as i hoped.
how come the 2 others asked.
3rd wive said: i was making diner in the kitchen and i saw at the clock that it was only an hour left till my husband came home, so i went to change clothes and waited for him in the kitchen. he came home, hanged his coat away, came into the kitchen, opened the fridge, grabbed a beer and took place in the couch and asked: Well Batman whats for dinner?
Bill and Ted where having a beer before the big game and Ted notices that Bill is not his usual self.
"Whassup, Bill ?"
"I just dont understand women !"
"Huh ?, whadja mean ? "
Bill then went on to explain that after the late night earlier in the week in which quite a few beers where consumed, he realised he's be in trouble when he got home, so he devised a clever plan.
"When I got home, I switched the car engine off and coasted the last few feet up the drive, got out as quite as possible and closed the door very, very gently. I even made sure I got the right key for the front door and let myself in without making any noise. I got undressed in the downstairs hall and tip-toed up the stairs, making sure I didn't step on the 3 creaky stairs !. As quiet as I could I went to the bathroom and didn't even flush when I'd finished. Then I crept into the bedroom, very slowly and carefully pulled the covers back on my side of the bed and even more carefully ,climbed into bed.".
"I was dead chuffed thinking I'd got away with it as I hadn't even turned on any lights !".
Then she turned over, looked at me and said in 'that voice' …you know, the one where whatever you say or do is only going to make matters worse… "And what time do call this you dirty stop-out….." and she went on and on and on and on and on so much I went downstairs and slept the night on the couch.
"She hasn't spoken to me since !".
Ted starts to laugh uncontrollably at this stage which doesn't exactly help Bill's mood.
When Ted has finally calmed down he says to Bill
" Mate , you got it all wrong !!!"
"When I come home from a late night out on the town, I come screeching into the drive , revving the engine and braking hard and late so as to squeal the wheels. I get out and slam the car doors then spend about five minutes making a racket at the front door as I try to find out how many times its possible to put the wrong key in the door. Then, when I'm in the house, I slam the door shut, bang and clatter all the way up the stairs (after switching all the lights on !) and into the bathroom where I make as much noise as possible. I even pull the flush a few times for good measure. Straight into the bedroom, where I fall over a few times while getting undressed and then rip the sheets back and jump into bed."
"Then I slap the missus on her behind, and demand in a very loud voice that we have rampant monkey sex straight away !"
"And do you know what ?……she's always sound asleep !!!!
"Whassup, Bill ?"
"I just dont understand women !"
"Huh ?, whadja mean ? "
Bill then went on to explain that after the late night earlier in the week in which quite a few beers where consumed, he realised he's be in trouble when he got home, so he devised a clever plan.
"When I got home, I switched the car engine off and coasted the last few feet up the drive, got out as quite as possible and closed the door very, very gently. I even made sure I got the right key for the front door and let myself in without making any noise. I got undressed in the downstairs hall and tip-toed up the stairs, making sure I didn't step on the 3 creaky stairs !. As quiet as I could I went to the bathroom and didn't even flush when I'd finished. Then I crept into the bedroom, very slowly and carefully pulled the covers back on my side of the bed and even more carefully ,climbed into bed.".
"I was dead chuffed thinking I'd got away with it as I hadn't even turned on any lights !".
Then she turned over, looked at me and said in 'that voice' …you know, the one where whatever you say or do is only going to make matters worse… "And what time do call this you dirty stop-out….." and she went on and on and on and on and on so much I went downstairs and slept the night on the couch.
"She hasn't spoken to me since !".
Ted starts to laugh uncontrollably at this stage which doesn't exactly help Bill's mood.
When Ted has finally calmed down he says to Bill
" Mate , you got it all wrong !!!"
"When I come home from a late night out on the town, I come screeching into the drive , revving the engine and braking hard and late so as to squeal the wheels. I get out and slam the car doors then spend about five minutes making a racket at the front door as I try to find out how many times its possible to put the wrong key in the door. Then, when I'm in the house, I slam the door shut, bang and clatter all the way up the stairs (after switching all the lights on !) and into the bathroom where I make as much noise as possible. I even pull the flush a few times for good measure. Straight into the bedroom, where I fall over a few times while getting undressed and then rip the sheets back and jump into bed."
"Then I slap the missus on her behind, and demand in a very loud voice that we have rampant monkey sex straight away !"
"And do you know what ?……she's always sound asleep !!!!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
8)
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to quench his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never danced, and I've never wanted too.'
A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector in order not to get a toe blown off or his boots perforated, was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied.
When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shot-gun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double click's carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow. The barrel of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.
The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The young bully swallowed hard and said, 'No sir, but I've always wanted to.'
There are two lessons for us all .
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don' t mess with old people.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never danced, and I've never wanted too.'
A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector in order not to get a toe blown off or his boots perforated, was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied.
When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shot-gun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double click's carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow. The barrel of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.
The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The young bully swallowed hard and said, 'No sir, but I've always wanted to.'
There are two lessons for us all .
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don' t mess with old people.
