Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)
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Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly; he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that **** again; you're in my closet now.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly; he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that **** again; you're in my closet now.
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
- Thread starter
- #4,948
A Decard, Tennessee farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Tommy? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Tommy getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment.
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Tommy".
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Tommy? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Tommy getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment.
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Tommy".
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you endeavor to explain away by saying you win money gambling. I'm not that sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment. "Okay, go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment, then says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes that he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney, right there, as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars I can stand on one side of your desk and urinate into that wastebasket on the other side and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully at the desk and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt; so, he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants but although he strains mightily he can't quite make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head down in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, you see, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars he could come in here and urinate all over your desk, and you'd be happy about it!"
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you endeavor to explain away by saying you win money gambling. I'm not that sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment. "Okay, go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment, then says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes that he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney, right there, as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars I can stand on one side of your desk and urinate into that wastebasket on the other side and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully at the desk and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt; so, he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants but although he strains mightily he can't quite make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head down in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, you see, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars he could come in here and urinate all over your desk, and you'd be happy about it!"
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Here's another. May have been posted before not sure.
BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT !
TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine
12. God must love stupid people; He made so man.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times
the memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
(how true)
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!
BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY LET IN THE LIGHT !
TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine
12. God must love stupid people; He made so man.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times
the memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
(how true)
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO!
