Maestro
Master Sergeant
loomaluftwaffe said:
OMFG ! I like that video...
Quokes/Jotes... Continued! 2!
- Thread starter Pisis
- Start date
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OMFG ! I like that video...
the lancaster kicks ass
Major General
- 19,937
- Dec 20, 2003
yeah very ammusing.......
- Thread starter
- #463
Pisis
2nd Lieutenant
Well, not while smoking a cigarette though...Wurger said:why? Haven't you tried it yet.
That would be sick... Though I often **** when Im high... 8)
evangilder
"Shooter"
Forwarded to me via e-mail.
European Alert Levels
The British have reacted to the recent terrorism alerts by raising their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its error alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday, as is customary, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
European Alert Levels
The British have reacted to the recent terrorism alerts by raising their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its error alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday, as is customary, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
the lancaster kicks ass
Major General
- 19,937
- Dec 20, 2003
i love it
Matt308
Glock Perfection
I love the alert levels. Beauty. Here's one for the redneck joke fans:
Bubba and Billy Joe were walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each!, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each. Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a
whole gob of these, take 'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and
make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think wez ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know wez from Alabama."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama, ain't ya?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba.."How come you knowed that?"
"Cause this is a dry-cleaners."
Bubba and Billy Joe were walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each!, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each. Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a
whole gob of these, take 'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and
make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think wez ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know wez from Alabama."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama, ain't ya?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba.."How come you knowed that?"
"Cause this is a dry-cleaners."
evangilder
"Shooter"
LOL!
Good ones.
loomaluftwaffe
Tech Sergeant
- 1,840
- Dec 20, 2005
good ones 
Simple lesson in how to speak "gooder" Irish.
Repeat the following four lines, getting faster each time.
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED.
Outstanding, now you can speak the language that invented Guinness and bagpipes.
1/4 Kiwi, 1/4 irish, 1/2 FREE. And happy with that.
Repeat the following four lines, getting faster each time.
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED.
Outstanding, now you can speak the language that invented Guinness and bagpipes.
1/4 Kiwi, 1/4 irish, 1/2 FREE. And happy with that.
Matt308
Glock Perfection
Moron humor. I love it.
loomaluftwaffe
Tech Sergeant
- 1,840
- Dec 20, 2005
lol! Windows 37
Dog Joke time.
Down here (New Zealand) we have an interesting past time called Pig Hunting. You take some mates, some narly dogs, and a few knives into the bush. After some hours the dogs scent, chase and bail up a wild pig. Your job is to avoid the dogs, tusks, hooves, and get the pig on its back and slit its throat.
Then you can carry the pig out of the bush, between 200 to 350 pounds worth.
See, we know how to have fun. But damn the meat tastes GOOD.
The joke.....
Small country pub after a days hunting, a stranger walks in and says "I have the meanest pig dog around."
In short order the bets are made, a ring of cars are out back, and the first dog is in. The stranger throws in his 16 stone Rottwieler cross and very soon is sitting back at the bar drinking his winnings.
Later, a weedy little Gay from Auckland walks into the bar, stunned silence ensues.
In a squeeky voice he asks "Who owns the big doggy out there?"
"I do, so what fag." states the big bruiser.
"My dog just killed it"
"What sort of dog you got, that can kill my 16 stone pig dog boy?"
"Chihuahua"
"How the h@ll did your chihuahua kill my 16 stone pig dog"
"Got stuck in his throat."
And talking of hunting....
Hunting for elephants.
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate excercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an excercise for their graduate students.
Physicists hunt elephants by treating the elephant as a unstable W-Z particle and spend a fortune developing a Particle Accelerator large enough to detect one when a hippo and Rhino collide.
Computer Scientists hunt elephants by excercising Algorithm A:
Go to Africa.
Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
During each traverse pass,
Catch each animal seen.
Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching grey animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
Statisticians hunt the 1st animal they see N times call it an elephant.
Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
Vice Presidents of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them grey, and sell them as desktop elephants.
Down here (New Zealand) we have an interesting past time called Pig Hunting. You take some mates, some narly dogs, and a few knives into the bush. After some hours the dogs scent, chase and bail up a wild pig. Your job is to avoid the dogs, tusks, hooves, and get the pig on its back and slit its throat.
Then you can carry the pig out of the bush, between 200 to 350 pounds worth.
See, we know how to have fun.
But damn the meat tastes GOOD.The joke.....
Small country pub after a days hunting, a stranger walks in and says "I have the meanest pig dog around."
In short order the bets are made, a ring of cars are out back, and the first dog is in. The stranger throws in his 16 stone Rottwieler cross and very soon is sitting back at the bar drinking his winnings.
Later, a weedy little Gay from Auckland walks into the bar, stunned silence ensues.
In a squeeky voice he asks "Who owns the big doggy out there?"
"I do, so what fag." states the big bruiser.
"My dog just killed it"
"What sort of dog you got, that can kill my 16 stone pig dog boy?"
"Chihuahua"
"How the h@ll did your chihuahua kill my 16 stone pig dog"
"Got stuck in his throat."
And talking of hunting....
Hunting for elephants.
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate excercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an excercise for their graduate students.
Physicists hunt elephants by treating the elephant as a unstable W-Z particle and spend a fortune developing a Particle Accelerator large enough to detect one when a hippo and Rhino collide.
Computer Scientists hunt elephants by excercising Algorithm A:
Go to Africa.
Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
During each traverse pass,
Catch each animal seen.
Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching grey animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
Statisticians hunt the 1st animal they see N times call it an elephant.
Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
Vice Presidents of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them grey, and sell them as desktop elephants.
loomaluftwaffe
Tech Sergeant
- 1,840
- Dec 20, 2005
from the creators of the cyanide and happiness cartoons
comes another flash video
Why we shouldn't litter
editted to fix broken link
Matt308
Glock Perfection
> > A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United
> >States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
>
> > Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me
> >housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!"
> >
> > The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".
> >
> > The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for
> >having such a beautiful country here in America!"
> >
> > The person says, "I no American, I Vietnamese."
> >
> > The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
> >shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!"
> >
> > That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am
> >not an American!"
> >
> > He finally sees a nice lady and asks "Are you an American?"
> >
> > She says, "No, I am from Russia!"
> >
> > Puzzled he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
> >
> > The Russian lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!"
> >States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
>
> > Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me
> >housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!"
> >
> > The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".
> >
> > The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for
> >having such a beautiful country here in America!"
> >
> > The person says, "I no American, I Vietnamese."
> >
> > The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
> >shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!"
> >
> > That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am
> >not an American!"
> >
> > He finally sees a nice lady and asks "Are you an American?"
> >
> > She says, "No, I am from Russia!"
> >
> > Puzzled he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
> >
> > The Russian lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!"
evangilder
"Shooter"
Ouch! Great one Matt!
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