Quotes and Jokes (5 Viewers)

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The wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those pills will that "help" me get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills !

I am still looking for a new place to live.

Call me if you know of any place !
 
Man, I wish I'd had the guts to answer test questions like this when I was a kid....



Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* His last battle.

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* At the bottom of the page.

Q3. The San Antonio River flows in which state?
* Liquid.

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* Marriage.

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* Exams.

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch dinner.

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half.

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what it will become?
* It will simply become wet.

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand, and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands!

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
* Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
 
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.' He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.' The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'
 
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, 'Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan.'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Afghanistan either.'

TO
 
So, how's your day going?

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a
large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs
my drink and gulps it down in one swig.



"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly,
as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd
CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went
to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't
have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with
another man, and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to
it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching
the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"
 
Incredible Quotes:

"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances."
-- Dr. Lee DeForest, "Father of Radio Grandfather of Television."

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
- - Admiral William Leahy , US Atomic Bomb Project

"There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom."
-- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
-- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
-- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best
people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the
year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what is it good for?"
-- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on
the microchip.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981

This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of
communication. The device is inherently of no value to us,"
-- Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a
message sent to nobody in particular?"
-- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio
in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,'
the idea must be feasible,"
-- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper
proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal
Express Corp.)

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper,"
--Gary Cooper on his decision notto take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America
likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make,"
-- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out,"
-- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible,"
-- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment.
The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this,"
- - Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It"
Notepads.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy,"
-- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
-- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University , 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value,"
-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre ,
France .

"Everything that can be invented has been invented,"
-- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.

"The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water
that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum
tubes required."
-- Professor of Electrical Engineering, New York University

"I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of
documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself."
-- the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
-- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse , 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of
the wise and humane surgeon,"
-- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen
Victoria 1873.



And last but not least...

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
-- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
 
Idle Thoughts Of A Retiree's Wandering Mind:

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it
********************

I had amnesia once---or twice
********************

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
********************

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
********************

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy
********************

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
********************

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
********************

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
********************

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
********************

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
********************

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
********************

My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.
********************

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
********************

How can there be self-help "groups"?
********************

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
********************

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man
who can't get his pants off
********************

Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
 

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