Your Funny, Humorous or Incredible Military Stories

[Messy1]

When my dad would get approached by ensigns who thought they were better than you, or gave my dad an attitude, he said he quite often would "innocently" give them the wrong directions on how to get around ship, often sending them the to the wrong end of the ship.
Even though the Ranger is a small carrier by today's standards, there was still plenty of ship to get lost in!

 

[Corsair82pilot]

I was flying the F-4E out of George AFB in Victorville, CA. One day I went up to the Tonopah area at Nellis. The rules of engagement (ROE) there were (are?) you could jump any other aircraft. If he wanted to play, fight's on. I saw this F-86 flying low and slow, so I jumped him. I figured I'd kick his butt real good. We took it higher and when we started to turn, he was all over me. My F-4 needed to do about 420 kts to turn at high G and maintain energy. The F-86 was turning at about 250 kts. No way I could turn inside him. I could have unloaded and hit burners and got out of there. I could have gone about ten miles and turned back to shoot him in the lips with an Aim-7, but I wanted to turn. He got me to fight his fight. He kicked my ass all day long.
On the ground at Nellis we met while refueling. The guy is a test pilot from Edwards and has about 2,000,000 hours in fighters.

I learned a lot that day.

 

[FLYBOYJ]

I was flying the F-4E out of George AFB in Victorville, CA. One day I went up to the Tonopah area at Nellis. The rules of engagement (ROE) there were (are?) you could jump any other aircraft. If he wanted to play, fight's on. I saw this F-86 flying low and slow, so I jumped him. I figured I'd kick his butt real good. We took it higher and when we started to turn, he was all over me. My F-4 needed to do about 420 kts to turn at high G and maintain energy. The F-86 was turning at about 250 kts. No way I could turn inside him. I could have unloaded and hit burners and got out of there. I could have gone about ten miles and turned back to shoot him in the lips with an Aim-7, but I wanted to turn. He got me to fight his fight. He kicked my ass all day long.
On the ground at Nellis we met while refueling. The guy is a test pilot from Edwards and has about 2,000,000 hours in fighters.

I learned a lot that day.

What years were you out at George?

 

[Corsair82pilot]

What years were you out at George?

I was there in '84 for RTU. Then on to Moody. Did you fly 'Ol Double Ugly?

 

[Bill G.]

The Hug Heard 1/3 of the Way Around The World!

This is my best story of my deployment with my National Guard Signal Company.

It was early November, 2003. My 15 day leave started as it should. A flight to Kuwait. On the flight to Baltimore, MD, we stopped in Germany to refuel. I went outside to see Germany again. I had been stationed in West Germany from 1980 to 1983. I saw this one Army female that didn't seem to have the going home attitude. So we started talking. Anyways, she wasn't too sure about her welcome home. Well, I hugged her and told her that she wasn't going home unhugged. That seemed to help.

Once I got to Baltimore, we had to go down a receiving line of senior officers and NCOs. They were there to thank us. Fine. What ever it takes to get home, I'll do. The last two were Chaplains. The first was a huge male Col. He had the build of a linebacker for American football. The second was a tiny female Lt. Col. I shook the COLs hand. Then I bent down to shake the female's hand. I am 6' 4" tall. Instead of shaking my hand, she put her arms around me and hugged me. I don't know why, I put my arms around her and stood up lifting her a foot off the floor! She giggled and the COL shot my a look! OOPS! I quickly put her down and left. Nothing was said!

The leave went well. I had quite a few one use cameras that I had developed. Once I had the pictures back, I called my First Sergeant's wife so I could show her. I have a ton of respect for TOP, and wanted to show her that he is fine.

She came to the house to meet with me. I showed her the pictures. She liked that. At the end of the visit, she said she had something to give me to take back to TOP. Well, dummy me, I thought she was going to dig something out of her big purse. WRONG! When I got over to her, she stood up and gave me a big hug. Then she told me to give that to TOP when I saw him.

I explained that we weren't on the same base in Iraq. I wasn't sure when I would see TOP next. She wasn't put off. She just said to do my best.

On my way back to Iraq, I kind of put that out of my mind.

Back at Baltimore, I met the female I had hugged in Germany. She smiled very brightly when she saw me. We had a very nice visit.

The rest of the return trip went very well. And a wild landing back at BIAP (Baghdad International Air Port) were the team I was part of was posted. Anyways, I got a ride back to the house where we were quartered.

As I got to the door, one of the Sergeants on the team met me and welcomed me back. My first words to him where, "Do you know where TOP is?"

He said, "He is in the living room, Why?"

I just said, "Good!"

I went to my bedroom and tossed my duffle bag and back pack in. Then I walked into the living room. Yep, there he was sitting and watching a movie with the rest of the team and a few other guests.

I walked up to the side of his chair in the center of the room. I said, "First Sergeant, stand up."

He gave me the look you would expect of a First Sergeant hearing something that sounded like an "order" from a mere Sergeant. The others in the room kind of looked at me for a moment.

I spread my feet. I put my fists on my hips and said, "First Sergeant, you heard me, STAND UP!"

Now everyone in the room is looking at me. TOP, now gets out of his chair and squares up to me. Before he can say anything, I put my arms around him and give him a big hug. And I quietly say in his ear, "This is from your wife, Judy!". This bear of a First Sergeant about melts in my arms.

The rest of the room not hearing what I just said, about has their jaws dropping to the floor at the site!

I am sure that the next morning TOP e-mailed his wife asking something to the effect of "what the heck are you doing to my Soldiers back there?" And I am sure that Judy upon reading that knew what I had done and probably gave a fist pump and said "YES!"

We still talk about this event. It is one of our fondest memories. And after we got back from Iraq at a Company fun day, she said she should have kissed me and given my some tongue! All I can think of is "OH GAWD!"

And the female I hugged in Germany, I am still in touch with from time to time.

Bill G.

 

[pbfoot]

It was a cold and frosty as me and a few mates stumbled out of the USAF site lounge better known as the MAC club in the Goose , the cold hit and the urge to relieve ourselves manifested itself. Well the closest place we could use with some modesty was the side of a "empty" USAF staff car , well the deed was done . No sooner then we had finished then the window rolled down demanding to know what we had done and to who.
Not curious to find out who we displayed ourselves to we turned as one and booked it out of there . Now one would think this was the end of it but it wasn't. This 2 star in the car had the driver go into the club find out who had just left by using the guest book ,he then reported the incident to the powers to be in Washington who referred the incident to the Military attache who reported to Ottawa . Needless to say the crap fell from great heights . Out of the 5 of us 4 including myself were charged with conduct unbecoming and the 5th was charged public nudity .
I think the General was just jealous of the equipment displayed

 

[Matt308]

Great stories, guys. Absolutely great.

 

[Vassili Zaitzev]

Okay, with permission from Matt, here's one of my grandfather's stories, when he was a police officer.

He told me of a gang, I think it was "The 75th street gang", but all the cops called them, "The gang that couldn't shoot straight." One of members was a hitman, who had a target to kill. Problem was, he killed his target while he was still driving the car they were in. The car crashed, knocking the hitman out. When the police got there, they found the hitman KO'd, the gun still in his hand, and the driver with a bullet in his head. He later got out of jail after ratting out some of his fellow gang members, then went into witness protection.

 

[Bill G.]

When I was in the Air Force at Griffiss AFB, Rome, NY, the 416 Bomb Wing was just starting their big Operational Readiness Inspection. This was the big test for the wing. I was in the 2019 Communication Squadron, not SAC. But I had equipment in the Wing Command Post. So once this kicked off, we just laid low and stayed out of the way.

The door buzzer buzzed and it was a "Ramp Rat" Security Policeman is full battle rattle. He asked for the keys to the generator A/C area and the access list. This was normal so we did it. Yea, they would guard the generator, but not our work center which was a Top Secret area! Go figure!

So back to laying low!

The hatch that connected the Command Post to my shop opened. A Controller asked if I could smell smoke? I sniffed the A/C vent and just could a bit. Then the controller told me good. And that the fire department had been called.

So I go out to check the A/C room. But first I have to get the key back from the Guard. And even though I had just given him the key 10 minutes earlier, I had to give him my ID Card so he could check it against his list! I was on the list. I took the keys, unlocked the gate and the A/C room. It was squeaking like normal. So I locked everything up and gave the key back to the Guard. I also saw the big fire trucks coming up SAC Hill.

Now back to hiding!

The door buzzer again.

Now it is the Deputy Base Fire Marshal. And he wants in. He is NOT on our access list. Neither of us have escort privilege. So I tell him to wait. And he ain't too happy! I call my Squadron Security Officer who is in now and explain what is going on. He grants my one time escort privilege. BUT first we have to cover the cryptographic equipment.

So we did around and quickly find something that will work and cover the equipment. I sign him in. BUT he can NOT bring in his brick radio. That doesn't make him happy, but he leaves it outside.

It takes him about a minute to see that nothing is wrong inside. So he goes out and I sign him out. He picks up his radio. I follow him to the outside door. I watch as he goes over to the Guard and asks for the key to go inside. The Guard checks his list and guess what. The Deputy Fire Marshal's name isn't on the list. And a debate starts over his getting in!

I closed the door and when back to hiding! It worked for the rest of the shift!!

We later guessed that the smoke smell came from a smoke grenade that drifted over to the A/C room and got sucked inside!

A few days later we got an ATTA BOY from the Squadron for how we handled this. There was no written procedure for all this. I was told that we handled this exactly as we should have.

I still wonder how the debate went between the Deputy Fire Marshal and the Guard! But I know that I had already be forgotten! Bigger fish to fry!

Bill G.

 

[Matt308]

But I gotta see the Fire Marshall's perspective. He has responsibility too. Man I bet that the SOP changed in a real hurry after that one.

 

[Vassili Zaitzev]

Funny Bill, how long were you in the Air Force?

 

[Bill G.]

Vassilli Zaitzev:

I was in the Active US Air Force from November 1971 to September 1984. I was a computer repairman. I was stationed at Griffiss AFB, Grissom AFB, Pruem AS West Germany, and Ellsworth AFB.

I will share more stories from my Air Force and MI Army National Guard Days from time to time.

Bill G.

 

[Vassili Zaitzev]

Cool, thanks for sharing Bill. I'm going to my grandparents tommorow for dinner. I'll ask him to tell me a few more cop stories.

 

[Bill G.]

Matt:

I know the Deputy Base Fire Marshall was just doing his job under the pressure of the BIG inspection. But my shop had VERY strict access rules that must be followed! So as any good story goes there was the conflict of the immovable object and the irresistible force.

I had another time when the new Wing Commander, a senior Col. buzzed the door one Saturday. He was just wandering around his new command and saw our pretty bright red door. And wondered what was behind it.

I had to tell him that I knew who he was and that I could not allow him to enter. The lack of escort thing again! I offered to call someone in that had the authority.

It was an interesting, tense, but polite conversation. I wouldn't let him in. So he left and went to the Wing Command Post. I am pretty certain he called my Squadron Commander complaining that I wouldn't let him in! I will bet that for a bit my CO couldn't get more than a "Yes Sir" "No Sir" in until the Wing CO had his say. Then I think my CO said Something like, "Good, I am glad they didn't let you in. If they had, I would be up there as quick as I can to chew some A$$!"

Anyways, back to what I am certain of. We had completed shift change. I was next to the Command Post hatch reading the base daily bulletin. Nothing exciting until the hatch suddenly opens and the Wing CO sticks his head through! He asks if I was one that he talked to. I said, "Yes Sir!" He stated that he was wrong. And that he should have known that I was just following orders. He asked me to extend his apology to the others in the shop and pulled in his head and closed the hatch!

I stood there stunned!

And about a week later, the Wing CO and the Base CO had their names added to our access list. I doubt they ever showed up.

Bill G.

 

[Matt308]

Good one.

 

[Soundbreaker Welch?]

Mad ol' colonel.

 

[RabidAlien]

I was there in '84 for RTU. Then on to Moody. Did you fly 'Ol Double Ugly?

My Dad retired from Moody in '91....we moved there in probably '83 or '84! He worked in the hospital on base, was the NCOIC of the lab. If you ever had blood drawn and don't remember the needle at all, it was probably drawn by Sgt Lowry.

I graduated HS in '92, and went into the Navy afterwards....only to find out that Moody was converting into an A-10 base! Dangit....I love that bird!

 

[fly boy]

ok someone tell me if i posted this on pearl harbor a p-39 or p-36 i can't remember got two kills ....in a tux!

 

[timshatz]

Not a P39, maybe a P36. There were a few of them up. And I don't know about a tux. Might've been in his bed clothes. At least one guy who flew a P36 was woken up by the attack.

 

[fly boy]

yeah he had tux pants and a dress shirt