Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)

A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATHS

He writes:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female
driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the
driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his
arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.

'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile
nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does
anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper,
I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I
pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all
females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all
females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one
female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem,
has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger?

I don't think so!!

Gnomey that was brilliant

Brilliant Hugh!

A professor at Penn State was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in
ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do
any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'


Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been
giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his
way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor
asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex
with a ghost?'

Bubba replied, '****... from way back there I thought you said goats.'

Smart lady!

An old lady gets pulled over for speeding.
Old lady: "What seems to be the problem officer?"
Officer:"U where speeding madame"
Old lady:"Oh..."
Offcier:"Can i have you're driverslicence please?"
Old lady:"I would love to if I had one"
Officer:"You dont have a driverslicence?"
Old lady:"No, its been revoced 4 years ago for D.U.I"
Officer:"OK... can i have you're registrationpapers please"
Old lady:"i cant give them"
Officer:"Why not?"
Old lady:"I stole this car"
Officer:"You stole it?"
Old lady:"Yes, and i killed the owner and chopped him into pieces"
Officer:"You did what???"
Old lady:"I chopped the owner into pieces and putted him into shoppingbags, he's in the trunk if you want to see him"

The officer looks at the old lady and is slowly stepping towards his car and call's for reinforcements.
Within 5 minutes 6 patrols cars arrive and surround the old lady.
A sheriff walks towards the old lady with gun drawn.

Sheriff:"Madame, could you step out of the car please"
the old lady steps out of the car.

Old lady:"Is there a problem officer?"
Sheriff:"One of my officers told me that you stole this car and killed the owner"
Old Lady:"Killed the owner...?
Sheriff:"Yes, could you open the trunk?"

The old lady opens the trunk and shows it to the sherrif, the trunk is empty.

Sheriff:"Is this your car madam?"
Old lady:"Yes, look at my registrationpaper."

The officer looks suprised towards the old lady.

Sheriff:"The officer also said that you didnt have a driverslicence"

The old lady starts digging into her purse and takes out a valid driverslicence and necessary papers and shows them to the sheriff, he starts checking and looks towards her with a suprised face.

Sheriff:"Thank you madame, one of my officers called me here and told me you didnt have a driverslicence or registrationpapers and that yoy killed the owner and pushed him into the trunk."
Old lady:"I bet that the bastard also told you that i was speeding??"

Moral of the story: Don't mess with older ladies!

Nice series Guys!

Only a person in Texas could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport,
comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol
parked outside a bar on 6th Street in Austin, Texas. After last call the
officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently
intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes,
with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an
eternity in which he tried his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons
left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and
off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers
on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then
switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a
little and then remained still for a few more minutes as
more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot,
he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time,
now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
promptly pulled the man over and administered a Breathalyzer
test.

To his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence
that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to
accompany me to the police station.

This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck.
'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

Have you heard about the blind free-fall parachutist ?.

When asked how he knew when he was getting near the ground, he replied 'Its easy....the dog lead goes slack !'.

A husband and wife are on the 9th green, when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack.
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

He quickly calls the clubhouse on his cell phone, and after a brief conversation, picks up his putter and lines up his stroke.

His wife looks up from the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying over here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," he says calmly. "They found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody has agreed to let him play through."

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3Jkix4o2eQ

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, about 2 hours.'
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?¢ The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?¢ The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.'
The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, 'Hey, Bill, do me a favor.'
'Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'
A little while later Bill returned to the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So where does that guy go when he leaves?'
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, 'Your house.'

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and
was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her
purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you
can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

Colonoscopies - by Dave Barry


Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for
the Miami Herald.

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy
journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to
make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in
his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a
lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one
point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy
explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I
didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain
was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE
17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions,
and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'
which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.
I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it
to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of
America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around
being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I
began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I
didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was
chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix
two packets of powder together in a one-liter
plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For
those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes
about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being
kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with
just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody
with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it,
'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This
is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof,
you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too
graphic here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle
launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with
you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty
much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You
eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be
totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep,
at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel
into the future and start eliminating food that you have not
even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very
nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I
had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep
spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on
Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something
like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the
forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other
colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained
space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind
that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked
than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in
my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie
was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also
told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At
first I was ticked off that I hadn't t hought of this
but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself
too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering
around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but
to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I
knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was
seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on
my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking
something up to the needle in my hand. There was music
playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that,
of all the songs that could be playing during this
particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the
least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from
somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it
was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a
decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I
am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it
was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment,
ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the
tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the
other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was
looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me
that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with
flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal
organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the
exam were quite humorous.... A physician claimed that the
following are actual comments made by his patients
(predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all....

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?

I've had a couple colonoscopies, so that last one was rather funny to me.

Patient: "Doctor, doctor! My wife has lost her voice! How can I help her get it back?"

Doctor: "Try coming home at 3 in the morning."