Haha 
Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)
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Lucky13
Forum Mascot
Pisis
2nd Lieutenant
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's a illegallo to putto 5 peopolle in a Quattro." - "Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver. "Quattro meanso four," replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons." - "You can'ta pulla thato one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro meansa four. You havo fiveo peopolle ina your car and you are thereforra breakingo the law." The German driver replies angrily: "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!" - "Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
POLICE COMMENTS
These 16 comments by police officers were taken off actual police car videos around the country. Thank goodness, in spite of the perils of the job, they still have a since of humor...
16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
13. "If you run, you'll only to to jail tired."
12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
10. "Yes sir, you can talk to the Shift Supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the Shift Supervisor?"
9. "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are a drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey doodoo.'
6. "Yea, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4. "How big were those 'two beers' you said you had?"
3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We use to, but we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
2. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours, so you know someone who can post your bail."
1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
These 16 comments by police officers were taken off actual police car videos around the country. Thank goodness, in spite of the perils of the job, they still have a since of humor...
16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
13. "If you run, you'll only to to jail tired."
12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
10. "Yes sir, you can talk to the Shift Supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the Shift Supervisor?"
9. "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are a drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey doodoo.'
6. "Yea, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4. "How big were those 'two beers' you said you had?"
3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We use to, but we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
2. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours, so you know someone who can post your bail."
1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Vassili Zaitzev
Master Sergeant
Catch22
Major
I love that last one hehe. My dad's a policeman, and I think some of those things could get you canned, well up here anyway!
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
Subject: Life
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
Negative Creep
Staff Sergeant
Pisis
2nd Lieutenant
LMAO
Pisis
2nd Lieutenant
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Yesterday, I was at PetSmart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Angel the Wonder Dog. I was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her, 'No, I don't have a dog. I am starting the Purina Diet again.'
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets. Then you simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her, 'No, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.'
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard. PetSmart won't let me shop there anymore.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her, 'No, I don't have a dog. I am starting the Purina Diet again.'
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets. Then you simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her, 'No, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.'
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard. PetSmart won't let me shop there anymore.
Matt308
Glock Perfection
.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
WAIT FOR ME
Konstantin Simonov, summer 1941...
To Valentina Serova
Wait for me and I'll return.
Only wait very hard.
Wait when you are filled with sorrow,
As you watch the yellow rain.
Wait when the winds sweep the snow drifts.
Wait in the sweltering heat.
Wait when others have stopped waiting,
Forgetting their yesterdays.
Wait when even from afar, no letters come to you.
Wait even when others are tired of waiting.
Wait even when my mother and son think I am no more.
And when friends sit around the fire,
Drinking to my memory,
Wait, and do not hurry to drink to my memory too soon.
Wait, for I'll return, defying every death.
And let those who do not wait say that I was lucky.
They never will understand that in the midst of death,
You, with your waiting, saved me.
Only you and I will know how I survived.
It's because you waited, as no one else did.
Konstantin Simonov, summer 1941...
To Valentina Serova
Wait for me and I'll return.
Only wait very hard.
Wait when you are filled with sorrow,
As you watch the yellow rain.
Wait when the winds sweep the snow drifts.
Wait in the sweltering heat.
Wait when others have stopped waiting,
Forgetting their yesterdays.
Wait when even from afar, no letters come to you.
Wait even when others are tired of waiting.
Wait even when my mother and son think I am no more.
And when friends sit around the fire,
Drinking to my memory,
Wait, and do not hurry to drink to my memory too soon.
Wait, for I'll return, defying every death.
And let those who do not wait say that I was lucky.
They never will understand that in the midst of death,
You, with your waiting, saved me.
Only you and I will know how I survived.
It's because you waited, as no one else did.
Flegmatica
Airman
- 10
- Jan 18, 2009
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
