Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)

[Wayne Little]

An old couple who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a
long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to
get married.

Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned
over towards her and whispered ..

'Is that one word or two?

 

[Airframes]

Brilliant Wayne, I'm still chuckling!

 

[sabrina]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Lucky13]

That night, all night, the destroyers chased Japs subs. On the decks of the destroyers, underneath the stars, were piled dead and wounded bodies. Survivors of the Yorktown watched the hulk of their ship still floating through the night. Perhaps she could still be saved?
But at dawn, salvage was seen to be impossible. The ship had a terrible list to port.
Said Captain Buckmaster, "Her flightdeck was in the water, Her battle flags were still flying. We hadn't taken them down."
At 6.30 a.m. all hands on the patrolling destroyers were called on deck.
"Come on topside," somebody said to Chief Wright, "and see your ship go down." Gradually the Yorktown was settling. There was no comotion, no fire. Nobody said anything. She was going stern first.
Taps sounded out across the water from all the destroyers.
Sailors, lining the rails, raised their hands in salute.
At 7.01 a.m. the Yorktown sank. It was June 7, six months to the hour after the first shot at Pearl Harbor.



From Life magazine, November 16th, 1942....

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[vikingBerserker]

 

[v2]

A man feared his wife Gloria wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

'Frank , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[wheelsup_cavu]

Wheelsup

 

[Gnomey]

 

[diddyriddick]

A woman goes to the doctor. In the examining room, the medico says to her, " I hope this isn't too forward, but you have the breasts of a 20 year old woman." Somewhat redfaced, the woman thanks the Doc and finishes the visit.

Later that afternoon, her husband walks in to find her admiring herself in the mirror. "What in hell are you doing," he asks. So she told him of her interview with the Doctor that day. "Did he mention your 40 year-old ass?" he responded.

No, she answered, your name never came up.

 

[Thorlifter]

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[Soren]

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

 

[Aaron Brooks Wolters]

 

[Soren]

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"