Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)

[Wayne Little]

The Irishman and the Almost Affair
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, ALMOST?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You are not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

He paused by the poor box for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you that's the same as putting it in."

 

[CliffyB]

DHL announced the newest addition to their fleet today; reported to save millions on fuel!

 

[Gnomey]

 

[vikingBerserker]

 

[RabidAlien]

It'll still piss off the tree-huggers, I'll betcha.

 

[Wayne Little]

Kirk was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. Kirk took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,

"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Kirk asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" Kirk asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" Kirk asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said Kirk, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Kim."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

Kirk replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex!!!!"

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Wayne Little]

Little Johnny

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my Granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.

The teacher cried.

 

[RabidAlien]

Grandpa was reminiscing about the good old days...

"When I was a boy, my Momma would send
me down to the corner store with a dollar - and
I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes,
two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a
pound of cheese, a box of tea and a half dozen eggs.

Can't do that now. Too many security cameras."

 

[Gnomey]

 

[vikingBerserker]

 

[Maestro]

 

[mikewint]

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[RabidAlien]

An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those drums?"

The guide turned to him and said, "Drums okay, but VERY BAD when they stop."

As they traveled the drums grew louder and louder. The anthropologist was nervous, but the guide merely repeated, "Drums okay. Drums not bad. When drums stop, then very bad!"

Then the drums suddenly stopped. Terrified, the anthropologist yelled to the guide: "The drums stopped! What now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Guitar solo."



today'sTHOT============================

I have a super power. I can read my own thoughts.

 

[Loiner]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home, and when I got home I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then even my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop the capsules in and sit here watching the arsenic dissolve. Then some stranger shows up and drinks the whole thing!" ... "So, how's things with you .. oh, you don't look very well ..."

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[vikingBerserker]

LMAO

 

[mikewint]