Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)

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Two nuns are out taking a drive through the sweet Welsh conutryside .

As they pull up to a junction there is a big red flash and a cloud of red smoke . The driver slams on the brakes and screeches to a stop .

As the smoke clears the nuns are horrified to see Satan sat on the bonnet of the car .

The first nun screams :
" Sister sister ! , thats Satan what shall we do ? !! "

The second nun says calmly :
" Oh Sister Agnes , just wind down your window and show him your cross . "

With that the first nun winds down her window and shouts :
" Oy Satan , F*ck off !!!! "
 
Mean while back at the convent .

Mother superior calls 4 nuns into her office .

Mother superior says to the 1st nun :
" Sister Agnes it's reach my attention that you saw the vicars penis . "

Sister Agnes says :
" Yes mother superior . "

Mother Superior says :
" Right , you'll go to the font and wash your eyes in holy water . "

Then to the 2nd nun :
" Sister Angela , it's reached my attention that you touched the vicars penis ."

Sister Angela says :
" Yes mother superior . "

Mother superior says :
" Right , you'll go to the font and wash your hands in holy water . "

With that the other 2 nuns start fighting to get to the font . Kicking , biting , punching and hair pulling .

Mother Superior shouts :
" Sisters , sisters ! What is the meaning of this behaviour !! "

And the 3rd nun says :
"Listen here , if you think I'm going to gargle after shes washed her ar*e !! "
 
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T


I used to like Eric.............
 
We used to send our sprog medics around the different sections at RAF Coningsby to get signatures for an ID 10 T combat id card . The last place they had to go was the Ground Photo section to get a photo done of them wearing a respirator . We had to stop it eventually as one little darling got his Mum to complain to the M.O.
 
A priest was hearing confessions one day, when all of a sudden his Mexican lunch caught up with him. The man in the confessional booth was known to be rather long-winded, so in desperation the priest glanced out of the booth to see if he could find a stand-in. The only person nearby was the janitor.

"Bob! Hey, Bob! C'mere, quick! I need you to sit here for awhile," the priest whispered as loudly as he dared.

Bob, of course, came over. "I dunno, Father...are ya sure its alright? I wouldn't know what to do!"

"Oh, its easy....you just nod, grunt on occasion, and then give 10 Hail Mary's at the end. Besides, I'll be back soon."

Hesitantly, Bob agreed, and the priest ran off. The man in the confessional ended his dialoge, and Bob gave him 10 Hail Mary's. The man thanked him and left.

"Hey...this ain't so hard!" Bob realized.

A lady soon appeared in the booth. Bob went through the routine a little more confidently this time, and soon she was on her way. This went on for some time, until the inevitable happened: Bob got someone confessing a really bad sin. All of a sudden, the job is no longer quite so easy! Needing help, Bob stuck his head out of the booth, looking for some wisdom and advice. The only person within earshot was an altar boy.

"Pssst! Hey! I need some help here! I'm in over my head! What does the good Father usually give for sodomy???"

The altar boy looked at him for a moment before replying: "Usually a Coke and two Snickers."
 
George Bush is busy in the oval office rearranging his desk pens.

In walks the National Security Advisor with a dour look on his face.

Bush asks "What's wrong? Jenna's cake coordinator not show up?"

"No Mr. President, three Brazilian soldiers lost their lives today."

"Oh dear Lord!", and Bush covers his face with his palms, tears streaming down his face, hands trembling, "How many in a brazillion?"
 
Heh....I thought about posting that one, but couldn't remember the exact wording!


(this one harkens back to the Clinton regiem.....er.....administration)

One day Bill Clinton walks out of the White House and, to his horror, notices a message that someone had peed into a nearby snowbank: the words read "IMPEACH CLINTON!!!"

Furious, he called the head of his Secret Service detail, the directors of the FBI and CIA, and charged them with finding out who it was that had written such a blasphemous statement in the snow.

A week later, the heads of the various departments all returned to the Oval Office.

"Sir, we've got some good news and some bad news concerning the message in the snow," they informed the President.

"Well, good news first!" he cried.

"The good news is, through a complicated DNA analysis of the urine, we've determined that the supplier was none other than Al Gore."

"Treason! I'll have him fired for this!" ranted Clinton. "What's the bad news?"

"Well, sir.....the handwriting is Chelsea's."
 
Now let me get this straight.

Bill Clinton is paid $12 Million for his memoirs. His wife Hillary got $8 million for
hers. That's $20 million for memories from two people,

Who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't
remember anything.
 
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