RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)
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Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Got this in a E-mail today:
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh
>
>
>
>
>
> 'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over
> twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
> 'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
> the
> tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it
> couldn't
> have been bigger than an AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the
> nurse
> started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later she
> was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. 'I am so
> sorry,'
> she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a
> lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be
> the
> problem?'
> 'It's swollen,' Fred replied.
> She ran out of the room.
>
> --
mikewint
Captain
T Bolt
Colonel
mikewint
Captain
The Deer Hunt
1:00 am - Alarm clock rings
2:00 am - Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed
2:30 am - Throw everything except the kitchen sink into the pick-up
3:00 am - Leave for the deep woods
3:15 am - Back home to pick up gun
3:30 am - Set up camp. Forgot the damn tent
4:00 am - Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight
4:30 am - Set up camp
6:05 am - Head for the woods
6:06 am - See eight deer
6:07 am - Take aim and squeeze the trigger
6:08 am - CLICK
8:00 am - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill
9:00 am - Head back to camp
12:00 NOON - Fire gun for help--eat wild berries
12:15 pm - Run out of bullets--eight deer come back
12:20 pm - Strange feeling in stomach
12:30 pm - Realize you ate poison berries
12:45 pm - Rescued
12:55 pm - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped
3:00 pm - Arrive back at camp
3:30 pm - Leave camp to kill deer
4:00 pm - Return to camp for bullets
4:01 pm - Load gun--Leave camp again
5:00 pm - Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you
6:00 pm - Arrive at camp--see deer grazing in camp
6:01 pm - Load gun
6:02 pm - Fire gun
6:03 pm - One dead pick-up
6:05 pm - Hunting partner arrives in camp dragging deer
6:06 pm - Repress desire to shoot hunting partner
6:07 pm - Fall into fire
6:10 pm - Change clothes--throw burned ones onto fire
6:15 pm - Take pick-up, leave hunting partner and his deer in camp
6:25 pm - Pick-up boils over--hole shot in block
6:26 pm - Start walking
6:30 pm - Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud
6:35 pm - Meet bear
6:36 pm - Take aim
6:37 pm - Fire gun, blow up barrel--plugged with mud
6:38 pm - Mess pants
6:39 pm - Climb tree
9:00 pm - Bear leaves. Wrap *$%!@#$% gun around tree
Midnight - Home at last
1:00 am - Alarm clock rings
2:00 am - Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed
2:30 am - Throw everything except the kitchen sink into the pick-up
3:00 am - Leave for the deep woods
3:15 am - Back home to pick up gun
3:30 am - Set up camp. Forgot the damn tent
4:00 am - Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight
4:30 am - Set up camp
6:05 am - Head for the woods
6:06 am - See eight deer
6:07 am - Take aim and squeeze the trigger
6:08 am - CLICK
8:00 am - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill
9:00 am - Head back to camp
12:00 NOON - Fire gun for help--eat wild berries
12:15 pm - Run out of bullets--eight deer come back
12:20 pm - Strange feeling in stomach
12:30 pm - Realize you ate poison berries
12:45 pm - Rescued
12:55 pm - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped
3:00 pm - Arrive back at camp
3:30 pm - Leave camp to kill deer
4:00 pm - Return to camp for bullets
4:01 pm - Load gun--Leave camp again
5:00 pm - Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you
6:00 pm - Arrive at camp--see deer grazing in camp
6:01 pm - Load gun
6:02 pm - Fire gun
6:03 pm - One dead pick-up
6:05 pm - Hunting partner arrives in camp dragging deer
6:06 pm - Repress desire to shoot hunting partner
6:07 pm - Fall into fire
6:10 pm - Change clothes--throw burned ones onto fire
6:15 pm - Take pick-up, leave hunting partner and his deer in camp
6:25 pm - Pick-up boils over--hole shot in block
6:26 pm - Start walking
6:30 pm - Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud
6:35 pm - Meet bear
6:36 pm - Take aim
6:37 pm - Fire gun, blow up barrel--plugged with mud
6:38 pm - Mess pants
6:39 pm - Climb tree
9:00 pm - Bear leaves. Wrap *$%!@#$% gun around tree
Midnight - Home at last
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO
BikerBabe
Senior Master Sergeant
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Good thing I wasn't drinking anything, Maria! Thanks...needed a good laugh!
mikewint
Captain
always thought that was a funny name
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vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
ROFLMAO!
BikerBabe
Senior Master Sergeant
I just thought that the joke fitted this forum nicely. 
Here's a few other ones:
Here's a few other ones:
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mikewint
Captain
Command Reduction Of Army Personnel (C.R.A.P.)
As a result of DOD budget cutbacks, we are forced to reduce the size of the force. Under CRAP, older soldiers will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of lower paid soldiers who represent the Army's future.
A program to phase out older soldiers via retirement by the end of the current fiscal year will be placed in effect. the program will be known as Retire Active Personnel Early (RAPE).
Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek civilian employment within the Department of the Army. To that end, RAPEd soldiers will be required to fill out numerous DA Forms (currently in the development, test, and evaluation stage) detailing their education and experience. This phase does not guarantee retired soldiers a civil service position; it does, however, guarantee that the soldier's unique capabilities will be considered before being bypassed in the hiring process. This phase of CRAP is known as Survey of Capabilities of Retired Warriors (SCREW).
Soldiers who have been RAPEd and SCREWed may request review of their situation by higher authority. This is the Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT) phase.
CRAP policy dictates that a soldier may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the Army leadership deems appropriate.
If a soldier follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance (HERPES). As HERPES is considered a benefit payment, any soldier who gets HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the Army.
The Army leadership wishes to assure younger soldiers who remain on active duty that the Army will continue its policy of ensuring that soldiers are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (****) program. The Army takes pride in the amount of **** our soldiers receive and can boast that it gives its soldiers more **** than any other service.
If a soldier feels he or she does not get enough ****, see your commander. Your commander is especially trained to make sure you receive all the **** you can stand.
As a result of DOD budget cutbacks, we are forced to reduce the size of the force. Under CRAP, older soldiers will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of lower paid soldiers who represent the Army's future.
A program to phase out older soldiers via retirement by the end of the current fiscal year will be placed in effect. the program will be known as Retire Active Personnel Early (RAPE).
Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek civilian employment within the Department of the Army. To that end, RAPEd soldiers will be required to fill out numerous DA Forms (currently in the development, test, and evaluation stage) detailing their education and experience. This phase does not guarantee retired soldiers a civil service position; it does, however, guarantee that the soldier's unique capabilities will be considered before being bypassed in the hiring process. This phase of CRAP is known as Survey of Capabilities of Retired Warriors (SCREW).
Soldiers who have been RAPEd and SCREWed may request review of their situation by higher authority. This is the Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT) phase.
CRAP policy dictates that a soldier may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the Army leadership deems appropriate.
If a soldier follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance (HERPES). As HERPES is considered a benefit payment, any soldier who gets HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the Army.
The Army leadership wishes to assure younger soldiers who remain on active duty that the Army will continue its policy of ensuring that soldiers are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (****) program. The Army takes pride in the amount of **** our soldiers receive and can boast that it gives its soldiers more **** than any other service.
If a soldier feels he or she does not get enough ****, see your commander. Your commander is especially trained to make sure you receive all the **** you can stand.
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
and so true!
mikewint
Captain
viking, guess you been there too
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Maria: had to laugh at the first, and agreed with Vader on his.
Mike: Half of me is laughing, half is crying....not sure which is which at the moment!
Mike: Half of me is laughing, half is crying....not sure which is which at the moment!
T Bolt
Colonel
Maria's cartoon reminded me of a joke my dad told me that I hadn't thought about in years. Dad was a top turret gunner in B-24s in the 490th Bomb Group 8th Airforce before they converted to B-17s I tell you this because he said this joke was going around at the time.
At an U.S.Army Airforce base in England, at a debriefing after a mission over German a waist gunner with a very heavy German accent is telling about his encounter with German fighters "One Foke came in and I hit him and he turned over smoking an vent straight down". The debriefing officer wrote something down "So you're claiming one FW-190 destroyed." The gunner became agitated "Nein!.. Nein!!..... The Foke was flying a Messerschmitt!!!"
At an U.S.Army Airforce base in England, at a debriefing after a mission over German a waist gunner with a very heavy German accent is telling about his encounter with German fighters "One Foke came in and I hit him and he turned over smoking an vent straight down". The debriefing officer wrote something down "So you're claiming one FW-190 destroyed." The gunner became agitated "Nein!.. Nein!!..... The Foke was flying a Messerschmitt!!!"
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RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
