Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
I'm always guilty, least that's what all my friends say anyway.
Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)
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BikerBabe
Senior Master Sergeant
To the citizens of the United States of America
from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron , will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.
The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.
Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.
If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips.
Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.
Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.
Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football.
There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.
It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
Great! 
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Ouch!
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Recently the Pope took a few days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless hippie, reeking of marijuana and wearing sandals, shorts, a "Code Pink" hat and an "Occupy Wall Street" T-shirt with an "Obama 2012" pin on it, was screaming and thrashing around as he tried to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious hippie from the bear's grasp, then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck, while the third tenderly placed the injured hippie in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.
'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them.
'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Conservative American working men and Liberal Democrat hippies, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, 'Who was that guy?'
'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom.'
'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he sure don't know nothin' about bear huntin! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Seattle and get another one?'
A helpless hippie, reeking of marijuana and wearing sandals, shorts, a "Code Pink" hat and an "Occupy Wall Street" T-shirt with an "Obama 2012" pin on it, was screaming and thrashing around as he tried to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious hippie from the bear's grasp, then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck, while the third tenderly placed the injured hippie in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over.
'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them.
'I heard there was a bitter hatred between Conservative American working men and Liberal Democrat hippies, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, 'Who was that guy?'
'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom.'
'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he sure don't know nothin' about bear huntin! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Seattle and get another one?'
Two women are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.
They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then, the woman turns to the other and hands her a bill.
"Here's that $20 I owe you," she says.
They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then, the woman turns to the other and hands her a bill.
"Here's that $20 I owe you," she says.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Glider
Captain
Two Irishmen were drowning their sorrows in a bar
Paddy, what are we going to do, the country is bust, we don't have a job, this is my last beer, what can we do
Why cannot we be like the USA, they have money, the market is improving, they might even be self sufficient in oil in the near future, what can we do?
Patrick old son I have the perfect solution, never failed in recent history.
What do we do Paddy, what is this fool proof solution
We declare was on the USA, Patrick thats what we do
ARE YOU MAD, we don't stand a chance.
I know, we do what Hitler did. Declare war on the USA, lose and after we have lost they give up lots of money, give us ten years we will be an economic super power like Japan and Germany
Brilliant, Brilliant Paddy, but theres only one problem
Whats that Patrick
What if we win
Paddy, what are we going to do, the country is bust, we don't have a job, this is my last beer, what can we do
Why cannot we be like the USA, they have money, the market is improving, they might even be self sufficient in oil in the near future, what can we do?
Patrick old son I have the perfect solution, never failed in recent history.
What do we do Paddy, what is this fool proof solution
We declare was on the USA, Patrick thats what we do
ARE YOU MAD, we don't stand a chance.
I know, we do what Hitler did. Declare war on the USA, lose and after we have lost they give up lots of money, give us ten years we will be an economic super power like Japan and Germany
Brilliant, Brilliant Paddy, but theres only one problem
Whats that Patrick
What if we win
