Quotes and Jokes

Okay, you've heard of Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Well, there are many other related Laws. Here are some:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
--Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair

Identical parts aren't.
--Beach's Law

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner.
--Anthony's Law of the Workshop

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
--Tussman's Law

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
--Lowery's Law

The solution to a problem changes the problem.
--Peer's Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
--William's Law

Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.
2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

Machines should work. People should think.
--IBM's Pollyanna Principle:

The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - management.
--The Dilbert Principle

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
--Ehrlich's Law

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
--Ralph's Observation

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
--Cannon's Comment

Thinly sliced cabbage.
--Cole's Law



today'sTHOT============================

He who sees only half the problem will be buried by the other half.

Love the Dilbert Principle....explains a lot!!!

RA, I see you found Murphy's website.
http://www.murphys-laws.com/

Heh...this one was actually from an email, but that's a great site, too!

An other law you can add to this list :

If you desperately need to find something, it will always be in the place you least expect it to be.
-- Yan Tremblay

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website.

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV ,so how do the plants grow? (UK) A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you've been drinking

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy) A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA) A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna BoysChoir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia (USA) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy). A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) A: Only at Christmas.

17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

20. Q: I was in Australia in 1966 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

21. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

ROFLMAO!

Brilliant Wayne !

WE ARE ONE

We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru, and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half arsed skeptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland, as its beautiful one day then perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better.

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and still not
win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning.

And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe. Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards, or cameras but chain the pens to the desk. We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!!! No other country has this distinction!

Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

I am, you are, we are Australian!

***************************



I became confused when I heard the word "service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue "Service"
Postal "Service"
Telephone "Service"
Cable TV "Service"
Civil "Service"
City, Provincial Public "Service"
Customer "Service"

This is not what I thought "service" meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" his cows.

BAM! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.