Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)

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Photoshop Level: Epic! Could also make for one sweet kit-build mashup!

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I just received my tax return for 2012 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents"
I replied: "12 million illegal immigrants,
3 million crack heads,
42 million unemployed people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons,
Half of Mexico, and
535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I keep asking myself, who the heck did I miss?
 
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer clocked a car puttering along at 27 kilometres an hour.

A typical clue that it's a defective car or a drunk driver behind the wheel, he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over.

Approaching the car, he noticed that it is full of old ladies, two in the front and three in the back...wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, said to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What is the problem?"

The car was new, and purred like a kitten. The driver showed no signs of having been drinking.

"Ma'am," the officer replied, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-seven kilometres an hour!".she said.

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained to her that 27 is the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

He said, "Before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? Your friends seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Highway 189."
 
Mathematics: This comes from 2 maths teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. Experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...
it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they
are giving more than 100%? We have all been
to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that whileHard work andKnowledge will get you close, andAttitudewill get you there, its theBullshit and Ass Kissingthat will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!
 
Ten things to say if you are caught sleeping at your desk


10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Tippex. You got here just in time!"
7. "I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress."
4. "For Pete's sake! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...


1. ".....in Jesus' name. Amen."
 
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on
reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.

'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste
it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to
her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was
almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a
twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me
clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!
T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years!
But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in
Starbucks again.
 
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