Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)

[Wayne Little]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[B-17engineer]

True.

 

[Velius]

Just read this one a while ago...

Hannu wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. That night, he e-mails her but misspells the address and it goes to a recent widow.

The next day the widow's son finds his mother passed out in front of the computer. On the screen is this e-mail: "My darling wife, I've just gotten here and everything's set for your arrival tomorrow. I hope your trip down here will be as pleasant as mine.

"P.S. It's really hot!"

 

[Condora]

Hi guys, hope you haven't already posted this one:

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. "Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"

Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."
Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"

"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained.
"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.

"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.

"It's a very "old" bottle now, you know," urged Pat.
"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.

"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?

 

[RabidAlien]

 

[Wayne Little]

...

 

[Condora]

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd really love to be ten again" she replied wistfully.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Frosties and then took her off to their local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema to see the latest blockbuster, complete with a hot-dog, popcorn, a big fizzy drink, and a huge bag of M&M's, her favourite sweets.

What a time she had!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Darling, what was it like being ten again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"You idiot", she replied. "I meant my dress size..."

And the moral of the story:

Even when a man is listening, he's still going to get it wrong

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Condora]

WAIT FOR ME

Konstantin Simonov, summer 1941...

To Valentina Serova
Wait for me and I'll return.
Only wait very hard.
Wait when you are filled with sorrow,
As you watch the yellow rain.
Wait when the winds sweep the snow drifts.
Wait in the sweltering heat.
Wait when others have stopped waiting,
Forgetting their yesterdays.

Wait when even from afar, no letters come to you.
Wait even when others are tired of waiting.
Wait even when my mother and son think I am no more.
And when friends sit around the fire,
Drinking to my memory,
Wait, and do not hurry to drink to my memory too soon.

Wait, for I'll return, defying every death.
And let those who do not wait say that I was lucky.
They never will understand that in the midst of death,
You, with your waiting, saved me.
Only you and I will know how I survived.
It's because you waited, as no one else did.

Great poem, I did not know about him, always good to have something knew to read...

 

[Condora]

Saw this one tonight and laughed my azz off...

I have a tiny car, can't wait to also post that in it!

 

[Condora]

Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

WalMart Employee: 'Hello 'dis is WalMarts bakery, how can I help you?'

Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'

WalMart Employee: 'Whatcha want on dat cake?'

Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne ' and underneath that

'We will miss you'.

WalMart Employee: 'How you spell Suzanne?'

I had a similar case: I was paying something, with a debit card, and asked for a receipt.
The employee asked me what name to put on the receipt. As my name always is misspelled (No, I'm not Apu from the Simpsons!), I said it was the same that was on the card.

I got a receipt for M. Electronic Use Only.

To this day, I think I should have kept it, instead of asking for him to correct it...

 

[Condora]

Colonoscopies - by Dave Barry


Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for
the Miami Herald.

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy
journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to
make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in
his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a
lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one
point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy
explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I
didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain
was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE
17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions,
and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'
which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.
I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it
to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of
America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around
being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I
began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I
didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was
chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix
two packets of powder together in a one-liter
plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For
those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32
gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes
about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being
kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with
just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody
with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it,
'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This
is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof,
you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too
graphic here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle
launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with
you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty
much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You
eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be
totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep,
at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel
into the future and start eliminating food that you have not
even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very
nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I
had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep
spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on
Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something
like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the
forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other
colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained
space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind
that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked
than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in
my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie
was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also
told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At
first I was ticked off that I hadn't t hought of this
but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself
too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering
around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but
to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I
knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was
seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on
my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking
something up to the needle in my hand. There was music
playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that,
of all the songs that could be playing during this
particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the
least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from
somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it
was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a
decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I
am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it
was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment,
ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the
tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the
other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was
looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me
that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with
flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal
organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the
exam were quite humorous.... A physician claimed that the
following are actual comments made by his patients
(predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all....

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?

He had it easy!
Anesthesia!?
I had a guy holding a wand, and thinking he was Harry bl**dy-Potter doing "wingardium leviosa" up my @ss!

 

[RabidAlien]

Adam wants to see the world and signs on to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it.

Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"





today'sTHOT============================

Called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be buying? He said, "Canned goods and ammunition."

 

[Wayne Little]

..

 

[Gnomey]

 

[RabidAlien]

George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to

bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,

which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to

go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing

things.



He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing

from me.



Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your

doors and an officer will be along when one is available."



George said, "Okay."



He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.



"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people

stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now

because I just shot them." and he hung up.



Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire

Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'

residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.



One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot

them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

[Condora]

Old geezers RULE!

 

[Wayne Little]

..

 

[Gnomey]