Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)

[meatloaf109]

Ok here's one you can tell your kids,
Remember the Olympic skier, Picabo Street? (pronounced Peek-a-boo)
Well, she is a nurse now, working in the Intensive Care Unit.
They won't let her answer the phone anymore,...
"Picabo, I.C.U."

 

[Bucksnort101]

That was so funny I forgot to laugh.

 

[bobbysocks]

this is rather exciting and i am probably posting it in the wrong place but...

Google in conjunction with the Department of Education, and The National Organization of Teachers has come up with "Google's Word of the Week". The premise behind the effort is to promote literacy and the expansion and proper use of vocabulary. Through the search process participants will be exposed to lesser used words of the language. It is the goal that some of that will be retained and the quality of the language use will increase. All of the funding for this is being provided by Google themselves to encourage users to use Google Chrome ( which you MUST have to participate). To sweeten the pot and stimulate interest some very nice prizes ( including laptops, iPads, and money ) are being offered. Weekly winner's will be placed in a pool and drawn.
The way it works is you get the app ( which is hard to find but I will give you a link later ) for the iphone, i pad, android phones, etc. Every week you open your app and are presented a "word". However, that is NOT "THE" word. The official "Word of the Week" will be a synonym, antonym, etc. of the one presented. This is to prompt you to use Google Thesaurus ( of course, and for which there is an app..who would guess) to see all the words associated to the one given you. That is where the hunt begins. Select the word you think it could be and look it up on ( you guessed it ) Google Dictionary. If you are correct and found the "Word" you will know when reading the example at the end of the definition and given a link. For example last week's word was "persistence". Following the definition was the example something like: "Due to John's persistence he found the Google Word of the Week and could win big. Congratulations, you have too! Click here. That takes you to the main site that has everything including the app. You enter your ID number ( given to you in the app ) and hopefully come out a winner. I have done this for the past couple weeks and was able to find one. It took a lot of hunting though. This week's word is going to expire soon so instead of making you do the rat race I will give you the answer so you can enter and get the app. I am not much for educational things but if there are prizes involved I will give it a whirl. Good luck. OOOpps almost forgot. This week's answer is Gullible. the link and everything you need to know is at the end of its definition..

 

[gumbyk]

he he....
good one!

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Glider]

Banking... EXCELLENT

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

 

[michaelmaltby]

Women drivers in the Kingdom of SA

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Wayne Little]

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

 

[VBF-13]

 

[VBF-13]

Here's a good one...

A man is walking along the beach when he trips over something in the sand.

Upon examination, he sees it's a genie's lamp. He eagerly rubs the lamp and out pops the genie who says, "I'm the genie of the lamp. I've been trapped in this lamp for a thousand years. For setting me free, I'll grant you one wish."

The man thought and thought. Finally, he pulls out a map, and says, "It's been my goal in life to do something for mankind for which everyone else will remember me. You see this region here on the map? It's called the Middle East, and it's a very violent region. I realize I could wish for a lot
of money or fame, but I'd like to use this one wish for peace in the Middle East."

The genie looked disappointed. He says, "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't grant that wish. The people in that region have been fighting for thousands of years. The wars go back many, many generations. The religious battles and opinions run rampant in that area. Boundary disputes are constantly occurring. Violence and hatred are too far ingrained in that part of the world for even one of my wishes to do any good. I'm sorry, but I just can't do that. Have you another wish?"

"Well," says the man, "If I can't do that for mankind, perhaps I can do this for men. I'd like to understand how women work. What makes them laugh? What makes them cry? What affects their emotions? How do I make them happy? Why do they do the things they do? I wish I could fully understand women."

The genie replies, "Let me see that map, again."

 

[Gnomey]

 

[meatloaf109]

LMFAO!! Too True!!!

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[RabidAlien]

During my physical, my Doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, and took four 'leaks' behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, the Doctor said, "You must be one heck of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a terrible golfer."

 

[Crimea_River]

 

[michaelmaltby]

For Lucky ....


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5FFRoYhTJQQ

 

[RabidAlien]

A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What did you do that for?" the man asks.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

 

[vikingBerserker]