Quotes and Jokes (14 Viewers)
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The one about the four girls is funny 
The old men(75+) keep sending me these emails
TEXAS DEPUTY SHERIFF vs. NEW YORK LAWYER
Only in Texas my friends..Only in Texas .....Too bad...
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , TX . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'
'What for?' says the lawyer...
The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'
The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats..
Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the sh@# out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
Bless Texas .......
The old men(75+) keep sending me these emails
TEXAS DEPUTY SHERIFF vs. NEW YORK LAWYER
Only in Texas my friends..Only in Texas .....Too bad...
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , TX . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.
The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'
'What for?' says the lawyer...
The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'
The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats..
Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the sh@# out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
Bless Texas .......
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Heh. I'm writing that guy in on the ballot, come November!
Friggin' hilarious Guys...
muscogeemike
Senior Airman
This one is going to make some people mad:
A puppet, a black guy, an illegal alien, a Muslim and a Socialist walk into a bar.
Bartender asks….
"What'll it be, Mr. President?"
A puppet, a black guy, an illegal alien, a Muslim and a Socialist walk into a bar.
Bartender asks….
"What'll it be, Mr. President?"
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Heh. Got that in an email recently, and have been debating posting it. I will say, though, that I got a darn good laugh out of it!
The Night Nurse
The more you think about this one, the funnier it gets. Short sweet, a good one.
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an
18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal
thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she
realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and
without missing a beat, she says:..........................
'Well, that's great....that's just great..........some arsehole's got my pen!'
The more you think about this one, the funnier it gets. Short sweet, a good one.
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an
18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal
thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she
realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and
without missing a beat, she says:..........................
'Well, that's great....that's just great..........some arsehole's got my pen!'
Good one Kevin!
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
muscogeemike
Senior Airman
Questions about Gov. Romney's religion and the latest news from the Vatican brought this old one to mind.
A Cardinal rushed into the Popes private chambers. "Your Eminence I have some good news and some bad news."
The Pope ask for the good news first, "Our Savior has returned and he is on the phone!" declared the Cardinal.
After hearing this the Pope asked "What news could possibly be bad?"
The Cardinal said "He is calling from Salt Lake City."
A Cardinal rushed into the Popes private chambers. "Your Eminence I have some good news and some bad news."
The Pope ask for the good news first, "Our Savior has returned and he is on the phone!" declared the Cardinal.
After hearing this the Pope asked "What news could possibly be bad?"
The Cardinal said "He is calling from Salt Lake City."
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic!
We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said.....
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Walmart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack.
Both tests came out positive!"
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic!
We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said.....
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Walmart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack.
Both tests came out positive!"
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
hehehe...
(bet you'll laugh next time you play this game!)
(bet you'll laugh next time you play this game!)
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