Quotes and Jokes (4 Viewers)

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Walt Kuster
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[Fwd: FW: Splinters in her crotch.........]1 message
From: Jim Day
To: Charlie Burkes Don Ball Donald Bradley Eileen . Frankie Odom George Foley Joe Mack O'Neal Joe Pecjak Kevin Pete Driggers
Apr 29
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---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: <[email protected]>
Date: Wed, Apr 29, 2015 at 3:30 PM
Subject: [Fwd: FW: Splinters in her crotch.........]
To: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]


---------------------------------









​This is really cute.​



Splinters in her crotch......this is clean/funny!


A woman from Los Angeles , who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and
an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . There
was a large tree on one
of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural
splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.


As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In
her haste
to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many
splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER
to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, an
anti-hunter and how she came to get all the
splinters.The doctor listened to her story with great patience, and then
told her to

go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry
woman demanded, "What took you
so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from
the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau
of Land Management before I could remove

old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment
facility. I'm sorry, but due to ObamaCare...they turned you down."

 

[Elmas]

Last weekend we were discussing about beer with some friends and one of us said that beer contains a large amount of female hormones.

We started to pull his leg a bit but after a while he convinced us to verify.

So we drunk about twenty pints apiece, but exclusively for scientific and research, of course, and the results of this verification were amazing.

In fact, at the end of the twenty laps, it happened that:

- We talked a lot to say nothing

- We had quite a difficulty driving the car

- It was impossible to make even the smallest and simplest reasoning

- We refused to admit what was wrong or right even though the evidence was clearly shown

- Everyone was convinced of being the center of the universe

- We had a headache and no desire to have sex

- We were emotionally very unstable

- We held hands in hands

- To top it all, we had a piss every five minutes and, that's more, all together

So we believed that was useless to push beyond this experience.

We confirm that beer contains female hormones.

 

[Crimea_River]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Wayne Little]

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Wurger]

 

[Lucky13]

 

[Wayne Little]

Absolutely right Jan....Women don't know what they are talking about!

 

[Elmas]

Dear Mum,
I am very sorry but to have to say that I left with my new boyfriend.
I have found true love! You should see him, he is so nice with
all his tattoos, piercings and his big fast bike.
But that's not everything, Mom: I'm finally pregnant and Abdul says
we'll be fine with the baby in his trailer in the woods.
He wants to have many more children, and this is also my dream.
For a living, since we found out that marijuana does not hurt,
we will cultivate it in the woods for us and our friends, so that they will have something to smoke when in short supply of cocaine and ecstasy.
Meanwhile I hope that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Abdul can feel a bit better!
Do not worry Mom, I'm already 15 years old and I can take care of myself.
I hope to visit you soon so you'll be able to know your grandchildren.
Your beloved child
Mary

P.S. all balls, Mom! I'm at the neighbors now.
I just wanted to tell you that there are worse things in life than the report card
I left on the kitchen table!

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Lucky13]

 

[GrauGeist]

 

[Wayne Little]

good one!

 

[Lucky13]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Elmas]

A blonde goes into the Gucci store and pays with a banknote of 500 € but the cashier: "Madam, I'm sorry, but this note is false." The blonde, very angry: "Dirty bastard! I've been raped!"

 

[Elmas]

Customer: "I can't connect to the Internet, there's an error."
Technical assistance: "Are you sure you're using the correct password?"
Customer: "Yes, quite sure, I saw my husband writing it."
Technical assistance: "Can you tell me what the password was?"
Customer: "5 asterisks".

 

[Elmas]

BEER vs *****:

Let's see the results of this epic match:

A beer is always wet. The ***** must be encouraged.
1 point for beer.

A beer sucks if served hot.
1 point for *****.

A cold beer is always satisfying.
1 point for beer.

If you find a hair in a glass when drinking a beer, you may
want to vomit.
1 point for *****.

If you come home with a smell of beer, your wife will scold you.
If you come home with a smell of *****, your wife might leave you.
* Score equal (depending by point of view)

Ten beers in one night and you can not drive anymore.
Ten chicks in a night and there is no need to drive.
1 point for *****.

If you drink a beer in a crowded room it is normal.
If you do a chick in a crowded room, you become a myth.
1 point for *****.

If a cop feels a smell of beer on you, he might send you in jail.
If a cop smells ***** on you, he could buy you a beer.
1 point for *****.

The beer, the more seasoned, the better.
1 point for beer.

If you take a beer with a condom worn, you do not feel any
difference in taste.
1 point for beer.

A lot of beer and you see UFOs.
A lot of ***** and you can see God.
1 point for *****.

If you're always wondering how the next ***** will be you're normal.
If you're always wondering how the next beer will be, you're drunk.
1 point for *****.

Tear off the label from a bottle of beer is fun.
Tear off the panties of a chick is MUCH more fun.
1 point for *****.

The state tax beer.
1 point for *****.

If you drink one more beer, the first one is not pissed off.
1 point for beer.

You're always sure to be the first to "open" a beer.
1 point for beer.

If you shake a beer, after a while she calms down by herself.
1 point for beer.

Blond, red, brown or black, any time you can choose
the beer you want.
1 point for beer.

A beer, you know exactly to the penny how much it will
cost.
1 point for beer.


FINAL SCORE: BEER vs ***** 9-9

If you are a woman and right now you're pissed

consider that a beer would have not broken the balls for having been put on

the same level as chick, so bonus point for the beer.

The beer wins the match !!!!!!!