Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)
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Night Fighter Nut
Master Sergeant
I saw a movie based off of a play called, "1776". This was made in 1972. At the beginning of the movie, John Adams walks into the meeting room and loudly proclaims the following, "...It is said that a worthless man is a Disgrace!; that two are called a lawfirm, and three or more are called a Congress!..."
Another quote from the movie was when different representatives were headed home for vacation and one of them proclaims..."I'm off to refresh the misses!"
Another quote from the movie was when different representatives were headed home for vacation and one of them proclaims..."I'm off to refresh the misses!"
Glider
Captain
Rrriiiiinnnnggg . . . . . .. . . . Rrriiiiinnnnggg . . . . . . . . .
'Hello?'
'Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone ?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul..'
After a brief pause,
Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'
Brief Pause.
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs
And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey ?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water Last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool . . . . . . . . ??
Is this 486-5731 ?'
No, I think you have the wrong number........
'Hello?'
'Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone ?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul..'
After a brief pause,
Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'
Brief Pause.
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs
And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey ?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul ?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water Last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool . . . . . . . . ??
Is this 486-5731 ?'
No, I think you have the wrong number........
- Thread starter
- #6,165
Female communication meets male logic:
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
Crimea_River
Marshal
Logical to me!
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Excellent!
Ten things you should never say to a woman during an argument
1. Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
2. Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.
3. You are just upset because you butt is beginning to spread.
4. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?
5. You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
6. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
7. Whoa, time out. Football is on.
8. Looks like someone had a bowl of bitch flakes this morning!
9. Is there anyway we can do this via e-mail?
10. Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.
1. Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
2. Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.
3. You are just upset because you butt is beginning to spread.
4. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?
5. You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
6. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
7. Whoa, time out. Football is on.
8. Looks like someone had a bowl of bitch flakes this morning!
9. Is there anyway we can do this via e-mail?
10. Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.
At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?"
So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2,700."
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas."
At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?"
So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, "$2,700."
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas."
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Lady: "Do you drink?"
Man: "Yes."
Lady: "How much a day?"
Man: "Three six packs."
Lady: "How much per six pack?"
Man: "About $10.00."
Lady: "And how long have you been drinking?"
Man: "15 years."
Lady: "So, one six pack costs $10.00, and you have three six packs a day, which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 - correct?"
Man: "Correct."
Lady: "If in one year you spend $10,800, not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 - correct?"
Man: "Correct."
Lady: "Do you know that if you hadn't drunk, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account. And, after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?"
Man: "Do you drink?"
Lady: "No."
Man: "Where's your Ferrari?"
Man: "Yes."
Lady: "How much a day?"
Man: "Three six packs."
Lady: "How much per six pack?"
Man: "About $10.00."
Lady: "And how long have you been drinking?"
Man: "15 years."
Lady: "So, one six pack costs $10.00, and you have three six packs a day, which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 - correct?"
Man: "Correct."
Lady: "If in one year you spend $10,800, not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 - correct?"
Man: "Correct."
Lady: "Do you know that if you hadn't drunk, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account. And, after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?"
Man: "Do you drink?"
Lady: "No."
Man: "Where's your Ferrari?"
tengu1979
Airman
OK hopefully it wasnt here (sorry no time to look through all of them.....
An Atheist died and went straight to hell. Devil greet him - takes him to luxury apartment, gives keys to a ferrari opens a bar full of best drinks etc..... and says he will spend eternity here.
Ok - replies the man - but what were those poor people boiled in lava and tar???
Oh - those are Christians - they created it for themselves...
The other joke of similar thene
Pope dies and stands in the front of the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter opens and asks: - Who are you????
The Pope - replies the man - The head of Catholic Church.
Head of what???
Catholic Church - the biggest church of God and Lord Jeasus on Earth.
Never heard of it.... - Replies St. Peter - Wait here I'll ask the boss.
Goes to God and says. - There is someone who says he is the Pope and is a head of Catholic Church.
What in heavens is that???? - Asks God.
I Have no Idea. - Replied St. Peter.
Jesus????!!!!
Yes Father
There is someone called the Pope and is a Head of Catholic church, any Ideas what it is???
No, Not aclue Father but i'll go and ask.
Returns in couple of minutes laughing all the way.
Whats so funny??? - asks God
Do you remember this Fishermans Assosiation i created on Earth about 2000 years ago.
Yes I do
They are still in business.....
An Atheist died and went straight to hell. Devil greet him - takes him to luxury apartment, gives keys to a ferrari opens a bar full of best drinks etc..... and says he will spend eternity here.
Ok - replies the man - but what were those poor people boiled in lava and tar???
Oh - those are Christians - they created it for themselves...
The other joke of similar thene
Pope dies and stands in the front of the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter opens and asks: - Who are you????
The Pope - replies the man - The head of Catholic Church.
Head of what???
Catholic Church - the biggest church of God and Lord Jeasus on Earth.
Never heard of it.... - Replies St. Peter - Wait here I'll ask the boss.
Goes to God and says. - There is someone who says he is the Pope and is a head of Catholic Church.
What in heavens is that???? - Asks God.
I Have no Idea. - Replied St. Peter.
Jesus????!!!!
Yes Father
There is someone called the Pope and is a Head of Catholic church, any Ideas what it is???
No, Not aclue Father but i'll go and ask.
Returns in couple of minutes laughing all the way.
Whats so funny??? - asks God
Do you remember this Fishermans Assosiation i created on Earth about 2000 years ago.
Yes I do
They are still in business.....
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO
Who says Todays Kids aren't smart ??
(Well, some of them are!!! )
I wish I'd thought of this...
At a high School in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school.
Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats. 1,2,4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
(Well, some of them are!!! )
I wish I'd thought of this...
At a high School in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school.
Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats. 1,2,4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
tengu1979
Airman
10 REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN
1. You can enjoy beer all month long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play football.
5. Hangovers go away.
6. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
7. After you've had a beer the bottle is still worth a dime
8. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
9. You can have a beer in public, and most importantly,
10. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony.
10 Reasons Why Computers Are Better Than Girlfriends
1. You wouldn't bother to play Strip Poker all night with a girlfriend.
2. No girlfriend can hold your undivided attention for 30 hours in a stretch.
3. Your computer never wants to be taken out for dinner.
4. Your computer doesn't mind if you are unshaved, haven't showered this week or are sitting by it in your underwear.
5. If a computer gets a virus, it can be cleaned away.
6. No matter how ugly your computer is, you can show it to your friends.
7. With a computer, you can press the buttons without it getting sore.
8. A computer doesn't mind you using other computers as well.
9. You will never find your computer in bed with your best friend.
10. Computers never, EVER gets a period
1. You can enjoy beer all month long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play football.
5. Hangovers go away.
6. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
7. After you've had a beer the bottle is still worth a dime
8. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
9. You can have a beer in public, and most importantly,
10. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony.
10 Reasons Why Computers Are Better Than Girlfriends
1. You wouldn't bother to play Strip Poker all night with a girlfriend.
2. No girlfriend can hold your undivided attention for 30 hours in a stretch.
3. Your computer never wants to be taken out for dinner.
4. Your computer doesn't mind if you are unshaved, haven't showered this week or are sitting by it in your underwear.
5. If a computer gets a virus, it can be cleaned away.
6. No matter how ugly your computer is, you can show it to your friends.
7. With a computer, you can press the buttons without it getting sore.
8. A computer doesn't mind you using other computers as well.
9. You will never find your computer in bed with your best friend.
10. Computers never, EVER gets a period
