can we say Idiot !

Discussion in 'OFF-Topic / Misc.' started by Erich, Oct 14, 2010.

  1. Erich

    Erich the old Sage
    Staff Member Moderator

    Joined:
    May 20, 2004
    Messages:
    13,090
    Likes Received:
    15
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Location:
    Platonic Sphere
    if read before ignore.............

    what a chump

    ONLY A MAN
    WOULD ATTEMPT THIS


    Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!


    Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

    A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

    The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

    AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

    Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

    The directions said that:

    a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

    a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

    a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.


    Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through te side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note:
    If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
    one note of caution:

    There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
    A three second burst would be considered conservative!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

    * My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
    * The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
    * My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
    * My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
    * I had no control over the drooling.
    * Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
    * I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

    I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

    PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
     
  2. vikingBerserker

    vikingBerserker Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2009
    Messages:
    24,093
    Likes Received:
    657
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Occupation:
    Korporate Kontrolleur
    Location:
    South Carolina
  3. Gnomey

    Gnomey World Travelling Doctor
    Staff Member Moderator

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2004
    Messages:
    41,800
    Likes Received:
    519
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Doctor
    Location:
    Portsmouth / Royal Deeside, UK
    Home Page:
  4. badbear

    badbear Member

    Joined:
    Dec 9, 2008
    Messages:
    637
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    16
    Nearly wet my self laughing so much:lol::lol::lol::lol:BB
     
  5. bobbysocks

    bobbysocks Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2010
    Messages:
    3,811
    Likes Received:
    181
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    pretty good. lmao
     
  6. Matt308

    Matt308 Glock Perfection
    Staff Member Moderator

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2005
    Messages:
    20,140
    Likes Received:
    54
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Occupation:
    Engineer
    Location:
    Washington State
    I made it to "a three second burst..." and then lost it. :lol:
     
  7. mikewint

    mikewint Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2010
    Messages:
    5,690
    Likes Received:
    432
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Retired and living on the dole
    Location:
    Lakeview, AR
    Erich, it was one of those things you saw coming from way off and just knew what the poor guy was going to do. so:
    ROTFLMAO :laughing3::laughing2::laughing1:
    reminds me of people trying to grab and remove someone from a power line or lining up to rescue someone at the bottom of a well
     
  8. Wildcat

    Wildcat Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2005
    Messages:
    8,859
    Likes Received:
    376
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Workin' for the man....
    Location:
    South East Queensland
  9. BikerBabe

    BikerBabe Active Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2009
    Messages:
    3,291
    Likes Received:
    24
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Occupation:
    Yes, got one.
    Location:
    Denmark.
    Home Page:
    ...as one of my exes would put it:
    Wha' a fookin' eejit! :lol:
     
  10. Smoke

    Smoke Member

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2008
    Messages:
    437
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    16
    What's funny about this is that I can easily see myself doing the same thing.

    Even after reading this!
     
  11. RabidAlien

    RabidAlien Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2008
    Messages:
    6,592
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Occupation:
    IT
    Location:
    Hurst, Texas
  12. Crimea_River

    Crimea_River Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Nov 16, 2008
    Messages:
    25,205
    Likes Received:
    966
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Location:
    Calgary
    Good thing he didn't try it a foot higher.......
     
  13. Matt308

    Matt308 Glock Perfection
    Staff Member Moderator

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2005
    Messages:
    20,140
    Likes Received:
    54
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Occupation:
    Engineer
    Location:
    Washington State
    It is a guy thing, isn't it.
     
  14. Aaron Brooks Wolters

    Aaron Brooks Wolters Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2007
    Messages:
    15,723
    Likes Received:
    339
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Auto Restoration
    Location:
    Abingdon, VA.
    No matter how many times I read it I still laugh till I cry.:laughing3:
     
  15. Wayne Little

    Wayne Little Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2006
    Messages:
    51,215
    Likes Received:
    849
    Trophy Points:
    113
    Location:
    Adelaide Sth. Aust.
  16. Vassili Zaitzev

    Vassili Zaitzev Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Nov 25, 2005
    Messages:
    3,099
    Likes Received:
    28
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Occupation:
    Substitute teacher; graduate student
    Location:
    Connecticut, United States
Loading...

Share This Page