Quotes and Jokes (3 Viewers)
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michaelmaltby
Colonel
A public school substitute teacher was arrested today at Reagan Airport as he attempted to board a flight to visit his daughter in Florida while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by a President.
It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by a President.
It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other.
Very confused one of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down , "Why?"
The worker yelled back,
" Cause his mom's here with his lunch."
She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other.
Very confused one of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down , "Why?"
The worker yelled back,
" Cause his mom's here with his lunch."
Goodnight!!
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy,
God bless Daddy,
God bless Grandma and
good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:
"God bless Mommy,
God Bless Daddy and
good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and
good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."
----------------------------
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy,
God bless Daddy,
God bless Grandma and
good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:
"God bless Mommy,
God Bless Daddy and
good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless Mommy and
good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."
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michaelmaltby
Colonel
RabidAlien
1st Lieutenant
Night Fighter Nut
Master Sergeant
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Love it..!!
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
hedge hopper
Airman
- 61
- Dec 26, 2012
Nice-one Gary, but was it full or empty...? 
Crimea_River
Marshal
Only 30 more to go, or was that 43, no wait 60, yeah that's it, oh yeah, I meant 120, yeah yeah, 120, they're everywhere man!
hedge hopper
Airman
- 61
- Dec 26, 2012
I think that may well be an omen, only there in spirit !! Nothing left to give !!
Good one Gary...
