Quotes and Jokes (2 Viewers)

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>> A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout

>> looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation

>> and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you

>> charge?"

>> Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a

>> handjob."

>> Guy says, "$500 dollars?! For a handjob?! No handjob

>> is worth that kind of money!"

>> The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the

>> corner?"

>> "Yes."

>> "Do you see the Denny's about a block further

>> down?"

>> "Yes."

>> "And beyond that, do you see that third

>> Denny's?"

>> "Yes."

>> "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly,

>> "I own those. And, I own them because I give a handjob

>> that's worth $500."

>> The guy thinks to himself, "What the hell? You only

>> live once. I'll give it a try." and accepts the

>> hooker's offer.

>> They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the

>> guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just

>> experienced the handjob of a lifetime, worth every bit of

>> $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blowjob

>> is $1,000?"

>> The hooker replies, "$1,500."

>> "I wouldn't pay that for a blowjob!"

>> The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window,

>> big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I

>> own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a

>> blowjob that's worth every cent of $1,500."

>> The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific

>> handjob, decides to put off the new car for another year or

>> so, and says, "Sign me up."

>> Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed

>> than before. He can scarcely believe it, but he feels he

>> truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the

>> retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable

>> experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some

>> p#ssy?"

>> The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I

>> want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city

>> of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful

>> lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

>> "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the

>> whole city?"

>> "No," the hooker replies. "But I would if

>> I had a p#ssy."
 
This happened on a flight ready to depart for Fresno , California .

Jack was sitting when a guy took the seat beside him.

The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
'What's the matter?' Jack asked.

'I've been transferred to Fresno , there's nothing but crazy people there.

I hear they have a lot of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, illegals, poor public schools, crowded Wal-Marts, and a high crime rate'

Jack replied, 'I've lived in Fresno all my life It's not as bad as the media says.

Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business and enroll your kids
in a nice private school.

It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world.

The guy finally relaxed and said, 'Thank you.
I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK,
I'll take your word for it.
By the way, what do you do for a living?'

'Me?' said Jack. 'I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.
 
A cure for your wife's headaches:



A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into
Bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.

'Perfect,' her husband said.
'I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin.
You can take it orally,or as a suppository, it's up to you.'
 

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