Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)

[michaelmaltby]

HEART WARMING STORY

Because of his stupidity and clumsiness, his teacher, was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone!"

One day, Tyrone's Mother came to school to check on how he was doing.

The teacher told his Mother honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.

The Mother was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school and moved out of London , and relocated to Birmingham .

Twenty-five years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease.

All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, but there was only one surgeon in the whole of Britain who could perform the operation and he was located at the Birmingham Clinic.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

When she came round after surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her.

She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died.

The doctor was shocked, wondering what could possibly have gone wrong so suddenly.

Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

Now...If you thought for one moment that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon there is a high likelihood that you would vote for Hilary Clinton!

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Shinpachi]

A janitor knows who stays in the building well.
Awesome Canadian joke

 

[Snautzer01]

Trump would have sold the organs, stolen the jewellery, bankrupted the clinic, insulted Tyrone, then blamed it on the Mexicans while saying he only had a small loan of a few millions from his incredible rich father wich money he inherited to get this far.

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Wayne Little]

A man asks a farmer near a field, "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train."

The farmer says, "Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4:11 one."

 

[Crimea_River]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Wayne Little]

It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

 

[Old Wizard]

 

[at6]

An Italian, a Jew, and a Greek found them selves at the Pearly Gates. They pleaded with St. Peter to let them return to their lives as they were so young and wanted to live longer. He agreed as long as they gave up their most favorite thing in life. They found them selves walking down the street where they came upon a Pizza parlor. The Italian ran in, grabbed a piece of pizza and "Poof!" he disappeared.The Greek and the Jew continued down the street when suddenly a quarter rolled across the side walk. As the Jew bent over to pick it up, "poof!" the Greek disappeared.

 

[michaelmaltby]

Moishe Plotnik's Laundry

Walking through San Francisco 's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners..... .

When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign
'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry.'

'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered. 'How does that belong inChinatown ?'

He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking dry cleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo 'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry.' The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.

The tourist asked, 'Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?''

The old man answered, 'Ah..Evleebody ask me dat. It name of owner.'

Looking around, the tourist asked, 'Is he here now?'

'It me, Me him!' replied the old man.

'Really? You're Chinese.
How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?''

It simple' said the old man. 'Many, many year ago I come to this country. I, standing in line at ' Document Center of Immiglation.'

Man in front of me was man from Poland ..'

'Lady at counter look at him and say to him, 'What you name?'

He (Polish man) say to her, 'Moishe Plotnik.'

Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?'

I say, 'Sam Ting.'

 

[Wayne Little]

good stuff...

 

[Shinpachi]

Oh, I have to add this thread to my favorite.

 

[Gnomey]

 

[michaelmaltby]

....

 

[Wayne Little]

 

[Gnomey]

 

[Wayne Little]

Mother, "How was school today, Patrick?"

Patrick, "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"

Mother, "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"

Patrick, "What school?"