RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)
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Well... thats a mouthful...
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A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW out the car sales room . Taking off down the motor-way , he floored it to 90 , enjoying the wind blowing through . Amazing he thought as he flew down the Motor Way , looking in his rear view mirror , he saw a police car behind him , blue light flashing , siren blaring .
'' I can get away from him - no problem ! '' He floored it to 130 , then 140 ...then 150 ...
Suddenly , he thought , '' What on earth am I doing ? I'm too old for this nonsense ! '' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .
Pulling in behind him , the officer walked up to the drivers side of the BMW , looked at his watch and said , ''Sir , my shift ends in ten minutes , Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend , If you can give me a reason I've never heard before for why you were speeding , I'll let you go ''
The Man looked very seriously at the police man , and replied , '' Years ago , my wife ran off with a policeman , I thought you were bringing her back , ''
''Have a good day , Sir , '' .
'' I can get away from him - no problem ! '' He floored it to 130 , then 140 ...then 150 ...
Suddenly , he thought , '' What on earth am I doing ? I'm too old for this nonsense ! '' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .
Pulling in behind him , the officer walked up to the drivers side of the BMW , looked at his watch and said , ''Sir , my shift ends in ten minutes , Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend , If you can give me a reason I've never heard before for why you were speeding , I'll let you go ''
The Man looked very seriously at the police man , and replied , '' Years ago , my wife ran off with a policeman , I thought you were bringing her back , ''
''Have a good day , Sir , '' .
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
...
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
That's funny!!!!!!!!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd..
The Madame Speaker and The Pope, however, have seen it all before.
To make it a little more interesting, Madame Speaker says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do...
"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make many people in the crowd, and many around the world, go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
Pelosi seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and so many people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
The Madame Speaker and The Pope, however, have seen it all before.
To make it a little more interesting, Madame Speaker says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do...
"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make many people in the crowd, and many around the world, go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
Pelosi seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and so many people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
(email from my brother, stationed in Italy with the US Army)
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to police the area.
I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.
My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Kathy, Dirty Magazines means the clips from their rifles had not been properly cleaned."
Having passed the enlistment physical, John was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, sir."
This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
*
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.
*
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
*
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
*
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
*
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
*
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
The US succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: "Attack or retreat?"
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: "Yes."
The generals look at each other, bewildered. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: "Yes what?"
Instantly the computer responded: "Yes sir."
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to police the area.
I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.
My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Kathy, Dirty Magazines means the clips from their rifles had not been properly cleaned."
Having passed the enlistment physical, John was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, sir."
This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
*
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.
*
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
*
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
*
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
*
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
*
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
The US succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: "Attack or retreat?"
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: "Yes."
The generals look at each other, bewildered. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: "Yes what?"
Instantly the computer responded: "Yes sir."
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Jose and Carlos are beggars. They beg in different areas of town.
Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about $8.00 or $9.00 a day. Jose bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day, he drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend.
"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlos' sign reads; "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support." "What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.
"No wonder you only get $8.00 or $9.00 a day!"
Carlos says, "Alright, what does your sign say?"
It reads, "I only need another ten dollars to get back to Mexico."
Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about $8.00 or $9.00 a day. Jose bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day, he drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend.
"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlos' sign reads; "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support." "What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.
"No wonder you only get $8.00 or $9.00 a day!"
Carlos says, "Alright, what does your sign say?"
It reads, "I only need another ten dollars to get back to Mexico."
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and
left the shop..
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the
shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and
left the shop..
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the
shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
A contestant Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the
Final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected, the Million Dollar Question was no pushover.
It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest
But instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer.
She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All
That remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.
She hoped she would not have to use it because........ Her friend was, well,
A blonde.
But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question
And the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:
'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo..'
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.
She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her.
And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such
Certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'
'Is that your final answer?'
'Yes, that is my final answer.'
'That answer is Absolutely correct!
You are now a millionaire!'
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the contestant. 'How did
You happen to know the right answer?'
'Oh, come on,' said the blonde 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'
Sally fainted!
Final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win
$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected, the Million Dollar Question was no pushover.
It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest
But instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer.
She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All
That remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.
She hoped she would not have to use it because........ Her friend was, well,
A blonde.
But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question
And the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:
'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo..'
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.
She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her.
And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such
Certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'
'Is that your final answer?'
'Yes, that is my final answer.'
'That answer is Absolutely correct!
You are now a millionaire!'
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the contestant. 'How did
You happen to know the right answer?'
'Oh, come on,' said the blonde 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'
Sally fainted!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki
Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought........ But you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS........ .............. But I was wrong, too!"
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki
Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought........ But you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS........ .............. But I was wrong, too!"
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO!
wheelsup_cavu
1st Sergeant
Several gems in there RA. 
Wheels
Wheels
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
B-17engineer
Colonel
