Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)

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A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here"
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "Okay, how much?"
Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mum's lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
 


Here's a witty one...

Dorothy Parker, when asked to use the word "horticulture" correctly in a sentence: "You can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make her think."
 
No one believes seniors . .. . everyone thinks they are senile ...

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved I love you, Sally.


On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!


Andy said, We've got to give it back.


Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?


Sally said, No.


Andy said, She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, Don't believe him, he's getting senile

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.

One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.


Andy said: Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....


The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We're outta here!
 

The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation

I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
Me? I've never busted minimums.
We will be on time, maybe even early.
Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
I'm a member of the mile high club.
I only need glasses for reading.
I broke out right at minimums.
The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
Don't worry about the weight and balance — it'll fly.
If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.
We shipped the part yesterday.
I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
All you have to do is follow the book.
This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
We in aviation are overpaid, under worked and well respected.
Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
Sure I can fly it — it has wings, doesn't it?
We'll be home by lunchtime.
Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
I'm always glad to see the FAA.
We fly every day — we don't need recurrent training.
It just came out of annual — how could anything be wrong?
I thought YOU took care of that.
I've got the field in sight.
I've got the traffic in sight.
Of course I know where we are.
I'm SURE the gear was down.
 
Definition of the word "coincidence"

A chicken farmer went to the local bar ...He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.
The woman said:
- " How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne".

- " What a coincidence " - said the farmer, who added: " It is a special day for me .... I am celebrating..."

- " It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" - said the woman.

- "What a coincidence" - said the farmer.

While they toasted, the man asked:- " What are you celebrating? "

- " My husband and I are trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant".

- " What a coincidence !" - said the man - " I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay
fertilized eggs. "

- " This is awesome" - said the woman.

- " What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

" I used a different rooster " - he said.

The woman smiled and said:
"What a coincidence"





Life is too short to wake up with regrets. Love the people who treat
you right and pray for the ones who don't.
"Have a wonderful and Blessed Day"
 

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