Lucky13
Forum Mascot
Wife: One more word from you and I will leave you and go back to my mother.
Husband: Taxi!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife really worships me, she puts burnt offerings in front of me every day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: To think that I had to marry you to find out just how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have realised that when I asked you to marry me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A smart wife will always ask her husband's opinion - after she has made up her mind.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife has a terrible memory - she never forgets anything.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife wanted to see the world, so I bought an atlas.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Each year on his wedding anniversary he goes down to City Hall in the hope that his marriage license has expired.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many a poor husband was once a rich bachelor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husband: You have to admit that men have much better judgement than women.
Wife: You're right. You married me and I married you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fred: Have you ever seen one of those machines that can tell when someone is telling a lie?
Joe: Seen one? I married one!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't need to buy an encyclopedia - my wife knows everything.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Policeman: I am sorry to have to tell you this Mr Brown, but you wife has just fallen into the wishing well and drowned.
Mr Brown: It works!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: What do you mean coming home half drunk at this time of night?
Husband: It's not my fault - I ran out of money.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husband: Let's go out on the town tonight and have some fun.
Wife: Yeah, but if you get home before me, remember to leave the front door open.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It first occured to me that our marriage might be in trouble when my wife won an all expenses paid trip for two to Hawaii - and she went twice.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to buy a life insurance policy. "Just imagine if your husband was to die tomorrow," he said. "What would you get?"
"Oh, a Labrador dog, I think," replied the housewife. "They're so well-behaved.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I still miss my ex-husband - but my aim is getting better.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man to marriage counselor: "My wife and I can't agree on our vacation. I want to go to Bermuda and she wants to go with me."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wedding rings: The world's smallest handcuffs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Missing: wife and dog. Reward for dog.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage - Female going from lipstick to broomstick.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bigamy: one wife too many
Monogamy same thing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bigamist: A man who can have his Kate and Edith too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It used to be wine, women and song. Now it's beer, the old lady, and TV.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you miss your ex, reload and try again!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, these two women were talking and the one asks the other how many times she's been married, and the reply was 4.
'Four times!' exclaimed the first woman, why so many?
So the other woman said: 'Well, I first got married when I was very young, and I married this wonderful man who was a banker. However, one day just a few weeks after we were married, his bank was robbed and he was shot and killed.'
'Oh my gosh, that's terrible' the first woman said.
'Well, it wasn't that tragic. Soon after that, I started seeing another man who performed in the circus. He was really a great guy, but he lived pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a net. Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was killed.'
'Your second husband was killed too?!!? That's horrible!'
'Yes, it was terrible, but at the funeral I fell in love with the minister and we got married soon after that. Unfortunately, one Sunday while he was walking to church, he was hit by a car and killed.'
'Three??? Three husbands of yours were killed? How could you live through all that?'
'It was pretty tough, but then I met my present husband. And he's a wonderful man. I think we'll live a long happy life together.'
'And what does your present husband do for a living?'
'He's a mortician.'
'A mortician? I don't understand something here. First you marry a banker, then a circus performer, then a minister, and now a mortician? Why such a diverse grouping of husbands?'
'Well, if you think about it it's not too hard to understand...
One for the money...
Two for the show...
Three to get ready...
And four to go!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping John. "It's all right.
Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, John. I had affairs with your brother, your best friend and your father."
John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him.
He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot beer"?
The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home"!
Husband: Taxi!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife really worships me, she puts burnt offerings in front of me every day.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: To think that I had to marry you to find out just how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have realised that when I asked you to marry me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A smart wife will always ask her husband's opinion - after she has made up her mind.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife has a terrible memory - she never forgets anything.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife wanted to see the world, so I bought an atlas.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Each year on his wedding anniversary he goes down to City Hall in the hope that his marriage license has expired.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many a poor husband was once a rich bachelor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husband: You have to admit that men have much better judgement than women.
Wife: You're right. You married me and I married you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fred: Have you ever seen one of those machines that can tell when someone is telling a lie?
Joe: Seen one? I married one!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't need to buy an encyclopedia - my wife knows everything.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Policeman: I am sorry to have to tell you this Mr Brown, but you wife has just fallen into the wishing well and drowned.
Mr Brown: It works!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: What do you mean coming home half drunk at this time of night?
Husband: It's not my fault - I ran out of money.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husband: Let's go out on the town tonight and have some fun.
Wife: Yeah, but if you get home before me, remember to leave the front door open.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It first occured to me that our marriage might be in trouble when my wife won an all expenses paid trip for two to Hawaii - and she went twice.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to buy a life insurance policy. "Just imagine if your husband was to die tomorrow," he said. "What would you get?"
"Oh, a Labrador dog, I think," replied the housewife. "They're so well-behaved.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I still miss my ex-husband - but my aim is getting better.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man to marriage counselor: "My wife and I can't agree on our vacation. I want to go to Bermuda and she wants to go with me."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wedding rings: The world's smallest handcuffs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Missing: wife and dog. Reward for dog.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage - Female going from lipstick to broomstick.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bigamy: one wife too many
Monogamy same thing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bigamist: A man who can have his Kate and Edith too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It used to be wine, women and song. Now it's beer, the old lady, and TV.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you miss your ex, reload and try again!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, these two women were talking and the one asks the other how many times she's been married, and the reply was 4.
'Four times!' exclaimed the first woman, why so many?
So the other woman said: 'Well, I first got married when I was very young, and I married this wonderful man who was a banker. However, one day just a few weeks after we were married, his bank was robbed and he was shot and killed.'
'Oh my gosh, that's terrible' the first woman said.
'Well, it wasn't that tragic. Soon after that, I started seeing another man who performed in the circus. He was really a great guy, but he lived pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a net. Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was killed.'
'Your second husband was killed too?!!? That's horrible!'
'Yes, it was terrible, but at the funeral I fell in love with the minister and we got married soon after that. Unfortunately, one Sunday while he was walking to church, he was hit by a car and killed.'
'Three??? Three husbands of yours were killed? How could you live through all that?'
'It was pretty tough, but then I met my present husband. And he's a wonderful man. I think we'll live a long happy life together.'
'And what does your present husband do for a living?'
'He's a mortician.'
'A mortician? I don't understand something here. First you marry a banker, then a circus performer, then a minister, and now a mortician? Why such a diverse grouping of husbands?'
'Well, if you think about it it's not too hard to understand...
One for the money...
Two for the show...
Three to get ready...
And four to go!'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping John. "It's all right.
Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, John. I had affairs with your brother, your best friend and your father."
John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him.
He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot beer"?
The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home"!