Some more I found:
Freedom Is Just Another Word…
They sent my Census form back!
In answer to the question, "Do you have any dependents?",
I put"Asylum seekers, illegal immigrants, crack heads, unemployable bastards,
the cast of The Jerry Springer Show, 80,000 people in our 133 penal establishments in Texas,
leftovers in Texas from Katrina, half of freak'n Mexico, automotive workers,
some of the Congress, most of the Senate and a Muslim President!"
Apparently, this wasn't an acceptable answer.
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My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.
Please take all of my jewelry to Lifeline or Vinnie's.
Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.
Then disown me and never talk to me again.
Oh yeah, and don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.
Well, she didn't actually put it like that… she actually said…
"Dad this is my new boyfriend, Lucky13."
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The Recession Has Hit Everybody!
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
And, finally…
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.