Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)

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What people think Old English is: Thou art indeed a fine lad, prithee yonder! Wherefore arest mine pantalones?

What it actually is:
Syððan ǽrest wearð feasceaft funden, hé þæs frófre gebád, wéox under wolcnum weorðmyndum þáh, oð þæt him ǽghwylc ymbsittendra ofer hron-ráde hýran scolde, gomban gyldan. Þæt wæs gód cyning!

 
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While there the wife took ill and passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

... The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
 
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of
the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a
big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and
stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about
it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize
there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead
and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging
for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand
appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came
through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down
the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and
ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was
crying... And wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from
the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and
out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing
at the bar, one said to the other....

Look Paddy....there's that idiot that got in the car while we
were pushing it.
 


DUI STOP
COP: "What were you thinking getting behind the steering wheel of a car?"
DRIVER: "I was too drunk to walk."

JOB APPLICATION
QUESTION: "Do you drink on the job?"
ANSWER: "No more than usual."
 
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and... *POOF*... she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and... *POOF*... she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini..."

St. Peter looks perplexed, "Who?" he asks.

"Sara Pipalini", replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper headline and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says...

"No sister, what the paper here says is that 1,400 vigorous men laid the Sahara Pipeline!!!"
 
A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch.
Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another." The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
 

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