Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)

Some more I found: Freedom Is Just Another Word…

They sent my Census form back!
In answer to the question, "Do you have any dependents?",
I put"Asylum seekers, illegal immigrants, crack heads, unemployable bastards,
the cast of The Jerry Springer Show, 80,000 people in our 133 penal establishments in Texas,
leftovers in Texas from Katrina, half of freak'n Mexico, automotive workers,
some of the Congress, most of the Senate and a Muslim President!"
Apparently, this wasn't an acceptable answer.


**********


My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewelry to Lifeline or Vinnie's.

Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.

Then disown me and never talk to me again.

Oh yeah, and don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.

Well, she didn't actually put it like that… she actually said…

"Dad this is my new boyfriend, Lucky13."


**********


The Recession Has Hit Everybody!

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally…

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

LMAO!

....the bedroom joke, sure that is my son Aaron.....only he is 22 now.....

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

This is being considered a major break-through and will solve a perennial problem: Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

ROFLMAO!

I liked that one also Wayne I have heard of such things (personal friends) of fathers slamming the door in the dates face when they show up to p/u the daughter


Second Opinion!

The doctor said, 'Harry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife. When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of Myself. As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life.

I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

I laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

I tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As I, admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

I thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed me and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

I thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

I laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'





New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Just got this in an email:

There once was a pervert named Weiner
Who had a perverted demeanor
Forced from the Hill
For acting like Bill
Now Congress is one weiner leaner.

RA

Subject: Rearing Daughters

My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewellery to Lifeline or Vinnies. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. Oh yeah, and don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother".

Well, she didn't actually put it like that, she actually said.....


"Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."

TO

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead said,





Your brother won't let me in without a tie.

Aaaaand the price is now $5000. In Susan B. Anthonies.