Quotes and Jokes

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GeeDee, great pic, would like to see some after pics. i remember a construction video which caught a guy going into a portapotty just before a crane swings a load into it. the portapotty rolls down a hill. when they get the guy out he is solid blue
 
Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.

Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and wisdom to do their job properly.

Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.

Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.

Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually confirm what I think.

Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!

Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.

If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.

If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.

If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.

If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do.

There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.

Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.

If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an hour and enjoy your breakfast.

A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or just half of someone else's?

Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?

I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.

Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.
 







************



As U.S. tourists in Israel, Morris and his wife Ruth were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists.

An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

"America," Morris replied.

Looking at Ruth's dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, "She's not from the States."

"Yes I am!" said the wife.

He looked at her and asked, "Is he your husband?"

"Yes," she replied.

Turning to the husband, the Arab said, "I'll give you 100 camels for her."

Morris looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked, "Morris, what took you so long to answer?"

Morris replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."
 
THE FLOATER
I was invited to a new girlfriend's house for dinner and to meet her family one night back in my late teens. Her family were quite affluent and had a very large house with all the mod cons, I spent an hour or so with her father and uncle in their private bar drinking Jack Daniels and coke when I felt the urge for a crap. I excused myself and found Mahoney (The girl in question) and asked her where the toilet was, she gave me directions up the stairs to her ensuite. After a very satisfying **** and wipe I pulled up my pants and flushed the toilet and to my horror I had created a floater. I covered it in bog roll and flushed again hoping the added drag would assist in flushing the monster through the s-bend. This had just created a floater with lots of bits paper attached to it. At this point Mahoney knocks on the door and says "We're all going out to be seated in the greenhouse for dinner.". I was starting to panic and didn't want to leave this in my new girlfriend's ensuite and repeated flush attempts were not working. After a few more attempts I grabbed the toilet brush and scooped the floater out of the toilet and flung it out the bathroom window. Quite pleased with myself for overcoming the situation I headed down stairs to find the greenhouse and Mahoney's family. I walked through the kitchen and saw every one sitting just outside in a lush greenhouse some looking directly at me others looking at the hideous brown mess that had splattered all over the roof of the greenhouse.
 
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