Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)

[buffnut453]

We went to visit my dear old Mum and, while there, decided to take her out to Chester for the day. She's 92 so getting around on her own is challenging but we reckoned a suitable entourage of son, daughter-in-law, 2 grandsons and a granddaughter-in-law would probably suffice to keep her out of trouble.

As we wandered up the Rows towards Chester Cross, we came across this sign in the street (our youngest--now 18--pointed it out). Had to share with the Forum 'cos it's just TOO GOOD!

 

[special ed]

 

[special ed]

 

[special ed]

 

[special ed]

 

[Greg Boeser]

What the freaking hell??!!!!

 

[at6]

View attachment 672157

I'll take two please.

 

[Greg Boeser]

I need a bigger office.

 

[Gnomey]

 

[at6]

There they were running around barking and then they stopped, sniffed each other's butts, and barked some more. A female showed up and all Hell broke loose. I really need to stop watching The Bachelorette.

 

[special ed]

 

[special ed]

 

[special ed]

 

[Wurger]

 

[Greg Boeser]

View attachment 672433

There's a Dairy Queen next to ours.

 

[Lucky13]

 

[Lucky13]

"Double wide"?

 

[Lucky13]

 

[Lucky13]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most
of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set hand brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7.. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the
car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release hand brake.

 

[Thumpalumpacus]

View attachment 672435

Two blondes are out hiking past Ojai when they come across a set of tracks.

"We should be careful," says one. "Those look like mountain-lion tracks."

"Oh, pshaw," says the other. "Those are racoon tracks, are you dumb or what?"

They debated it for three or four minutes before the train came along and killed them both.