vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quotes and Jokes (1 Viewer)
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1. Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up and take the bloody disc out. It's like having a remote to open the fridge.
2. Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life.... Give an octopus nunchuks,,, and no f***ers eating fish ever again.
3. Me: It smells like upsexy in here. Girl: What's 'upsexy'? Me: Oh nothing much
4. Is it appropriate for a receptionist at a sperm clinic to tell their clients "thanks for coming" as they leave?
5. Try this for fun: Go to a car park and put post-it notes on people's cars saying "Sorry for the damage." Watching them is priceless.
6 What do you call the wrinkles on Grandma?? .... Grandpa!
7. A fun way to freak out new parents on Facebook is to change your name to their baby's name tag yourself in all of their baby's pictures.
8. You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, and scroll down some more, then some more to select the year you were born when completing on-line forms
9 If you have always wondered why it is that a dog finds great joy in sticking his head out of a car window at 55mph, but if you blow in his face he'll try and kill you....it's your stinking breath.
10. Glow in the dark condoms. Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! ...
11. Just watched a Loch Ness monster documentary and I finally believe, without a doubt, that I have better teeth than everyone in Scotland.
12 I would imagine if you understood morse code, a tap dancer could be swearing at you!
13. Whenever I moon my dog howls at it
14. What has 15 legs and 9 teeth? The checkout line at Primark.
15. Wow!!! I farted into my iPhone and Siri told me what I had for breakfast.
16. The gf's a Black Belt in Cooking. She can kill a Man with two Chops.
17. Noah's diary: Day 39....Unicorn pie is frikkin' delicious!
2. Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life.... Give an octopus nunchuks,,, and no f***ers eating fish ever again.
3. Me: It smells like upsexy in here. Girl: What's 'upsexy'? Me: Oh nothing much
4. Is it appropriate for a receptionist at a sperm clinic to tell their clients "thanks for coming" as they leave?
5. Try this for fun: Go to a car park and put post-it notes on people's cars saying "Sorry for the damage." Watching them is priceless.
6 What do you call the wrinkles on Grandma?? .... Grandpa!
7. A fun way to freak out new parents on Facebook is to change your name to their baby's name tag yourself in all of their baby's pictures.
8. You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, and scroll down some more, then some more to select the year you were born when completing on-line forms
9 If you have always wondered why it is that a dog finds great joy in sticking his head out of a car window at 55mph, but if you blow in his face he'll try and kill you....it's your stinking breath.
10. Glow in the dark condoms. Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! Now you see it, now you don't! ...
11. Just watched a Loch Ness monster documentary and I finally believe, without a doubt, that I have better teeth than everyone in Scotland.
12 I would imagine if you understood morse code, a tap dancer could be swearing at you!
13. Whenever I moon my dog howls at it
14. What has 15 legs and 9 teeth? The checkout line at Primark.
15. Wow!!! I farted into my iPhone and Siri told me what I had for breakfast.
16. The gf's a Black Belt in Cooking. She can kill a Man with two Chops.
17. Noah's diary: Day 39....Unicorn pie is frikkin' delicious!
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
Those are awesome!
Just out of the shower ... I look in the mirror and think aloud: "How nice it would be to have bigger tits........" My husband - who has heard - instead of saying "It's not true!" as usual, says "if you want to grow, you have to pass a piece of toilet paper in the midst of boobs for a few seconds."
Very doubtful, but decided to try everything, I take a piece of toilet paper and pass it to me in the midst of boobs for a few seconds. When I ask "but how long will it take?"
He replies, "You do it every day for a few years." "But I really believe that by passing a piece of toilet paper in the middle of the boobs every day I will become larger after a few years?"
"If it worked your butt, why not?"
My husband is still alive, and with a few months of therapy, probably will walk again.
Very doubtful, but decided to try everything, I take a piece of toilet paper and pass it to me in the midst of boobs for a few seconds. When I ask "but how long will it take?"
He replies, "You do it every day for a few years." "But I really believe that by passing a piece of toilet paper in the middle of the boobs every day I will become larger after a few years?"
"If it worked your butt, why not?"
My husband is still alive, and with a few months of therapy, probably will walk again.
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
Crimea_River
Marshal
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
No KIDDING!
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller's president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I.
Crimea_River
Marshal
An oldie but a goodie!
