Quotes and Jokes
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Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across
the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father! and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies. "I work for the IRS."
the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father! and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies. "I work for the IRS."
Maestro
Master Sergeant
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Colin1
Senior Master Sergeant
A customer in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy says to his manager, "Some a$$hole out there wants to buy half a head of lettuce..."
As he finishes his sentence, he turns to find the customer standing right behind him, so he adds, "...and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approves the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager says to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who think on their feet here; where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replies.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asks.
The boy says, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" replies the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No $h!t?" replies the boy "Who'd she play for?"
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy says to his manager, "Some a$$hole out there wants to buy half a head of lettuce..."
As he finishes his sentence, he turns to find the customer standing right behind him, so he adds, "...and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approves the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager says to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who think on their feet here; where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replies.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asks.
The boy says, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" replies the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No $h!t?" replies the boy "Who'd she play for?"
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
NICE!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
B-17engineer
Colonel
Maestro
Master Sergeant
sabrina
Airman 1st Class
Now that's smooth. 
A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Oklahoma. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in dis-gust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? (Somebody please explain THIS ONE to me, I know there's a logical explanation, but it escapes me)
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" ! to have "S" in it?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts Of God?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? (Somebody please explain THIS ONE to me, I know there's a logical explanation, but it escapes me)
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" ! to have "S" in it?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts Of God?
