Quotes and Jokes (7 Viewers)

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An expensive machine breaks down in a big factory putting hundreds of employees out of work and costing the employer tens of thousands of dollars a day in lost revenues. After two weeks of hiring the top mechanics in the industry only to find nobody who could fix it, the employer, in desperation, puts out an add in the classifieds.

The next day, an old man with a little black bag shows up. "Who the hell are you," asks the employer? "I responded to your classified, I'm here to fix your machine," the old man answers. Totally unimpressed, yet desperate, the employer directs the old man to the machine.

The old man looks at it. Then he goes to the back and removes a back panel and looks inside. Then he takes a hammer out of the bag and sticks his head and upper body deep into the machine. Then the employer hears, "ding," and the machine roars right up. The employer is amazed! "Do you know how many mechanics I had here before you, who couldn't fix it," says the employer? "You're the best mechanic ever! How much do I owe you?" The old man replies, "$1000." The employer says, "$1000? All you did was hit it with a hammer!" The old man replies, "$1 for hitting it with the hammer. $999 for knowing where to hit."
 
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While I was in the Army, there was an accident in the motor pool.
A mechanic was replacing a tire and trying to seat it on the rim. He apparently overinflated the tire and it blew off the rim, striking him in the face and knocking him unconscious as it shot all the way to the ceiling of the bay, leaving an impressive skid mark 40' above the ground.
The accident report stated "He got tired, so he laid down."
 
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At my sister's wedding, a few of the guests really took advantage of the open bar.
One couple that had had more than their fair share began arguing, and the wife decided she had had enough and was leaving. She jumped in their car and was about to drive off when the husband ran out and tried to stop her by grabbing onto the door handle. Apparently, she didn't realize he was there and took off, dragging him under the car. Fortunately a passing car noticed the unfolding tragedy and by flashing its lights got her to pull over. Meanwhile several guests who had seen the accident spread the alarm and soon there were a bunch of us chasing after the now stopped vehicle. When we arrived at the car, I was able to reach in and pull the keys from the ignition while several ladies coaxed the driver from the vehicle. Four of us then pulled the car off the unfortunate young man, who, aside from a bad case of road rash was relatively OK.
The police report stated. "She wanted to leave, he didn't, so she just dragged him home."
 
Confucius never said :

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a baby crib, but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Wise man not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

And, CONFUCIUS ALSO DID NOT SAY. .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood".
 

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