Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

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Wife: One more word from you and I will leave you and go back to my mother.
Husband: Taxi!
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My wife really worships me, she puts burnt offerings in front of me every day.
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Wife: To think that I had to marry you to find out just how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have realised that when I asked you to marry me.
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Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it!
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A smart wife will always ask her husband's opinion - after she has made up her mind.
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My wife has a terrible memory - she never forgets anything.
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My wife wanted to see the world, so I bought an atlas.
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Each year on his wedding anniversary he goes down to City Hall in the hope that his marriage license has expired.
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Many a poor husband was once a rich bachelor.
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Husband: You have to admit that men have much better judgement than women.
Wife: You're right. You married me and I married you.
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Fred: Have you ever seen one of those machines that can tell when someone is telling a lie?
Joe: Seen one? I married one!
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I don't need to buy an encyclopedia - my wife knows everything.
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Policeman: I am sorry to have to tell you this Mr Brown, but you wife has just fallen into the wishing well and drowned.
Mr Brown: It works!
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Wife: What do you mean coming home half drunk at this time of night?
Husband: It's not my fault - I ran out of money.
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Husband: Let's go out on the town tonight and have some fun.
Wife: Yeah, but if you get home before me, remember to leave the front door open.
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It first occured to me that our marriage might be in trouble when my wife won an all expenses paid trip for two to Hawaii - and she went twice.
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An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to buy a life insurance policy. "Just imagine if your husband was to die tomorrow," he said. "What would you get?"
"Oh, a Labrador dog, I think," replied the housewife. "They're so well-behaved.
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My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
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I still miss my ex-husband - but my aim is getting better.
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Man to marriage counselor: "My wife and I can't agree on our vacation. I want to go to Bermuda and she wants to go with me."
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Wedding rings: The world's smallest handcuffs.
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Missing: wife and dog. Reward for dog.
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Marriage - Female going from lipstick to broomstick.
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Bigamy: one wife too many
Monogamy same thing.
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Bigamist: A man who can have his Kate and Edith too.
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It used to be wine, women and song. Now it's beer, the old lady, and TV.
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If you miss your ex, reload and try again!
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Once upon a time, these two women were talking and the one asks the other how many times she's been married, and the reply was 4.
'Four times!' exclaimed the first woman, why so many?
So the other woman said: 'Well, I first got married when I was very young, and I married this wonderful man who was a banker. However, one day just a few weeks after we were married, his bank was robbed and he was shot and killed.'
'Oh my gosh, that's terrible' the first woman said.
'Well, it wasn't that tragic. Soon after that, I started seeing another man who performed in the circus. He was really a great guy, but he lived pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a net. Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was killed.'
'Your second husband was killed too?!!? That's horrible!'
'Yes, it was terrible, but at the funeral I fell in love with the minister and we got married soon after that. Unfortunately, one Sunday while he was walking to church, he was hit by a car and killed.'
'Three??? Three husbands of yours were killed? How could you live through all that?'
'It was pretty tough, but then I met my present husband. And he's a wonderful man. I think we'll live a long happy life together.'
'And what does your present husband do for a living?'
'He's a mortician.'
'A mortician? I don't understand something here. First you marry a banker, then a circus performer, then a minister, and now a mortician? Why such a diverse grouping of husbands?'
'Well, if you think about it it's not too hard to understand...
One for the money...
Two for the show...
Three to get ready...
And four to go!'
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Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping John. "It's all right.
Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, John. I had affairs with your brother, your best friend and your father."
John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
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A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him.
He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot beer"?
The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home"!
 
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish!" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . ." The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?
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A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
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When Marriage is Outlawed,
Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
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Marriage - a three ring circus:
engagement ring,
wedding ring,
and suffering.
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A visitor to the graveyard couldn't help noticing a man kneeling in front of a gravestone, clasping his hands and sobbing. The visitor went a bit closer and could hear what the man was saying.
'Why did you have to die?' he was repeating, 'Why did you have to die?'
Feeling he ought to do something, the visitor laid his hand on the man's shoulder.
'Was it someone you loved very much?' he asked gently.
The man looked up at him and said, 'no, I never met him, he was my wife's first husband.'
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My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" "The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
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A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof - the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the the fairy picked up her wand and poof - the husband was 90.
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John's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
John enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
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The other day at work I ran into Bob. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombsell on me. "Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce".
I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together"
"Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."
"Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." I probed.
"Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
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A man and his wife entered the dentist's office.
"I want a tooth pulled", the man said. "We are in a big hurry, so let us not fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff."
"You are a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?"
"Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.
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A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.
She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled,
"My husband's home! My husband's home!"
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The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" The cop asked. "My wife." said the man.
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A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
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Husband: "Your birthday is coming up, so I'd like some idea of what you'd like for your birthday."
Wife: "I want a divorce!"
Pause.
Husband: "I'm really sorry, but I hadn't planned to spend that much."
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A businessman called home, at noon one day, but the maid answered. When the man asked to speak to his wife, the maid replied, "She's entertaining her boyfriend". After sputtering and fuming for a minute, the businessman asked, the maid if she would like to make $100,000 for a few minutes work, she said. "Of course, what do I have to do?", He answered, "Take my shotgun from the closet and shoot the both of them.", The phone was put down, he heard footsteps proceeding upstairs, then two shots rang out, followed by footsteps back downstairs to the phone. The maid said, "Okay, it's done. What shall I do with the bodies?" The man said, "Take them out back and throw them into the pool", The maid responded, "What pool?" After a moment of silence, he said, "Isn't this 555-3724?"
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A man was boasting to his friend, "You know, I am a well known collector of antiques."
His friend replied," Yes I know, I've seen your wife."
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A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Pack up your things! I just won the lottery!"
His wife replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
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Mommy, mommy, why is daddy running?
Shut up, kid, and hand me another box of shotgun shells.
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A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror, taking a long hard look at herself.
"You know dear", she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive, to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment, thinking about it, and says in a soft, thoughtful voice. "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30, at Saint Elmo's memorial Chapel.
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Mr Green: My wife's one in a million.
Mr Brown: Really? I thought she was won in a raffle.
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Mrs Smith: Don't you think that man over there is the ugliest person you've ever seen?
Mrs Jones: Thats my husband.
Mrs Smith: Oh dear, I'm so sorry.
Mrs Jones: You're sorry. . .
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cheer up!" said Alan to his depressed friend, John. "Why don't you drown your sorrows?"
John, a married man with three strapping daughters at home, turned a doleful face towards him and said:
"No man, that would be murder."
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A man's on his deathbed with his wife sitting near him. He says "Dear wife, I must confess certain things to you before I die." She says, "Hush now, husband, you're fading fast."
He says, "But this is really important, I must tell you so I can die with a clear conscience! I slept with your best friend, your sister, and your mother!"
She says, "I know, that's why I poisoned you."
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Hotel Porter: "May I carry your bag sir?"
Hotel Guest: "No that won't be necessary, my wife is perfectly capable of walking."
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"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
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Don't marry for money...You can borrow it cheaper.
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The kindest thing I can say about my wife is that her in-laws are a lot nicer than mine.
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Last weekend my credit card was stolen but I decided not to report it because the thief is spending less than my wife does.
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A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
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What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
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MABEL: When I'm old and ugly, will you still love me?
PERCY: I do, don't I?
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Bill: Today is my wife's birthday.
Phil: What are you getting for her?
Bill: Make me an offer!
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A HUSBAND: The man who knows he is in charge, and has his wife's permission to say so.
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A FATHER: The man who has complete command, most of the time, of the dog.
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When a man was reading the newspaper, his wife asked, "Will you still love me when I'm old and gray?" "Sure I do," he mumbled.
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A man had a wife who was a terrible cook - she just served frozen food day after day. Eventually the husband went to his doctor and explained his problem. 'And what's the trouble?' asked the doctor. 'Ulcers?' 'No, frostbite.'
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'Are you married?'
'No, I've always been round-shouldered.'
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Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a particular brand of beer exactly to his taste, he should at once throw up his job and go to work in the brewery.
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Printed in a newspaper - Hugh and Ruth went to grammar school together and their marriage will stop a romance begun between them there.
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Printed in a newspaper - The marriage of Miss Anna Bloch and Mr William Dashwood, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake and we wish to correct it.
 
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He is a mental tourist - his mind wanders.
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Have you ever been to the local zoo?
I mean as a visitor?
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She looks even worse than her passport photo.
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I live by my wits.
Now I know why you look so hungry.
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Of course I'm listening to you don't you see me yawning?
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You have a striking personality. How long has it been on strike?
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It's all right to be stupid, but you're making a career out of it.
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I'm a self-made man.
We accept your apology.
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Why don't you go home and brush up on your ignorance.
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An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
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He doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
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The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
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All foam, no beer.
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He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
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The elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
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His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
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Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
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A few clowns short of a circus.
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He thinks everyone worships the ground that he crawled out of.
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His death won't be listed in the newspaper under 'Obituaries', it will be under 'Neighborhood Improvements'.
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Don't let your mind wander. It's not stong enough to be allowed out on its own.
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He's as much use as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
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He's a few fries short of a happy meal.
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If brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose.
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He doesn't have enough sandwiches for a picnic.
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He's not playing with a full deck.
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If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny.
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I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet.
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Are you sure the nurses know you're using the computer?
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Why don't you act like a human being or don't you do impersonations?
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You're outstanding in your field, and that's where you should be - out standing in your field.
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I'd like to help you out - Which way did you come in?
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Do I need you? About as much as Custer needed more Indians.
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If there's nothing to say, I'm sure you'll say it.
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When I want your comments, I'll rattle your cage.
 
I knew that I must be drunk when I started feeling sophisticated - and couldn't pronounce it.
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I'm not a steady drinker - my hand shakes too much.
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A drunk was brought before the court. "Mister," the judge began, "you've been brought here for drinking."
"Great!" the drunk exclaimed. "When do we get started?"
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Two drunks were staggering home one night when they passed the local brewery which was lit up. One said 'It's good to know that no matter how much we drink they are still able to supply enough.'
'Maybe,' said his friend, 'but I see that we have them working nights'.
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The drunker I sit here, the longer I get.
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Ossifer, I swear to drunk I'm not God!
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I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
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I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk!
Alcoholics go to meetings!
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1 Tequila
2 Tequila
3 Tequila
Floor.
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Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.
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I don't have a drinking problem.
I drink
I get drunk
I fall down
No problem
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"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."
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"Surely you're not going to drive that car," said the policeman, advancing on the motorist who had just staggered out of a bar.
"Well, offisher, do you think I'm in any condi*tion to walk?"
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A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him. "You, sir, are drunk!"
"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"
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There's this drunk guy who decides that he wants to go fishing. He packs up all his tackle and sets out in search of a suitable spot.
Eventually, he stumbles across a huge area of ice and decides that he'll give it a go. Taking out a saw from his tackle box, he starts to saw a whole. Suddenly, a loud voice booms out at him, "There's no fish in here." The drunk looks all around him but can't see anyone. He decides to ignore the voice and carries on sawing.
Again, the voice booms out, "I've told you once, there's no fish in here!" He looks up again but there's still no sign of anyone so he returns to his task.
"Stop it!" shouts the now very angry sounding voice, "You'd better pack up your stuff and get out of here or there'll be trouble."
"Who are you" shouts the drunk guy, "you don't scare me!"
"Look," replies the voice, "I'm the manager of this Ice Rink!"
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"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."
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Everyone has to believe in something
I believe I'll have another beer.
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I was in the city the other day, when a drunk came up to me and said "for $10 I'll teach you to talk like an Indian! I said "how?" He said, "see, you're learning already".
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'Twas the Pig Fair last September.
The day I well remember
I was walking up and down in drunken pride..
When My knees began to flutter,
So I sat down in the gutter..
When a Pig came up and lay down by my side.
As I was sitting in the gutter,
Thinking thoughts I could not utter..
I thought I heard a passing lady say:
"You can tell a man who boozes By the company he chooses."
And with that the pig got up and walked away.
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A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw this and asked, "Say there, whatcha doin' with that pig?" "That's not a pig, stupid!" she said coldly."That's a duck." "I know," replied the drunk. "I was talking to the duck."
 
:sign5:

The Way to Inner Peace.

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocda, a pockage of Prunglies , tha mainder of a bottel Prozic and Valum priscriptins, the res of the Chesescak and a bax a shocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.
 
A blonde walks into a doctors office. She tells her doctor that everywhere she touches, she feels pain. He asks her to show him.
She pokes her elbow, pain. She pokes her leg, searing pain. The doctor tells her that her finger is broken.
 
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