Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)
- Thread starter v2
- Start date
Ad: This forum contains affiliate links to products on Amazon and eBay. More information in Terms and rules
Alittle dry humor about Life:
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed......
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And again God agreed......
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed......
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And again God agreed......
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Arf.
makes sense...
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home,
her relatives came to visit. ''May we see the new baby?" one asked. "Not yet," said the mother. I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first." Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see t! he new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother. After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied the mother. Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded to know why. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"
"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him."
her relatives came to visit. ''May we see the new baby?" one asked. "Not yet," said the mother. I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first." Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see t! he new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother. After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied the mother. Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded to know why. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"
"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him."
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
beaupower32
Tech Sergeant
Pierre and Boudreaux found themselves out of a job when the underwear factory in Port Barre shut down. But their boss said they could go to the LSU office -- you know ... the Louisiana State Unemployment Office -- so that Pierre and Boudreaux could get some money from the State while out of a job.
So Pierre and Boudreaux went to the LSU office.
As Pierre waited, Boudreaux sat down at a desk and was interviewed by the lady there.
"And what was your former occupation?" she asked.
"Me, I was a crotch stitcher. I specialized in ladies underpants." Boudreaux proudly replied.
So the lady looks it up in her big book and says, "OK, you're eligible for $50 a week."
"You mean I don't gotta do nothin' and I kin get $50 a week. Man, dats betta den crawfishin'!" Boudreaux shouted.
Then Pierre sat down and the lady asked him the same question.
Pierre looked her straight in the eye and said, "I was one a dem diesel fitters."
She looked up in her big book again and said "Very good then, you're eligible for $200 a week in unemployment benefits."
"Wait a minute!" Boudreaux shouted. "Mais, how come Pierre gets $200 a week, and me, I only get $50. I tole you I used to be a crotch stitcher; you know you gotta be real good to do dat kind of work so de seams are all nice an straight an smooth so nutting scratches de lady. An Pierre here, he's only a diesel fitter. And he's gonna make at least twice more dan me?!"
"Oh," the lady replied, "but he's a skilled laborer with an education. Diesel fitters are in high demand especially by oil fields and heavy equipment users. There's not many diesel specialists around."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady," Boudreaux continued, "you got dat all wrong. Yeah, Pierre's a diesel fitter, all right. But what dat means is dat after I do all de fine work on de lady drawers, he picks dem up, looks 'em over and stretches dem dis way and dat, and den says, 'Yep, dese'll fit her!'"
So Pierre and Boudreaux went to the LSU office.
As Pierre waited, Boudreaux sat down at a desk and was interviewed by the lady there.
"And what was your former occupation?" she asked.
"Me, I was a crotch stitcher. I specialized in ladies underpants." Boudreaux proudly replied.
So the lady looks it up in her big book and says, "OK, you're eligible for $50 a week."
"You mean I don't gotta do nothin' and I kin get $50 a week. Man, dats betta den crawfishin'!" Boudreaux shouted.
Then Pierre sat down and the lady asked him the same question.
Pierre looked her straight in the eye and said, "I was one a dem diesel fitters."
She looked up in her big book again and said "Very good then, you're eligible for $200 a week in unemployment benefits."
"Wait a minute!" Boudreaux shouted. "Mais, how come Pierre gets $200 a week, and me, I only get $50. I tole you I used to be a crotch stitcher; you know you gotta be real good to do dat kind of work so de seams are all nice an straight an smooth so nutting scratches de lady. An Pierre here, he's only a diesel fitter. And he's gonna make at least twice more dan me?!"
"Oh," the lady replied, "but he's a skilled laborer with an education. Diesel fitters are in high demand especially by oil fields and heavy equipment users. There's not many diesel specialists around."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady," Boudreaux continued, "you got dat all wrong. Yeah, Pierre's a diesel fitter, all right. But what dat means is dat after I do all de fine work on de lady drawers, he picks dem up, looks 'em over and stretches dem dis way and dat, and den says, 'Yep, dese'll fit her!'"
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Got this in the E-mail.
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and
said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker
if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no GOD or no Heaven or
Hell or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question
first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse
produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it
and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there
is no GOD or no Heaven or Hell or no life after death, when you don't know ****?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
The End
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and
said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker
if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no GOD or no Heaven or
Hell or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question
first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty but a horse
produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it
and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there
is no GOD or no Heaven or Hell or no life after death, when you don't know ****?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
The End
How the phrase "you got to shi#@'in me" came about
Well, it just so happens, this phrase has its roots deeply involved with the Father of Our country. On the evening of December 25, 1776, when General George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his 33 troops, Washington 's boat encountered trouble.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
A big gust of wind and a wave hit the boat and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware river. Washington and his troops searched franticly for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, to no avail. Washington and his men felt terrible, Corporal Peters had been one of their best.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, cold, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Sometime later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.
What they didn't know was that this house, was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many of you are there?'
Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'
To which the Madam replied………. 'You gotta be shi@%in me.'
Well, it just so happens, this phrase has its roots deeply involved with the Father of Our country. On the evening of December 25, 1776, when General George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his 33 troops, Washington 's boat encountered trouble.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
A big gust of wind and a wave hit the boat and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware river. Washington and his troops searched franticly for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, to no avail. Washington and his men felt terrible, Corporal Peters had been one of their best.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, cold, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Sometime later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.
What they didn't know was that this house, was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many of you are there?'
Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'
To which the Madam replied………. 'You gotta be shi@%in me.'
Last edited:
