Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

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Good ones Guys.....Got this in an email kinda cute and Guys I am sorry about Wayne he will be absent for awhile once his wife catches him looking at the email I sent


A Cowboy walked into a drug store in Waco , Texas and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.

She then asked if she could help him. The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The cowboy then agreed and began by saying ....... "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a .... Permanent Erection. It causes me a lot of
problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said "We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is as follows:

One-third ownership in the store

A company pickup truck

Two home cooked dinners a week

And $3,000 a month in living expenses."
 
TRUE STORY FROM Rolls Royce's OWN MAGAZINE


Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)


Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.




You're going to love this......

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:


"Defrost the chicken."
 
Not a joke but a nice little tidbit about life Enjoy!

A Mayonnaise Jar and Two Beers....

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls..

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.' The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. 'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.

Set your priorities.....The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented... The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

Please share this with someone you care about. I JUST DID!
 
A neighbor said to me, "Dude, you look tired."

"I am," I replied. "I just finished doing 50 push-ups."

"Oh really? When did you start doing push-ups?"

"Well, I did the first one in 1986."
 
WARNING

The government announced today that it's changing it's WARNING label for CONDOMS, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

WARNING: A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're being screwed. It just doesn't get more accurate than that

TO
 


An old married couple was at home watching TV.


The husband had the remote and was switching back
and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You

already know how to fish!
 
Morris, the loudmouth mechanic, was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted a famous heart surgeon who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.

Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc! Is dat you? Come on ova' here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.

Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked argumentatively, "So, Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I ALSO open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?"

The surgeon leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
 
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