Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

If this is to political one of the mods can delete it but this hit home for me.

Let the games begin!

Robert E. Lee watched as his friends died in the Civil War, my grandfather watched
as his friends died in WW II, and my father watched as my friends died in Vietnam .

None of them died for the Mexican Flag.

Everyone died for the U.S. flag.

In Texas , a student raised a Mexican flag on a school flag pole; another student
took it down. Guess who was expelled...the kid who took it down.

Kids in high school in California were sent home on Cinco de Mayo because they wore
T-shirts with the American flag printed on them.

Enough is enough.

The below e-mail message needs to be viewed by every American; and every American
needs to stand up for America .


We've bent over to appease the America-haters long enough.
I'm taking a stand.
I'm standing up because the hundreds of thousands who died fighting in wars for this
country, and for the U.S. flag can't stand up.

And shame on anyone who tries to make this a racist message.


Let me make this perfectly clear!








THIS IS MY COUNTRY!

And, because I make This statement
DOES NOT
Mean I'm against immigration!!!
YOU ARE WELCOME HERE, IN MY COUNTRY!

Welcome! To come through legally:

1. Get a sponsor!

2. Get a place to lay your head!

3.Get a job!

4.Live ByOURRules!

5.Pay YOURTaxes!
And

6.Learn theLANGUAGElike immigrants have in the past!!!
AND

7.Please don't demand that we hand over our lifetime savings of Social Security
Funds to you.


If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone,

Then YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM!


When will AMERICANS STOP giving awayTHEIR RIGHTS???

We've gone so far the other way...

bent over backwards not to offend anyone.

But it seems no one cares about the

AMERICAN CITIZEN

that's being offended!


WAKE UP America !!!



If You agree.... Pass this on.

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the
table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait
until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do"
his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

go Johhny!

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,
but they know they are in love.One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can bothfit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable,
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable.

*****************************


WIFE'S DIARY:

Tonight I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't reply, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HUSBAND'S DIARY:

A four putt! Who FOUR putts? Arrrgghh



***************************************

"There is no witness so dreadful, no accuser so terrible as the conscience that dwells in the heart of every man."

JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school
after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how
Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother,
'Why is the bride dressed in white?"
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color
of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running
as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!
Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped
on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running
again! As she ran she once again began to pray,
'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late…But please
don't shove me either!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about
their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,
they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing.
My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper,
he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to
collect all the money!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male
pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own
mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why
Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem ..
A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honour thy
father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
'Thou shall not kill..'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God
created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
down as though he were ill, and she said,
'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little
Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side.
I think I'm going to have a wife.'

LMAO

This is one you have to listen A drunk Scot in a Kilt

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZ35SOU9HTM

13 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

13. The bowlers Holding the batsmans Willey.
For those outside the UK it was a Cricket broadcast, where the bowler name was Michael Holding and the Batsmans name was Peter Willey

I'd eat beaver, too, if I could get it.


***********************


A woman in a supermarket has been walking behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved, 3-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'M William ... the little brat's name is Kevin."

Top Eleven Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That
Darn Gay Cowboy Movie

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
11. "I reckon this might hurt a little."