last one even had my wife laughing!
Quotes and Jokes
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Heard it before but it still cracks me up
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
" I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell
me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy,and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy returns to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
" I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell
me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy,and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy returns to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
wheelsup_cavu
1st Sergeant
Wheels
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
An older man was driving down the freeway when his cell phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's some idiot driving a car the wrong way on Highway 280. Please be careful!"
"Hazel!" said Herman, "It's not just one car! There's hundreds of them!"
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's some idiot driving a car the wrong way on Highway 280. Please be careful!"
"Hazel!" said Herman, "It's not just one car! There's hundreds of them!"
Lipstick in School
According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators
According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Seen that one before, GD, but I still have to salute that teacher! Brilliant!!!
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
I like that one Gary!!
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
That was ingenious!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
RULES FOR CHOOSING A SUPERHERO NAME
1. Don't call yourself by your real name: e.g., Ms. Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.
2. Don't call yourself by someone else's real name: e.g., Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.
3. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess: e.g., Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.
4. Don't be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly Incredibleman.
5. But don't labor the point: e.g., Mr. So-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.
6. Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image: e.g., Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Evil
7. Don't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.
8. It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenital heart condition. It's just asking for trouble.
9. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're not.
10. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're a girl.
11. Don't call yourself the Invisible Lady if you're a man -- even if you do feel like a woman trapped in a man's body.
12. Don't give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable To Strontium 90.
13. Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume. You'll confuse people.
today'sTHOT============================
My body may be present, but my mind has already teed off.
1. Don't call yourself by your real name: e.g., Ms. Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.
2. Don't call yourself by someone else's real name: e.g., Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.
3. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess: e.g., Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.
4. Don't be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly Incredibleman.
5. But don't labor the point: e.g., Mr. So-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.
6. Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image: e.g., Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Evil
7. Don't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.
8. It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenital heart condition. It's just asking for trouble.
9. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're not.
10. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're a girl.
11. Don't call yourself the Invisible Lady if you're a man -- even if you do feel like a woman trapped in a man's body.
12. Don't give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable To Strontium 90.
13. Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume. You'll confuse people.
today'sTHOT============================
My body may be present, but my mind has already teed off.
Colin1
Senior Master Sergeant
Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
Brief pause
"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."
Brief Pause
"Uhhh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn"t moving at all!"
"Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool but I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
Long Pause
"Swimming pool? ........... Is this 7486-5731?"
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
Brief pause
"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."
Brief Pause
"Uhhh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn"t moving at all!"
"Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool but I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
Long Pause
"Swimming pool? ........... Is this 7486-5731?"
B-17engineer
Colonel
Hahahahahahahah!!!
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO
syscom3
Pacific Historian
LIE CLOCK...
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of
St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of
clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will
move.'
'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible ,' said the man. 'And whose clock
is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's
clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe
told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's Obama's clock?' asked the man.
'Obama 's clock is in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan.
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of
St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of
clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will
move.'
'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible ,' said the man. 'And whose clock
is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's
clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe
told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's Obama's clock?' asked the man.
'Obama 's clock is in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan.
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Humbug! Obama never lies!!! The guy who types his telepromter is the one lying!!!! 
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