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Quotes and Jokes
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Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
Ferdinand Foch
Staff Sergeant
At a drugstore, a man is very excited for buying his first box of viagra ever. He's so excited that as soon as he is home, he pops a pill into his mouth, and waits for his wife.
Unfortunately, his pet parrot manages to open the box and swallows several of the pills. The man is so nervous about this that he throws the parrot into the freezer, hoping that it will allow the parrot to "cool" off after a few mintues.
However, the wife gets into the house just then, and in the frenzy that followed, the man left the parrot in the freezer for a few hours. Fearing the worst, the man opens the freezer, only to find the parrot alive, but painting heavily and drenched in sweat. When the man asks on why he is tired and sweaty, the parrot replies:
"Do you know how hard it is to pry open the legs on a frozen chicken."
Unfortunately, his pet parrot manages to open the box and swallows several of the pills. The man is so nervous about this that he throws the parrot into the freezer, hoping that it will allow the parrot to "cool" off after a few mintues.
However, the wife gets into the house just then, and in the frenzy that followed, the man left the parrot in the freezer for a few hours. Fearing the worst, the man opens the freezer, only to find the parrot alive, but painting heavily and drenched in sweat. When the man asks on why he is tired and sweaty, the parrot replies:
"Do you know how hard it is to pry open the legs on a frozen chicken."
parsifal
Colonel
EU Directive No. 456179
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009.
From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.
Thank you for your co-operation.
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009.
From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.
Thank you for your co-operation.
sabrina
Airman 1st Class
wheelsup_cavu
1st Sergeant
Thanks Ferdinand.
Wheels
Wheels
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
sabrina
Airman 1st Class
I just opened my freezer to grab some chicken for dinner, and lo and behold, an image came to mind...again, thanks, Ferdinand.
wheelsup_cavu
1st Sergeant
I may never look at a frozen chicken again and not laugh.
Wheels
Wheels
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
You guys really know how to mess up a meal. MAN!!
Ferdinand Foch
Staff Sergeant
Thanks guys, I always like to keep it interesting (sorry for the images).
My only regret is that I didn't pick up the book that the joke came from.
My only regret is that I didn't pick up the book that the joke came from.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Rules of Conduct!
*Dear Civilians, We know that the current state of affairs in our great
nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military.
For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a
few of the areas where we would like your assistance:*
1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during
the playing of the National Anthem - kick their ass.
2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in
protest
- kick their ass.
3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest
amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise,
quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the
very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many
sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great.
- Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.
4.(GUYS) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were.
Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling others
that you used to be 'Special Forces.
Collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven
years old, now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass
kicked.
5.. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them,
'Do you fly a jet?' Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot.
- Such ignorance deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).
6.If you witness someone calling the *US Coast Guard* 'non-military',
inform them of their mistake
- and kick their ass.
7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get on
your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your
heart.
Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying
her
- of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe
ass-kicking.
8. Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or veteran. We
are Americans, and we all bleed the same, regardless of our party affiliation.
Our Chain of Command is to include our Commander-In-Chief(CinC). The
President (for those who didn't know) is our CinC Regardless of
political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those
big important buildings where all those representatives meet All we know
is that when those civilian resentatives screw up the situation, they
call upon the military to go straighten it out.
- If you keep asking us the same stupid questions repeatedly, you will
get your ass kicked.
9. 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me - stop saying
it!
If she did, she would most likely be a vet and
- therefore would kick your ass!
10.. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying 'Let's
go kill those Commies!' And stop asking us where he is!
Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me -
if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know,
so I can go kick their ass!
11.. 'Flyboy' (*Air Force*), 'Jarhead' (*Marines),* 'Grunt' (*Army*),
'Squid'
(*Navy*), 'Puddle Jumpers' (*Coast Guard*), etc., are terms of
endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member
or vet, you have not earned the right to use them.
- Using them could get your ass kicked.
12. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the
military, support our troops and their families... Every Thanksgiving
and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please
remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors,
marines and airmen far from home wishing; they could be with their
families.. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every
day..
Without them, our Country would get it's ass kicked..'
'It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of
the press.'
'It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of
speech.'
'It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the
freedom to demonstrate.'
'It 's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag,
and whose coffin is draped by
the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.' ** AMEN SISTER **
*AND ONE MORE::
13. If you ever see anyone either standing for or singing the national
anthem in Spanish
- KICK THEIR ASS!!!!
*Dear Civilians, We know that the current state of affairs in our great
nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military.
For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a
few of the areas where we would like your assistance:*
1. The next time you see any adults talking (or wearing a hat) during
the playing of the National Anthem - kick their ass.
2. When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in
protest
- kick their ass.
3. Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest
amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise,
quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the
very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many
sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great.
- Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.
4.(GUYS) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were.
Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs) or Jungle Fatigues, telling others
that you used to be 'Special Forces.
Collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven
years old, now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass
kicked.
5.. Next time you come across an *Air Force* member, do not ask them,
'Do you fly a jet?' Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot.
- Such ignorance deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).
6.If you witness someone calling the *US Coast Guard* 'non-military',
inform them of their mistake
- and kick their ass.
7. Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get on
your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your
heart.
Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying
her
- of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe
ass-kicking.
8. Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or veteran. We
are Americans, and we all bleed the same, regardless of our party affiliation.
Our Chain of Command is to include our Commander-In-Chief(CinC). The
President (for those who didn't know) is our CinC Regardless of
political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those
big important buildings where all those representatives meet All we know
is that when those civilian resentatives screw up the situation, they
call upon the military to go straighten it out.
- If you keep asking us the same stupid questions repeatedly, you will
get your ass kicked.
9. 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me - stop saying
it!
If she did, she would most likely be a vet and
- therefore would kick your ass!
10.. Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying 'Let's
go kill those Commies!' And stop asking us where he is!
Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me -
if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know,
so I can go kick their ass!
11.. 'Flyboy' (*Air Force*), 'Jarhead' (*Marines),* 'Grunt' (*Army*),
'Squid'
(*Navy*), 'Puddle Jumpers' (*Coast Guard*), etc., are terms of
endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member
or vet, you have not earned the right to use them.
- Using them could get your ass kicked.
12. Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the
military, support our troops and their families... Every Thanksgiving
and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please
remember that there are literally thousands of soldiers, sailors,
marines and airmen far from home wishing; they could be with their
families.. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every
day..
Without them, our Country would get it's ass kicked..'
'It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of
the press.'
'It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of
speech.'
'It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the
freedom to demonstrate.'
'It 's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag,
and whose coffin is draped by
the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.' ** AMEN SISTER **
*AND ONE MORE::
13. If you ever see anyone either standing for or singing the national
anthem in Spanish
- KICK THEIR ASS!!!!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Some truth in here....some not.....
Then and Now: Military Service Compared, World War II and Today.
1945- Rifles were made of wood and steel, shot a .30 caliber bullet that killed the enemy.
Now- Rifles are made of plastic and aluminum, shoot a .22 caliber bullet that wounds the enemy.
1945- The winning side used a US made .45 Caliber pistol, the losers a European 9mm.
Now- We use a European 9mm pistol. Nobody uses the .45.
1945- If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk.
Now- If you smoke, you are sent outside and are treated like a leper.
1945- If you said "damn," people knew you were annoyed and avoided you.
Now- If you say "damn" you better be talking about a hydroelectric plant.
1945- NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
Now- Everyone has an Internet computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.
1945- We painted pictures of pretty girls on airplanes to remind us of home
Now- We put the real thing in the cockpit.
1945- Your girlfriend was at home, praying you would return alive.
Now- She is in the same foxhole, praying your condom worked.
1945- If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off.
Now- If you get drunk any time they slap you in rehab and ruin your whole career.
1945- You were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
Now- You spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you are out of ammo.
1945- Canteens were made out of steel. You could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
Now- Canteens are made of plastic. You can't heat anything in them and they always taste like plastic.
1945- Officers were professional soldiers first. They commanded respect.
Now- Officers are politicians first. They beg not to be given a wedgie.
1945- They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.
Now- They collect our pee and analyze it.
1945- If you don't act right, the commander might put you in the stockade till you straighten up.
Now- If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.
1945- Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
Now- Medals are awarded to people who show up for work most of the time.
1945- You slept in a barracks, like a soldier.
Now- You sleep in a dormitory, like a college kid.
1945- You ate in a Mess Hall. It was free and you could have all the food you wanted.
Now- You eat in a dining facility. Every slice of bread or pat of butter costs, and you can only have one.
1945- If you wanted to relax, you went to the Rec. Center, played pool, smoked and drank beer.
Now- You go to the Community Center and can still play pool.
1945- If you wanted a beer and conversation you could go to the NCO or Officers Club.
Now- The beer will cost you $2.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink.
1945- You could buy quartermaster gas tax free because it was on a military reservation.
Now- AAFES charges you the tax but pockets the money themselves because it is on a military reservation.
1945-The PX had bargains for GI's who didn't make much money.
Now- You can get better merchandise cheaper at Wal-Mart.
1945- If a general wanted to make a presentation he scribbled some notes down and a corporal prepared a bunch of charts
Now- The general prepares his own charts, spending hours usnig Power Point.
1945- We could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets.
Now- We are wearing the Nazi helmets.
1945- We called the enemy things like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't like them.
Now- We call the enemy things like "opposing forces" and "aggressors" so we won't offend them.
1945- Victory was declared when the enemy was dead and all his things were broken.
Now- Victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.
1945- If you killed an enemy soldier, you could bring home his rifle as a trophy.
Now- If you bring home anything at all as a trophy you get a court martial.
1945- A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
Now- A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.
1945- After the war, you could buy your own rifle from the government, cheap.
Now- You can't be trusted with your own rifle, and you'll be jailed if you ever get one.
1945- Wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories.
Now- Wars are planned and run by politicians with lots of important panty raids.
1945- All you could think of was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
Now- All you can think of is getting out and becoming a civilian again.
Then and Now: Military Service Compared, World War II and Today.
1945- Rifles were made of wood and steel, shot a .30 caliber bullet that killed the enemy.
Now- Rifles are made of plastic and aluminum, shoot a .22 caliber bullet that wounds the enemy.
1945- The winning side used a US made .45 Caliber pistol, the losers a European 9mm.
Now- We use a European 9mm pistol. Nobody uses the .45.
1945- If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk.
Now- If you smoke, you are sent outside and are treated like a leper.
1945- If you said "damn," people knew you were annoyed and avoided you.
Now- If you say "damn" you better be talking about a hydroelectric plant.
1945- NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
Now- Everyone has an Internet computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.
1945- We painted pictures of pretty girls on airplanes to remind us of home
Now- We put the real thing in the cockpit.
1945- Your girlfriend was at home, praying you would return alive.
Now- She is in the same foxhole, praying your condom worked.
1945- If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off.
Now- If you get drunk any time they slap you in rehab and ruin your whole career.
1945- You were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
Now- You spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you are out of ammo.
1945- Canteens were made out of steel. You could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
Now- Canteens are made of plastic. You can't heat anything in them and they always taste like plastic.
1945- Officers were professional soldiers first. They commanded respect.
Now- Officers are politicians first. They beg not to be given a wedgie.
1945- They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.
Now- They collect our pee and analyze it.
1945- If you don't act right, the commander might put you in the stockade till you straighten up.
Now- If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.
1945- Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
Now- Medals are awarded to people who show up for work most of the time.
1945- You slept in a barracks, like a soldier.
Now- You sleep in a dormitory, like a college kid.
1945- You ate in a Mess Hall. It was free and you could have all the food you wanted.
Now- You eat in a dining facility. Every slice of bread or pat of butter costs, and you can only have one.
1945- If you wanted to relax, you went to the Rec. Center, played pool, smoked and drank beer.
Now- You go to the Community Center and can still play pool.
1945- If you wanted a beer and conversation you could go to the NCO or Officers Club.
Now- The beer will cost you $2.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink.
1945- You could buy quartermaster gas tax free because it was on a military reservation.
Now- AAFES charges you the tax but pockets the money themselves because it is on a military reservation.
1945-The PX had bargains for GI's who didn't make much money.
Now- You can get better merchandise cheaper at Wal-Mart.
1945- If a general wanted to make a presentation he scribbled some notes down and a corporal prepared a bunch of charts
Now- The general prepares his own charts, spending hours usnig Power Point.
1945- We could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets.
Now- We are wearing the Nazi helmets.
1945- We called the enemy things like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't like them.
Now- We call the enemy things like "opposing forces" and "aggressors" so we won't offend them.
1945- Victory was declared when the enemy was dead and all his things were broken.
Now- Victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.
1945- If you killed an enemy soldier, you could bring home his rifle as a trophy.
Now- If you bring home anything at all as a trophy you get a court martial.
1945- A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
Now- A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.
1945- After the war, you could buy your own rifle from the government, cheap.
Now- You can't be trusted with your own rifle, and you'll be jailed if you ever get one.
1945- Wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories.
Now- Wars are planned and run by politicians with lots of important panty raids.
1945- All you could think of was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
Now- All you can think of is getting out and becoming a civilian again.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder
On Michael Jackson's Death…
....... .. … … .. …..
.
.. . . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. ... . … ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... ..... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
.. . . … .. . . . ..
... . .... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. … ..
.. ;.... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....
Deep stuff hey?
I nearly cried when he said . .. . . . .. .. … .. .. . . .... ....
On Michael Jackson's Death…
....... .. … … .. …..
.
.. . . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. ... . … ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... ..... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
.. . . … .. . . . ..
... . .... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. … ..
.. ;.... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....
Deep stuff hey?
I nearly cried when he said . .. . . . .. .. … .. .. . . .... ....
, loved the lines about helmets
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
Nice.....
