Quotes and Jokes (5 Viewers)
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vikingBerserker
Lieutenant General
at6
1st Sergeant
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Crimea_River
Marshal
Q What's the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.
Ha Ha
Good luck in the Semifinal, it has got to be the baggy greens versus the black caps in the final. The first semifinal was one of the best games I have seen in any sport.
michaelmaltby
Colonel
The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: "I have some good
news and, I have some bad news....
The tycoon replies: "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news
first?
The lawyer says: Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this
week that she figures are worth a minimum of $2-3 million".
The tycoon replies enthusiastically: "Well done... very good news
indeed! You've just made my day; now what's the bad news??"
The lawyer answers: "The pictures are of you with your secretary".
news and, I have some bad news....
The tycoon replies: "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news
first?
The lawyer says: Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this
week that she figures are worth a minimum of $2-3 million".
The tycoon replies enthusiastically: "Well done... very good news
indeed! You've just made my day; now what's the bad news??"
The lawyer answers: "The pictures are of you with your secretary".
Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama's dog, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter.
Bill climbed out of his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught.
He knew Michele would go friggin' ballistic.
Then Bill noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out.
"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the
Genie. "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this damned dog."
They walked over to the splattered remains of Sunny.
"Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" Bill asked.
The Genie looked at the remains and shook his head. "This critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.
Maybe there's something else you'd like?"
Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.
"I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo.
"But I`m actually married to this woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo.
"You see what Hillary looks like, so do you think you can make her look like Monica?"
The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,
"Damn, let's have another look at that dog!"
Bill climbed out of his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught.
He knew Michele would go friggin' ballistic.
Then Bill noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out.
"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the
Genie. "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this damned dog."
They walked over to the splattered remains of Sunny.
"Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" Bill asked.
The Genie looked at the remains and shook his head. "This critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life.
Maybe there's something else you'd like?"
Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos.
"I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo.
"But I`m actually married to this woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo.
"You see what Hillary looks like, so do you think you can make her look like Monica?"
The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,
"Damn, let's have another look at that dog!"
Aaron Brooks Wolters
Brigadier General
In the New York, the NYPD patrol found a dismembered body of a lawyer who was notorious for working as the Mafia attorney. The foresenic group came and all started looking for evidences. The leading detective was standing near a scrapheap where the lawyer's mortal remains were found. A pathologist approached him.
What do you think ? .... asked the investigator.
What a brutal suicide .... answered the doctor.
What do you think ? .... asked the investigator.
What a brutal suicide .... answered the doctor.
Q.. What's the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A.. Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.
A.. Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.
