Your Funny, Humorous or Incredible Military Stories

[Matt308]

At the suggestion of CCheese, how about a thread that contains your humor in uniform stories. Stories of incredulity, shame, embarrassment, triumph at the expense of others or perhaps down right boorish behavior. Anything you got would make a good read.

My old man was posted in Okinawa as a Marine Sgt. For those not familiar with Okinawa in the mid-1950s, most everyone strung their laundry out to dry on clothes lines. Well, a local man took a liking to my dad, and invited him into his family for meals, tea... and entirely too much Saki. This gentlemen, whom dad just called Papa-san, liked my dad's company so much, that he let my dad use his motorized scooter. Well after a night of gambling and drinking, things got out of hand and the MPs arrived at the local club. My dad, the ever resourceful Marine, took it upon himself to jump on his newly acquired 50cc superbike, taunt the MPs with a one finger salute and began peddling to assist his quick get away. The MPs followed intent on correcting my dad's poor salute form. Dad realized that his powerful scooter must be defective and was not going to outrun the MP's jeep this night. So between houses he turns his racing scooter to instantly and irrevocably garote himself, Hollywood style, on a local's clothesline. Needless to say, he was informed of the proper salute technique.

 

[comiso90]

ouch.. Matt!

I remember a story my father told:

Operation Husky, the invasion of Sicily. My father and a couple of his buddies were entering a recently cleared Sicilian town. Garands in hand, they walked warily down the narrow streets. Some of the locals didnt seem to happy, they were afraid and didnt exactly embrace the Americans as liberators. Shutters were closed and children were whisked inside. My father and his cohorts decided to pause in the piazza to get a drink of water. Stopping at the village well, they heard an old Italian woman yelling at them and waving her arms.

"Whats up with her? We captured this damn town, we'll drink the water if we want to" my father thought.

Just as they were dipping a ladle into the bucket for a cool drink an Italian boy ran up. The boy was motioning to his throat as if he was cutting it and pointing down the well.

The old lady and the boy were trying to say that there were dead bodies in the well.

My dad never said if they got that nugget of information in time or not.


.

 

[DerAdlerIstGelandet]

No **** there I was...

Inverted slingload from an Apache. My Air Medals dangling in my face...



Okay I am sure I have a few good ones. I will think of them and post them here after the weekend.

 

[Matt308]

Look forward to that Adler. All of those who served have gems that need archiving. Me, I'm just a catalyst for you guys that served to write it down. My hat's off...

 

[eddie_brunette]

I remember doing "Garden Services" every Saturday when I was still doing basic training at 7th SAI. One of the C/O's passed us and I called everyone to attention and saluted on my spade, like you do when you carry your weapon. Needles to say that I spend the rest of the Saturday doing PT.

 

[A4K]

Eddie..

During my recruit course (I'm ex-RNZAF) we always hated the dreaded Officer inspections. Corporal inspections, it didn't matter so much, you could hear the corporals tipping your stuff out on your bed, and saying "what's all this, Matthews?! what a bloody disgrace!!" etc while you just stood to attention, and said through gritted teeth "No excuse, Corporal!". But officers... If ANYthing was out of place, or you missed a microscopic speck of dust -proper balls out in fromt of the whole dorm, and inspection duties for a week.. you could cut the tnsion with a knife at times.
There was ome time where my mate 'Stumpy' was having his area inspected, when the active officer yelled "And WHAT the hell is this?? What does your bedpack look like???!!" (Bedpack's being the blankets and pillow being precisely folded to form almost a 'box'). My mate looked, and said "I think it rather resembles a limp penis, Sir!"- man, we just split! the officer enjoyed it too I think, because he just muttered through a face he was trying to keep straight "Just don't do it again, cadet!" and left!

 

[evangilder]

During one of the weekend warrior exercises in the UK, I can't remember if it was Reforger, or something like that, they brought a boatload of Reservists over to the UK, effectively tripling the American presence in the UK. Keep in mind this was the mid 80s, and there were a LOT of us already there. There were Reservists in tents everywhere.

So we were doing our normal duty at the time, fixing radios and intrusion detection sensors out on the flightline. It was dusk, so difficult to see. As we walked up to a TAB-V (hardened aircraft shelter), we heard this "HALT!". I looked to see this greenie in a foxhole pointing an empty M-16 at us. You coould see he had no clip. My buddy looked him square in the eye and said "F*ck you" and we kept walking. The guy kept saying halt, and it got weaker and weaker as we walked.

During that same exercise, some dumb Army Reservist didn't strap the load down properly in the Deuce and a half. Apparently, an entire case of mortars fell off the back of the truck. They stayed intact, as did the box, fortunately. Some samaritan motorist, not knowing what it was, picked up the box, put it in his car and took it to the local constabulary. The station was evacuated as soon as the box hit the counter top.

EOD came to check things out. The grabbed the box, picked it up, put it in their truck and drove off, past a bewildered group of locals.

 

[Konigstiger205]

Great stories guys...keep them coming!

 

[lesofprimus]

I dont even know where to begin....

How about this meatball Master at Arms, sitting around in Somolia, thinkin he was all GI Joe, who decides he's gonna show off to us Tridents and shot himself in the foot, tryin some Clint Eastwood spin-o-rama with his sidearm....

We laughed and laughed about that...

 

[FLYBOYJ]

At a VJ day party (Sometime in the latter part of 1945) my dad and uncle wired a radio with an independent amplifier and hid the microphone in another room. As people gathered for this party my uncle slipped into that adjoining room and made a fake but very convincing news broadcast saying that the Japanese have re-engaged US forces and the war was on again. Everyone freaked, one returning GI threatened to jump out a 3rd floor window.

As everyone was calmed down and convinced not to kill my uncle, everyone did have a good laugh over the whole thing saying how convincing my uncle was. Some of his friends started calling him "Orson Wells."

 

[twoeagles]

My second solo in the old T-34B at NAS Whiting (VT-2) I heard and felt a bad vibration that increased with airspeed and RPM. I was sure my engine was the problem although the instruments said she was fine, but the noise was awful and I could feel the vibration in the fuselage. I called MAYDAY and got immediate clear to land. The fire trucks were already racing to the runway as I flared, and in my rearview mirror I saw, to my horror and embarrassment, a peice of the rear cockpit harness caught outside the canopy where it was smacking against the side of the aircraft. The single most important thing in a young Naval Aviator's life is not to look stupid. And I already failed that!!!

 

[timshatz]

Heard this one about ten years back. Not military, but still good.

Radio conversation at an airport:

Student Pilot: "Tower, this is a student pilot. I'm in Cessna 63D and I'm running out of gas."
Tower: "Student Pilot in Cessna 63D this is the Tower, Stay calm, We've got you. Can you tell me where you are?"
Student Pilot: "Yeah, I'm parked on the Ramp, can you run over a fuel truck or something."

 

[mkloby]

My second solo in the old T-34B at NAS Whiting (VT-2) I heard and felt a bad vibration that increased with airspeed and RPM. I was sure my engine was the problem although the instruments said she was fine, but the noise was awful and I could feel the vibration in the fuselage. I called MAYDAY and got immediate clear to land. The fire trucks were already racing to the runway as I flared, and in my rearview mirror I saw, to my horror and embarrassment, a peice of the rear cockpit harness caught outside the canopy where it was smacking against the side of the aircraft. The single most important thing in a young Naval Aviator's life is not to look stupid. And I already failed that!!!

SWEET!!! I checked the rear canopy about 15 times before I strapped in!

 

[pbfoot]

I don't know if this is myth or fact but on a ship in RCN prior to inspection a Bosun put some peanut butter on the toilet seat , the officer came in seen the paenut butter and asked wtf is that , the Bosun put his finger in the peanut butter and tasted and promptly replied that it tasted like S==t

 

[Matt308]

I'm snorting here guys... These are great!!!

 

[Matt308]

Where are you Charles, you crusty ole bastard, you made me start this thread!

 

[evangilder]

Whether true or not, I heard this during the cold war. An F-4 scrambled to intercept a Russian Bear bomber. As the two flew closely together, one of the Bear crewman flashed up a Russian pinup girl, described as chubby and pasty. The Russian says over the radio "This is most beautiful woman in Soviet Union". The back seater in the F-4 pulls out a Playboy, flashes up the centerfold and replies "This is the ugliest woman in America, perhaps you defect, comrade".

Like I said, I can't verify it's authenticity, but I laughed my azz off when I heard it.

 

[A4K]

Great stuff guys!

 

[wilbur1]

Thats a great one eric i freakin laughed so hard im now wiping down my screen

 

[ccheese]

Where are you Charles, you crusty ole bastard, you made me start this thread!

I hear you Matt…. Unfortunately, all of us with stories to tell, also remember the
ones that are not funny, some are deadly serious.

I was attached to the 1950th AACS (Airways Aircraft Communications System)
at Whellus AFB, in Tripoli, Libya 1954-1955 when I had exchange duty with the
USAF. Unfortunately I don't remember the date, but I think it was in February
of 1955. I manage to get seven days leave, and decided to spend it in Italy, just
a few hours flying time away. Hops were always going that way, so I managed
to get a hop on a C-47 cargo plane going to NAF Sigonnela, Sicily.

This C-47 did not have seating like a passenger plane, there were rack type seats
down each side of the plane, with cargo stashed in the center "aisle". I was
sitting just aft of the double cargo doors on the starboard side, right next
to a Marine LCpl named Danny Mannus, from Tuscaloosa, Alabama. He was
returning to Italy from a holiday of scuba diving in the waters around Tripoli.

When we got to the airspace around NAF Sigonella, there was a problem on the
ground, so we were told to orbit in a designated area near the field. Clouds were
low and visibility limited.

First sign of trouble I realized the pilot had firewalled the throttles and had the
yoke in his belly. We still hit the mountain just outside of Sigonella. The fuselage
broke in half at the cargo doors and me the the Marine were ejected, even tho
we had seat belts on, in preparation for landing. There were fourteen people on
the plane, including the crew. Ten were killed in the crash. The marine didn't
get a scratch….. I broke both ankles. .

When the rescue people got up there LCpl Mannus had everyone out of the
airplane, the dead on one side of the plane laying in the snow, the living
altho injured on the other side. He had pulled everyone out of the wreckage,
and did what he could for the living. He had packed my ankles in snow to
keep the swelling down and to ease the pain

In my mind the "crash" was not that violent. I think we were in a climb, and
kinda pancaked on the hillside. There was very little fire, but the cargo
broke loose and went toward the left side of the plane were all the killed were sitting.

I had the extreme pleasure of watching Vice Admiral Christman pin the Navy
and Marine Corps Medal on LCpl Danny Mannus for his lifesaving efforts.

It's been over fifty years ago, but I will never forget a young Marine……
Danny Mannus of Tuscaloosa, Alabama.

Charles