Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Quotes and Jokes (7 Viewers)
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It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day.
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> The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".
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> The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD that Susie answered first.
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> The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before that Mary answered first.
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> The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy . You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD that Nancy answered first.
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> Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these b@tches would keep their mouths shut".
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> The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
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> Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"
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> The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question".
>
>
>
> The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD that Susie answered first.
>
>
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> The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before that Mary answered first.
>
>
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> The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy . You can go". Johnny was BOILING MAD that Nancy answered first.
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> Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these b@tches would keep their mouths shut".
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> The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
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> Johnny said, "TIGER WOODS! CAN I GO NOW?"
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Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
ToughOmbre
Senior Master Sergeant
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He
soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate
would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said,
"Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention
in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from
my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
Well," she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina
is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with
you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my girl friends call me Bubba!
Steve
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He
soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate
would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said,
"Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention
in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from
my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
Well," she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina
is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with
you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my girl friends call me Bubba!
Steve
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
The Burgler
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place into his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the flashlight back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so that he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Totally rattled, he shone his flashlight around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that"? He hissed at the parrot "Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you. " The burglar relaxed.
"Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are anyway?"
"Moses," replied the parrot.
"Moses," the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot "Moses?"
The parrot quickly answered, "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
What did you say?
A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.
The next day, when the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said with a hoarse voice, "Yes?" The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky manner, said, "You know."
The parrot and the chicken.
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example...
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming - then suddenly there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"
The auction.
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.
He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
Beware of the parrot!
This postman is working on a new beat. He comes to a garden gate marked BEWARE OF THE PARROT!
He looks down the garden and, sure enough, there's a parrot sitting on its perch.
He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch.
He opens the gate and walks into the garden.
He gets as far as the parrot's perch, when suddenly, it calls out: "REX, ATTACK!"
New Company.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place into his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the flashlight back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so that he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Totally rattled, he shone his flashlight around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that"? He hissed at the parrot "Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you. " The burglar relaxed.
"Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are anyway?"
"Moses," replied the parrot.
"Moses," the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot "Moses?"
The parrot quickly answered, "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
What did you say?
A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.
The next day, when the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said with a hoarse voice, "Yes?" The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky manner, said, "You know."
The parrot and the chicken.
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example...
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming - then suddenly there was quiet.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"
The auction.
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.
He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
Beware of the parrot!
This postman is working on a new beat. He comes to a garden gate marked BEWARE OF THE PARROT!
He looks down the garden and, sure enough, there's a parrot sitting on its perch.
He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch.
He opens the gate and walks into the garden.
He gets as far as the parrot's perch, when suddenly, it calls out: "REX, ATTACK!"
New Company.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
I think this must of been Terry after one to many one night
I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks........
I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked "Hey, are you two ladies from
Scotland?"
One of them screamed "It's WALES you IDIOT!"
So, I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from
Scotland?"
That's pretty much all I remember.....
I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks........
I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked "Hey, are you two ladies from
Scotland?"
One of them screamed "It's WALES you IDIOT!"
So, I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from
Scotland?"
That's pretty much all I remember.....
A Harley bikie is riding by a wildlife reserve in Canberra
when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's enclosure.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket
and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the
eyes of her screaming parents.
The bikie jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and
hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting
go of the girl, and the bikie brings her to her terrified
parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter
addressing the Harley bikie says, 'Sir, this was the most
gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole
life.'
The Harley bikie replies, 'Why, it was nothin' at all, really,
the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in
danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go
unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will
have this story on the front page... So, what do you
do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The bikie replies, 'I'm a Australian ex army veteran and a labour voter.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the bikie buys the paper to see
news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
AUSTRALIAN EX VET ASSAULTS AFRICAN
IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.
when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's enclosure.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket
and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the
eyes of her screaming parents.
The bikie jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and
hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting
go of the girl, and the bikie brings her to her terrified
parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter
addressing the Harley bikie says, 'Sir, this was the most
gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole
life.'
The Harley bikie replies, 'Why, it was nothin' at all, really,
the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in
danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go
unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will
have this story on the front page... So, what do you
do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The bikie replies, 'I'm a Australian ex army veteran and a labour voter.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the bikie buys the paper to see
news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
AUSTRALIAN EX VET ASSAULTS AFRICAN
IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
So you guys have the same problem we have over her.
Yep. F*cking Bullsh*t ain't it...
Typical media bullsh*t
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
@ Scottish whales!Frikkin media.
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
That ain't right.
Glider
Major
We were shopping this afternoon and I couldn't see my wife. As a man passed us pushing a trolly loaded to the top an assistant who thought I was looking for something, asked if she could help .
I replied saying that I couldn't find my wife, I seemed to have lost her. The guy stopped, looked at us both and simply said RESULT.
The three of us simply collapsed
I replied saying that I couldn't find my wife, I seemed to have lost her. The guy stopped, looked at us both and simply said RESULT.
The three of us simply collapsed
Lucky13
Forum Mascot
True! Innocent until proven guilty, or is it the other way around?
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