Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)

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An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man just groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more
impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to
call the manager."

Once again, the old man just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he
returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to
move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally they summon
the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy
what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred
replied, "The balcony."
 
This one just showed up.



There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

For example...

A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us,

so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?
 
The Deaf Wife

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.


'Here's what you do,' said the doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'


That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'


No response.


So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'


Still no response.


Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.


So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'



'Dammit, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
 
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